My vent sorry for the novel

i have so much bottled up in my mind.. and i know its not healthy. my weakness is my fake belief in the strength of not wanting to reach out for help if this makes sense. so with that being said obviously im stepping out of that realm apologize for this being a novel ill just write how it comes out new to this thing never thought id be here and just typing this out whether or not you reply will take it off my shoulders..for the last week my girl and i have been on what she calls "space" now when i say space keep in mind we live together still sleep in the same room i still pick her up from work and even cook for her.. the space effects us in a way where were almost on a friend only level. i have anger issues which i believe are hereditary how ever i havent always been like that . i have many view points on why i am the way i am which i seem to have evolved into this angry cold hearted figure in just the last year. possibly because of the details of my last job...call center.. a lot of mental abuse from customers and ofcourse you have to deal with it. not employed there anymore the job was miserable and its been a month since ive worked there and a year that i was employed there which is where i met her at as well. i quit that job cuz inside strongly felt that was my problem working a tired day job that i hated in the miserableness just transfered to my personal life.. thought it would end there and i would be the lover to her as i was when we first got together.. now as a rewind to when we first got together we took the same training class.. she wasnt my first pick though lol a lot of people end up dating at this place. you spend most your time where you work especially there so you take on that companys lifestyle as well as being employed. so she wasnt the first pick yes rejection is a female dog. however she comes into the picture a girl who always talked to me and in my head i thought she was crushing hard lol she would say otherwise. i feel i can admit on here but not to her as i dont know the outcome but im a guy and at the time it had been awhile since i had been with a girl. so my intentions were just sex. "player" status. get in get out and on to the next one type of thinking. that thought diddnt last obviously. because that aint me i was just a person tired of being someone a women could walk upon wanted to flip the script if that also make sense to you. when we first started talking growing what would eventually be a relationship we talked a lot on skype after work. one memory i can see vividly which was the turning point thought got me out of the player way of thinking was the smile on her face she was in her pajamas telling me but a brief summary of where she came from and what it was like where she came from. but all i truley remember was the feeling i got from that smile its gonna sound lame but ive sat here for a minute thinking of the word to explain it and i cant. other then i wanted her i cant explain the feeling. but it was mutual it was a game to get her atleast how i saw it. im the kind of person who use to have a child like mindset always be upfront with my feelings for another person.. this time i wanted to play games misdirect i would say one thing but mean the opposite and she ofcourse could see thru it and know what i meant just from my tones. anyways like i siad this is a novel i apologize but its my way of venting kind of out of the ordinary and unusual for you. i dont know really havent read anyone elses problems which i will for possible better insight for what im going through along with findings things i can possibly learn to prevent problems for the future and put to rest the other demons locked in my closet.so after i fliped my own script from being a player and back to a lover and her being the one i wanted my life to evolve with a few months down the road she moves a couple towns up closer to work things were goin on with the current status of where her an her best friend were living at she decided to take and invitation to be a roommate along with her friend as well to another fella from are training class. me being who i am diddnt like this i dont think i fully expressed how i felt being so new together and not wanting to be a female dog about the situation. being as sly as i am Lol i moved myself in cause i wasnt gonna take a chance of another guy taking what i held as being precious.turns out that dude was a female dog on all levels as suspect he had a thing for her from the beggining as well as i did shes bi so habitually on how her life has been she befriends a lot of guys she at the time i diddnt know but talk to him for advise and the whole time he would try and derail are relationship. i always had this feeling in my gut about this female dog that i just couldnt place trust in him so i maneuvered my relationship with ole female dog as it i felt it should be. diddnt find out until the last straw was taken from the cup. spittin lies saying i was cheating on her and that he saw me at lunch with another girl. crap that was made up . which i shoulda seen it coming because he openly admited where hes created storys out of thin air way before this ordeal. so being the intelegent being who i am i stuck my brand into that man like the female dog he is. he needed roomates because of the previous roomates moving out and he couldnt keep up on the rent so my plan was to get everybody to move out with out notice since he was subloaning i thought if i got everyone to move out and the thre of us got a place together it would put him in his place which it did served him an eviction notice.. probably not the best thing ive added to this world but i cant change it thats problem #1 never appreciated her turning to him to talk about us i felt she should have talked to me . problem #2 was she wanted a dog guess who she turned to on it.. yes mr female dog.. i got a text hey i have a suprise.. its a dog come to find out she got it with him ofcourse im rewinding things cus i forgot to mention this problem before problem #1 but on with the essay ive layed before your eyes. i would have been more then willing to get a dog with her but a dog can be up to a 20 year decision and that i felt was something we should have made between the two of us a relationship decision. so i held a big resentment to her for this along with towards the dog which is just pathetic as i reflect on my own actions. but the resentment towards her was real it bothered me inside. but as i said in the beginning that smile i saw on skype would come into mind and save me from making a terrible relationship ending decision. in are new place all is well my first christmas with her went amazing but not as special as i wanted it which will get into more but it wasnt as special because at that point in time i realized hey i wish it was just me and her making these memorys. so as time goes on i find these little things about there