I do not know how to get over this...

I do not know where to turn... I am 53 and married for 31 years. I went on jury service last November (2007) and was attracted to a girl (who lived fairly local to me) and being a kind person offered to give her lifts home after court finished. We continued our friendship on a fairly regular basis by neeting in a local pub. Last monday, however, things got a bit, shall we say steamy and we started to kiss and cuddle and caress each other. She knows that I am married and she was in tears saying that she would love to have a relationship with me but that I am married and that she was not that sort of girl. I reassured her that it would not be a problem and she seemed satisfied with that and we continued kissing and cuddling. She said that we should get a hotel room for a day and go on from there. Since this, she has been distant (ish) and I got a text from her saying that she does not want to get involved with a married man... but to think of us as friends. My life and emotions have been turned upside down by this and I cannot eat properly, keep getting breathless and I cannot concentrate. When ever I think of her, I feel close to tears... What can I do in this situation? Regards,

Dear Alan, Tell me more about yourself (hobbies, interests, etc) and your family. I can try to give you a hand if you like but I need to have a feel for what the situation is. ok?

Thank-you for your reply. My interests are- Computing & Photography My family consists of- My wife and two children a girl aged 22 and a boy aged 19 Until this event happened, I have often looked but not touched and have been reasonably happily married with the usual arguments etc. I still am in an emotional mess over this and I still cannot get this girl out of my mind.

I hope you're feeling better by now, