My fiancé doesn't know what honesty means

My fiancé and I are in a crisis stage of our relationship. Next month will be our two year anniversary. I think there have been warning signs since the beginning but I thought with effort they could be worked out. Now I keep feeling like our issues are layering on each other because they are not fully being dealt with, but I also wonder if I am overreacting and need to let things go and how to go about doing that. I think that writing it out and getting feedback will help me feel more resolve in a direction to take. So A is the man of my dreams, we met while I was doing shark research, he came out to do a recreational dive and we hit it off. We are both in the same field and have similar passions. In many senses our relationship looks and is perfect and amazing. I don't believe that there is any issue that we couldn't work through, but I have been doubting if he ever will or if I am short changing myself for accepting behaviors that hurt me. When we met he had just ended a two year off/on relationship that seems to have been very disastrous in the end. We are also loooong distance as we are from two different continents. We went on one date before I was going home and through many many emails over the course of a month decided to work on a project together so that we would have an excuses to try things out. He wrote me into the budget for a project and I flew back to live, work, and play with him. It could have been a disaster but it was the first time either of us had spent so much time with one person and loved it. We had a very open an honest relationship communication wise and things were comfortable because it felt like we could talk about anything. We were honest about our shortcoming and our dreams and desires. In the month that we were apart I traveled to Brazil and was raped by my travel companion at the time. It obviously affected me and A in different ways but keep that in mind and ill bring it up later... Due to the proximity of his last relationship I didn't want to be considered his girlfriend right away. I told him to give himself the time to process things and let her go. After one week he asked me to be his girlfriend officially, i said yes, but he kept some things guarded like he didn't want to take me to the classes were they met and he still attended because he thought it would be disrespectful. One time a friend of his was in town and we were going to go out to dinner and he had a place selected. We drove up to the place and he panicked realizing that she might be there because its a place they went to often with their class. It wouldn't have bothered me to see her but he wanted to go somewhere else at that point. His reaction created a lot of confusion and tension for me. Finally a few months later we were talking about the ex and he broke down in tears about how he really missed her and how hurt he was that she didn't want to have anything to do with him. I held him for hours this way. I saw it as a good sign that he was finally processing this, and on some level was a little crushed that he missed her and relieved hoping he would be over her. I think that he did move past her. Another night he got a text in the middle of the night asking how he was (with xoxoxo). I asked him about it in the morning and he was rather vague. Later he told me more that it was an old fling that he kept in touch with from time to time. Things were ok until i started to ask if he had responded to her. Originally he said no because they only do when the other is single, making me feel like they had some code going on. Then he said no, they kept up as friends, to which I wondered why he wouldn't respond then (and let her know that he is madly in love and please don't text in the night). But his response to this was that no, he didn't have feelings for her. That made me confused, which is it? Regardless I asked him to cut her off because I felt his attitude was very defensive and that made me uncomfortable. Through more discussions i found out that she had been completely in love with him and he treated her like shit. By ignoring her and calling her names. She also lives in another country so their contact was always online or phone. She sent him packages over the years containing photos, postcards, and paintings that he had up around his house... Didn't help his claim about not caring for her, but he said he had forgotten... These were often the only things hanging on a small room so that seemed like bullshit to me. He would not tell her directly but he said that he would not talk to her anymore, I will call her K. This is not really what I wanted or needed. I just wanted him to be honest with me and with her. I decided to write K a note for clarification, A had suggested this before but i originally wanted him to deal with it, but instead of responding to me she forwarded my message to him and instead of addressing my concerns she bad mouthed me and denied that her text was in the middle of the night... But it was. To me her defensiveness only confirmed her true intentions and then to make matters worse A also defended her, and told me he would have done the me thing she did. This was the most hurtful thing. Only at this point did I feel he betrayed me, before it was some other girl being silly. Now she felt like a threat. I stayed with him for 4 more months before I had to go home due to visa. By this time we had discussed that we would both be interested in having threesomes. He had had two before and really enjoyed both, I also was in two also but they were not good situations for me for other reasons. My