other person that would erk me like i have ocd when it comes to the set up of the house and number one i like it clean which i do myself all the time. and this girl would just not respect it. ive put 25 years into this world and although not all but a lot of what i picked up from my mom has carried with me im an adult and living with this friend of hers was like living with a 15 year old. but i couldnt express this to my girl because it was her friend and i diddnt want to be that guy to inflict a friendship end or just create tension so i kept it to myself. but things that you think of if you keep thinking them they will eventually turn into things you will say in my opinion atleast so yes i vented them to her finally and well we both have ocd and my girl was feeling a lot of the same things so to come to find out i wasnt alone in those pet peeve feelings of mine. them 2 girls fight all the time and make up. over and over gets heated alot because the friend has a 15 year old mind set when it comes to bills paying up so we can all stay afloat things i had problems with when i first came into the adult world ill admit but i was in no state of mind wanting to hold someone elses hand while they went thru it and i would have the reep the consequences. which the evolve the thought of my girl giving her the boot thing is my girl came up with the idea.. inside i was so relieved at the idea of it finally just being me and her. ofcourse when it came down to it all my girl telling her friend to find another place i found the strength to step in and tell my girl to not do it. because it just diddnt feel right. not the way this should go down kind of thinking. an hey sorry but im getting ahead of myself the important factor in this for you the reader to know but inbetween these artifacts that make up my history in the last year.. i may have lost myself who i am in this past year.. why i dont could it be all these issues i keep bottled inside? i dont know.. could it be that my job at the time was a call center so i took in a lot of verbal abuse and which i do see and know spilled over into my personal life. i mean if you got customers downgrading you because your the voice of company and using statesment directed to you it can eventualy tear you down mentally. could that be the reason i dont know but what i do know is my train of thought my mentality was changing thrus this year of knowing this girl i became cold hearted female dog to my babe i became a male part lol get this i hate myself daily for it but certain things just erked me with my girls decision from small things i would say the meanest things but then regret them i truley hate myself for treating her the way i did and well i havent been this last week ofcourse. my girl is my world my fire my rock she supports every deciusion of mine. so i quit that miserable existence of a job making 1000 to 1300 every 2 weeks if i put in all the ot really made it good there but money an amazing thing cause the cost of living where i am is rediculous one person alone of 10 an hour wich just a hair above minumal wage you just cant survice so my apiphany went off in my head. quit that job i got my ged a year ago before i started that job. i need to take my donkeys exit hole to college get my associates for bussines then to a university . get that dream house have that dream car 401k all of it in 6 years to come it just hit me why struggle and having nothing in 5 years when i can struggle and in 6 years maybe 10 who knows but have that support family lifestyle kind of system? i vented like flipped off the deep end to my girl she knew as well as i did i need out of that job. the very reason i am here the very reason while i will marry this girl thru thick and thin and see past her visual to womanly flaws LoL and merry this girl is because after my vent she supported me on my decision to quit my job. so i did it. life is a trial by error proccess you learn as you go if you have the strongest guidance.. so i quit with no financial back up plan. luckily landed a part time job 5 hours after i quit lord behold someone diddnt want to fail miserably. part time though not the same hours so theres a big problem that i diddnt think thru i bet she did but she wants me happy she supported me. the one thing as i write this dang novel to you am realizing i am the worst to return that support to her always been bad at it with her. i am my own enemy. this is all recent within the last month so hear she is my angel my love picking up all these extra hours and the same place i quit so selfish of me as the weeks went by i saw the what my decision did to her shes so damn beautiful so damn strong.. stronger then me when i failed to see .. setting up payment arrangements for bills and all sorts ofcourse i qualify for a food handlers card so yeaaa that helps a little but from my decision ive created a financial tension with her and everything in the past is in the mix of where im at. till this day she says i want you happy.. but why i think why at the cost of your own happiness? why would she make herself miserable to get me out of feeling miserable? i love her so much for this but dont deserve it like i can be the biggest dirt bag but here she is doing all she can for me and now i cant do the same for her. and there i go a week ago over some as stupid as heck stuff i have a cat that just totally thrashed the blinds in are room she wakes up all bitter towards the cat and i got flip like im waking up to her being upset half asleep as i am i dont say the greatest words and there comes the space my babe at her boiling point all from my own decisions that let our relationship to where it is. to you readiing this it wont faze me a whole lot if you dont reply with any advise im sure most peeps will stop halfway before reading my essay but it just feels good getting this all out like self reflection but to a possible audience that i dont even know finding things out on my own a lil here anyways where me and my girl are at right now i fear that im going to loose her i just simply cant for all that she has done for me. i wanna go back and change myself but duh i cant can only move forward i just dont know which foot to step forward with in this disaster ive created so if you whos reading this and made it to the end and has been thru this been thru anything close wether old or young. give me any bit of good advise so i dont further more damage my relationship with a girl who i pathetically wanted to play which unknowingly turn into the love of my life., i would appreciate it.. there are a lot of grammer and punctuation errors but this all a natural ramble of the mind. have a good night.

You need to tell her how you feel and see how she reacts. If she area take it from there an see what she can do to help an if not maybe she just doesn't care about you too and sorry about all your problems but you will find the perfect girl for you one day