Can we rebuild our relationship?

Hi, I am 34, I lost my mum to cancer 0ct last year. It was two weeks after, when I told my husband I wanted to leave, I felt like I could not cope, my mum had suffered ten years, three cancers, I wanted to escape. I told my husband I wanted to have sex with other men. We have been together almost seventeen years, with him going to Australia in 2003 and returning when he felt the impact of me seeing other men. He left for Oz in dec 2003 when'll mum was diagnosed with non hofgkins lymphoma.. I had always felt very insecure, needing to sleep, feeling unloved when he did not want to see me. My dad had been abusive to my mum, my sister and me.. Leaving me feeling very unsure of myself, bullied at school and unloved. In 2012 I cheated on my husband, I was taking medication and recently have been diagnosed with bipolar and personality disorder. My beautiful daughter is three, luckily she is still confident and happy, we stopped at friends and in a shared house for just a month, when things got too much. I had been having sex with different men and seeing one guy if 23 from jan to march. We were not good for each other, my insecurity and anxiety were in enable at times.. I stopped in the family home some of jan to march, So my husband was aware of my dates with men, he checked my phone and rang men who I chatted with from a dating website. We have so much to get through, I see a physiatrist and gave support from a key worker with in the Nhs, I have not yet started bereavement counselling. I have flashbacks every day of the guy I met in JAn and have only just stopped messaging him.. He has blockede from FB, I did tell him to....but it dies hurt. In between feb and march my husband and I have tried to make things work, then in may, whilst he was on holiday I went to see the guy from jan (C) his mate (k). I am still in touch with k. I still message other men, some times if a sexual nature. My husband and I have not started relate yet, he knows I saw K in may, he would be mad if he knew I still messaged him..as you have read things are extremely complex.. I needed escapism as I could not cope with reality. Reality us still very hard and that's why I text these other guys... Yes I am tempted to see them again. Hope the info is not too mind boggling. I think I know the answer I just want support, as I am a good loving person, wife and mother, however I am really struggling, the anxiety, bpd abd depression make all thus very challenging, although I do take two different types of tablets, thanks everyone xxx

Hello I understand you are married but honey if your not happy. . let him go. No matter how much it hurts hhim Because in the end you are the one that's going to wonder where your happiness went away in your life. Life is too precious not to be happy. But be safe with other men there is a lot of diseases out there.