terms were that it would have to be discussed between us first. I felt like that was the cause of the discomfort in the situations I was in. He agreed to this. Soon after I got home we had three three-way Skype sex sessions, two were with female friends of mine and one was with a male friend of his. These were great and open and we were able to ask each other ahead of time. The ones with my friends were a bit more coincidental, we had spoken about the possibility before had then met A on Skype and he masturbated for us but we just watched both time. Both of my female friends are straight and more interested in A. It was fun, but a few weeks later A told me that he had a porn addiction and the Skype convo with one of my friends triggered it. She is trans and I guess that pushed him over the edge. I was really hurt by this, oddly it made me feel jealous that I didn't trigger a sex craze... I know that is a crappy thing to think as addictions are no joke. We decided to cool it down for a while and he said he would work on the porn thing. A few months later I went to Vegas for the first time and met a girl. She asked for my number and I gave it to her. We just danced and hardly even spoke but there was a lot of sexual energy. I told A about it while i was there and he was excited and encouraged me to pursue it and give my number. She was visiting from Italy and was only in town for a little while. We tried to meet up with A's approval but it didn't work out. It was exciting because I had never been with a woman alone and I liked her but I wasn't crushed, I had no intention of anything more and I shared every convo we had with A. If he had felt uncomfortable I would have told her no more, no questions asked. It was several months before A flew out to stay with me for awhile. We kept up via the Internet and it was mostly ok with the usual insecure moments from both of us, but overall things seemed fine. He mentioned that K had contacted him and I asked what was said. He sent me a note from her but it seemed disjointed. When he got here I asked him to show me and it turned out that he said hi to her first on a day when he and I had a fight. Nothing sexual was said but he broke his promise to not contact her and she even asked him if we were still together. After this I felt very insecure and more suspicious. So I went on his profiles and checked his accounts. I know that this is bad and one of my issues... Sure enough he had spoken to several other friends about wanting to have threesomes. Also, during times when we were fighting. I had never met these people and they were friends that he had fooled around with in the past. I tried to get him to be honest with me by asking him if he had spoken to anyone else about threesomes and things like that. Trying to give him the space to be honest about it. He would get defensive and tell me I was insecure and bringing in issues from past relationships and that I didn't trust him. Also, in his computer history I saw that he kept watching porn every once in a while but wouldn't let me know as we had agreed he would do. Aside from these issues most of his time in the US was fantastic. He was able to stay for 6months on visa and had to go home. Originally we wanted to extend it but it didn't go through. I started grad school at this point so he had to return home by himself. We parted on good terms but I was more nervous than before, as you can imagine. Things were similar to before at first. We communicated often. There was one day when he was high and thought I should read a note a friend sent him. Just before we were having a semi sexy convo and this note was about her break up with her husband and how she wouldn't be a bitch to me... Totally disjointed. It threw me off. I asked him more about it later and he sent me their entire convo history. They had made out long ago. he had a crush on her growing up and he told her that she meant a lot to him and hoped they could be friends, so she had to be nice to me. In later explanation to me he said they never had the guts to go any further but always had a deep connection and a lot of sexual tension. This made me feel like he only shared this note with me on accident because he was under the influence but he denied this and apologized for sending it out of context. He said he thought her story would make a good movie at the time. To be fare he has apologized for everything sincerely but doesn't seem to understand my boundaries... So anyway at school there was this girl that I met on the first day and I was crushing on her. I told A about it and he said I should go for it. I didn't go out of my way to pursue anything but one day she said she had a crush on me during one of our class breaks with everyone around. We joked about it and I told A later. Then on a shoot she asked me if A and I were in an open relationship. Again, around other people. So I explained our rules and she said she had similar rules with her bf. I told A and he was more excited than I was and encouraged me to ask more about it. So we ended up setting up a play date with her and her bf. A was let in on all the details as we went and dictated many. This is how I was comfortable with things and was trying to set an example. The experience was great expect we only got one photo to share with A, something I think he is still bitter about. I gave him a full report after, every detail and he seems to really enjoy it. I liked it also but I was concerned about his reaction. A few weeks later the semester was wrapping up and I was able to fly and visit him. The day I was leaving he sent me a message that he