I want to tell my BF about the time a guy did something bad to me. Plus, I think its considered rape. Please help me.

So I have been with my boyfriend for 8 months now. We really love each other. I hope to marry him one day. The problem isn't him- he's the best man I could ever have. The problem is that one time his cousin made a move on me and I told my boyfriend but now he doesn't trust me. I don't trust myself either. I made a stupid mistake and started texting this guy from school. He asked if I could meet him out of class and I did. He touched me and I felt really bad. We did some more stuff too. The next day he said he just wanted to talk so I met him again and he walked in this closet (this was at school during class when no one was in the hallway). I followed him because I knew if I left then he would get really mad and tell every body what we did and would lie and say we had sex. So I followed him into the closet but I had no plans whatsoever to have sex. He turns out the lights and kisses me. He touches me and I tell him not to but I don't push him away because sexually I want him to but mentally I'm appaled at the idea. So he fumbles around with himself and I ask what he is doing and he says he isn't doing anything. I think he's putting on a condom he told me he had. He says he isn't. I tell him many times that I do NOT want to have sex. Things had already gotten too far. I only wanted someone to talk to on the phone. He pokes me with something down in my area like he is trying to put whatever it is in. I grabbed it and feel that it is his penis with a condom. I tell him no and he just replies with "why not? I know you want to". He tries to put it in but can't. He sits down and tells me to come toward him. I walk to him because I know that if I walk away and leave him that he will spread rumors that we had sex and it would end up breaking me and my boyfriend up since he didn't trust me. So he tells me to sit on his lap and I do. He tries to put it in me but it won't fit so he picks me up and sits me on it so it's in me a little bit then he moves me up and down and it hurts really bad. I had sex before but it never hurt like this. It's not because of his size. After a few minutes he tells me to get up off it then he pulls his pants on and leaves. I finally find my underwear and walk outside shaky. He's not there so I go to the bathroom because I feel terrible and dizzy. I go in the stall and see that there is a little bit of blood in my underwear. (This is the first time I bled besides when I lost my virginity, and I didn't bleed this time because of his size. It was because of the force he used.) I walk back to my class and text him and ask why he left and he asks me mean questions about why my body looks the way it does. I texted him to feel in control of the situation and to persuade myself that nothing was wrong. That he didn't do it when I didn't want to. I felt so scared but I felt like it was all because of me. Now I take full responsibility for cheating on my boyfriend but I do not take any responsibility for what he did to me (the guy). I know I put myself in the situation but I never had any intention of sex and I feel like he took a part of me he didn't deserve. I haven't told anyone because I just now saw that he is the bad guy. Even though I cheat on my boyfriend with kissing and texting and such, he was the one who raped me. But I want to tell my boyfriend but he will break up with me if he knows I cheated on him again and might try to kill the other guy. I don't feel right not telling him though (my BF). Please help!

If you can't tell anyone but you can tell a random stranger on a site about this I think it's a bigger issue. Actually this is a hugeee issue this can scar you for life I think you should see a therapist just to talk to someone they can give you professional advice. I think you should tell your boyfriend about the guy... even if he breaks up with you at least you told him the truth it won't be easy but he deserves to know the truth. This other guy needs to back the HELL away from you if you told him to stop he should have freakin stoped!! You also should have left even if he spread rumors about yall having sex now it's true so whats the differance:/ you need to tell this guy the next time you touch me in a way that I uncomfotable I will call the police. Let him know how serious you are because this should not be taken lightly. Priorites is what it comes down to you could have left but you chose to stay and have sex with this other guy just because you were scared to loose your boyfriend? Maybe you and your boyfriend arent as close as you thought if you can't tell him what this guy did to you. Please promise me you will at least talk to SOMEONE about this. DO NOT text this other guy ever again unless it's telling him if he touches you your calling the police or this can keep happening. I would probably contact the police as well

Hi Yellow Monkey, EM651 is totally right. You were raped. You need to stay away from this guy. As for your boyfriend he sounds pretty unstable if he is willing to kill someone. You need to get help with this rape and once you have integrated it into a healthier state of mind you should get help and counseling on how to choose healthy men not ones who are willing to rape, break up with you for rumors or kill. I have recently chatted with many women in rape situations who can't afford counseling. I felt out of my depth but still wanting to help. So I trolled the internet and found what I think are some good websites and chat rooms that may help you get better advice than here at peoples problems. Here they are: http://www.giftfromwithin.org/ http://www.aftersilence.org/forum/ http://centers.rainn.org/ To the best of my knowledge these are free and the last one will help you find a center that can help. Your bravery to come here for help inspires me so I thank you for that. You have helped make my day a little easier to endure.