Controlling / posessive mother in law

Ive been in a 20 year relationship with a guy 17 years younger than me, whose Mother WONT let go. Examples, firstly 20 yrs ago she told me to sell my house as my partner hated it, because I had it as a divorce settlement. She also told me that my partner wanted to live near her. I know everyone will think I'm crazy, and at that time I must have been, because I did sell the house & rented one 3 miles away from her (this woman has one other child a daughter, older than my partner & a husband whom she is still with & has been married to for 45 years now). I should also add, that at the time she told me all this she also told me not to mention our conversation to my partner because he would be embarassed and feel awkward! Since then she has done what I feel are truly wicked horrible things. My partner's sister & her husband split up, because of the Mother interefering all the time, and his brother in law wasn't allowed to see the children. We offered to let him bring them to our home one weekend a month(after we had moved away from the area they live in). To stop that arrangement, my partners mother reported me to social services accusing me of abusing her grandchildren, and my own children. Eventually the whole thing was dropped, but it caused me enormous distress. She is always still now telephoning here telling me her son has to go home to her, she needs him, he needs to be married to someone who fits in with them. My eldest son died in an accident last year and the day after she rang me telling me my partner must not make any financial contribution toward the funeral, she needed money for his nephews, and she needed him home. More recently his fathe has been diagnosed with terminal cancer, and she is making more calls, telling me that he has to go home to her when his father dies. I no longer go to their home, I want nothing whatsoever to do with them. She also told my partner that if he doesn't go home to her then so far as she is concerned he is not their son, or the son they wanted. I am beside myself, perhaps I am confusing all the issues, I dont know. My partner wants to go to his parents for Xmas, as it will be his father's last, he wants me to go with him, I dont want to go. I feel more and more like telling him to choose, or simply to go back to his mother and be a good little boy. We have no children of our own, I couldn't have anymore, and that is another thing she wants, grandchilren from my partner, she say's to keep the family name going. Can anyone out there please give me some advice please?

any man who puts his mother before his partner isnt a man. they are little boys always wanting to please mummy and not upset her. what about your feelings? do they not come into it. i have had to put up with a manipulating and controlling mil for 9 years and it never got any better. what i cant understand is why no-one ever stands up to mils like these. that is the reason they get away with it. you deserve a medal for the last 20 years. thing is, do you want to put up with it for another 20 years. you could take your chances and hopefully she might pop her clogs early. otherwise you can guarantee nothing will change and your partner will still be jumping through hoops trying to please her. if you can get out of it and start loving your life and enjoying it, without the interference of that evil mil, then i would do it!

Hi, thankyou, you have made me feel so much better, sad as it is I do feel you are right, he's a proper mummy's boy. Thankyou again & all the very best.

your welcome. thanks for your reply to my post titled victim not villain. i feel sorry for you as there is no way he is going to change his loyalties from his mum to you. if he had any backbone he would tell his mum where to shove her turkey but then if his father hasnt really done anything bad, it seems sad that he will have to suffer because of her. here we go! my soft sentimental side coming out again! i really must do something about this side as it is what has kept me here this long. my ex partners mum was a right witch and everytime she did something bad i swore that was it and i would have nothing more to do with her.but then ex would wear me down saying how we should let the past go and move on and be freinds. if i didnt agree he would shout and curse or sulk for days. eventually i would come round but needless to say next time he fell out with me she would be round our home. always telling me i dont treat him right and dont respect him and all he does for me and my kids. she once followed me around the house because i said i didnt want to speak to her and it was between me and my ex. she is absolutely obsessed with her boy and will move mountains to get him what he wants. when she is around here spouting off he just stands ther like a mute and i think oh my god what a child he really is. he wil never have a relationship while his mother is around and i even told her that when anything happens to her he will probably end up doing suicide. she looked shocked but i think she would have been stoked to think she means so much to her little boy. god i will have to stop going on it just makes my blood boil. i would never ever in a million years forgive your mil for what she did to you the day after your son died. what pure evil and wicked person could do that to someone who has just lost a child. i dont know how you have kept your hands off her! its making me mad just thinking about it. why doesnt your partner say something to her? does he realise what she is like or is he just keeping the peace. is he even thinking about moving home to her? let me know how u get on and dont go to her at xmas. she will have won then and it will never stop. take care.