just had a happy ending massage. I was completely deflated. I had 0 warning. Then he tried to say that he was on the table when she asked and didn't have time to ask me first... From a massage place right down the road from his house. The feeling of betrayal came from his timing, his broken promise again to talk to me first, and the display of his lack of control and compulsive behavior. I would have been excited to ok the same situation if he had given me the chance to talk to him first, or a day later we could have gone together... It sucked. It also marked a new line he crossed into compulsively acting on sexual things with out talking to me where as before it just talking or looking. I only had a month there and we made the most of it. There were other tough things to deal with like his family being apposed to him being with a black person, they are white. And the extra pain that caused during Christmas. But we made the most of being with each other and over all had a great time. This is when we went to were we met, I proposed to him and he accepted. It was romantic and magical. Soon after I got back he started a new position abroad. He said he was having a hard time there and didn't write as much. I think with the layers of things tension was building for me. Things from before we're sort of resolved but not fully, like he would keep denying that he crossed any lines and tell me I acted on things more than he did and I have issues... Etc. my only request is communication beforehand and he would barely step up to that plate in this sense. I thought that maybe it was hard for him because he felt embarrassed or ashamed to admit that he wanted to be with other people to me. He also kept talking about this masseur that had his number from the worker that had the phone before him and he was sure that he would do happy endings. This concerned me because of his addiction and the fact that the person had his number. I told him this. He also began to act very restless sexually in our convos but distant at the same time. I thought that the proposal also may have had something to do with it. So for valentines day I decided to set him up with one of his friends that he did tell me he wanted to have a threesome with. He said that they had fooled around before but only once, back then she told him that they should have an orgy but he was too hurt from a breakup and didn't want to go. This person went to the same classes as the other ex... I had not met her. I sent her a message and she responded nicely so I began to tell her about the situation. She was excited and said that A had asked her to have a threesome with us but she wanted to meet me first... What? He had told me flat out that he had not spoken to her about this. So now I was in a weird spot. I didn't tell her about the problem and instead told A what had happened, and asked him to explain. He got angry with me for asking her. He claimed that he found her very unattractive and was only with her that time because he needed someone and she was there but then felt gross after. Then told me that he wanted to be with her because he thought that is what I wanted to hear! I was so confused and hurt and angry. How could I trust him after this? And how could he be angry with me? The night I confronted him about this he was watching porn during our conversation I could tell because he left his YouTube page logged in on my iPad and I wanted to check on him so I never logged off. I was devastated, then he got angry and left saying he was going to get a massage and went to see that prostitute masseuse, then went out drinking all night. He then sent me their convo history and I found that they had an entirely other sexy convo after I left the first time, a year before. I was not mentioned once and he never told me about it. He first claims that he didn't think any lines were crossed but he tells her he was watching porn, that he was walking around naked and that she should dream of his wet naked body. It's ridiculous. At this point I ask him to tell me what else has happened and he denies anything so i decided to tell him about the other people i found after K. He says oh yes but he also talked about how much he loved me and I'm ignoring that part... I don't feel that saying how much he loves me excuses him saying other things even if he says he has no intention of going further with the person. He doesn't seem to understand my point. And then also gets angry with me for not moving on. But I find it hard to move on from something that keeps happening, and seems to be getting worse. This has plagued our last couple of months. He has said that its so hard to deal with all this he thought about breaking up everyday. And anytime I am still upset he asks me why I don't love him. He thinks that if I'm upset with him I don't love him and then he never addresses his issues saying that he never crossed lines and never cheated, And that i cheated more than him (referring to the agreed upon situations I explained). Sometimes he gets jealous, in my opinion, but he plays it off as though he is just worried for my safety and brings up that fact that I was raped... As though I would forget. There have been calmer points in the last few months but over all the cycle of awful is much shorter since the v-day fiasco, which he also blames on me. I understand that I should have asked him first but he did tell me he wanted to. And he did lie about their relationship. I even tried to speak with v-day. As I said I never met her but I felt like offering my boyfriend to her established some level of trust between us. When I offered she was excited and willing to keep a secret. When I explained the situation further, asking for her opinion and letting her know that A and I haven't been communicating well and please don't let him know. She responded in gibberish and forwarded her response to him as well. He got very angry with me and wrote a response to her apologizing for my behavior and hardly addressing what he had done wrong. So, about a week ago I asked him for his Facebook password. He claims to have followed the rules and I asked him to prove it. I looked through his messages and found several more ex-s and friends that he talked to about having sex with us or just him flirting with them. One in particular shattered me. T, one of his best friends is gay. He told me that he had a crush on her when they met but got over it when he told her and she came out to him, fine. I have hung with her and her girlfriend, she is great. A didn't like her gf, one of the messages was him apologizing to her about a year ago for being jealous. Which was nice of him to do because it was very embarrassing for me to be around, he never apologized to me. Then there was another one where he was perving on her with the male friend of his that I mentioned earlier, just after I left the first time. To which his friend laughed and said, from one hottie to another. Then the worst part is that A talked to me about wanting her as the best person in our wedding. At the time this made a lot of sense to me and I said sure. I read his request to her on Facebook which went like this: A- T, T!! T- my man how u A- i'm in need of the sea and some waves having a super stressful time so, this might be awkward to ask but will you be one of my "best people" at our wedding in the states? T- Yes, of course and no that is not awkward and i would love to A- Thanks! T- honoured A- i always thought I should marry you man ...then she ignores that marriage statement and switches subject. It is still hard for me to believe that he said this in this way at this time. Just after V-day... I don't know what to do. I had a good talks with T, she reassured me that he loves me and I at least don't need to worry about her as a threat, but it isn't really the threats I'm worried about, All of this makes me feel like he would rather be with a million other people. I have good self esteem and don't feel anyone deserves this. I want things to work out because I love him but it doesn't seem like he is going to change anything or that he even sees the problem. He did go to therapy for porn after v-day and said he would be willing to speak to someone about this but I feel overwhelmed with the layers of this thing. It's gotten so complicated, but then not really. Be honest. Why is that so hard?

My Fiancé Doesn't Know What Honesty Means. I think that writing it out and getting feedback will help me feel more resolve in a direction to take. So A is the man of my dreams... I have been doubting if he ever will or if I am short changing myself for accepting behaviors that hurt me. But he broke his promise to not contact her he has apologized for everything sincerely but doesn't seem to understand my boundaries... It also marked a new line he crossed into compulsively acting on sexual things with out talking to me where as before it just talking or looking. The night I confronted him about this he was watching porn during our conversation…. I was devastated, then he got angry and left saying he was going to get a massage and went to see that prostitute masseuse, then went out drinking all night. He doesn't seem to understand my point. And then also gets angry with me for not moving on. wanting her as the best person in our wedding He got very angry with me and wrote a response to her apologizing for my behavior and hardly addressing what he had done wrong. It isn't really the threats I'm worried about, All of this makes me feel like he would rather be with a million other people. I have good self esteem and don't feel anyone deserves this. I want things to work out…. but it doesn't seem like he is going to change anything or that he even sees the problem. He did go to therapy for porn …..but I feel overwhelmed with the layers of this thing. It's gotten so complicated, but then not really. Be honest. Why is that so hard?

Hi, I just sent off your own words. You sound so clear and the story of your relationship is told so clearly. It sounds like you man may be suffering from narcissist issues, possibly the disorder. I am a clear, powerful woman myself and have been in a relationship with a man myself which kicks me from loving and dreaming about him to feeling horrible. 'My' man also deceives, fails to see the point, avoids, breaks promises and has many failures in empathy towards me. Often I am not sure whether his apologies are sincere at all or part of his web of manipulation and lies. A while ago I found a great web site dealing with being 'hooked' to a narcissist. Check Melanie Tony Evan's stuff. She also has check list. My guy came out complete as the narcissit that will never be held accountable and causes continuous dammage to his partner/s. I must shamefull admit, that after doing all the self-love work necessary to heal from this addictive relationship I am back with him. Right now he is off for the week and I am going through a tough day. Leave or not leave.... our to leave and stay away.... or maybe I am wrong and he is not as bad as I believe in those low moments when mistrust takes over. Make sure you don't make any legal and binding contract (eg. marriage) with him before resolving all the issues!!!! Love yourself and protect yourself!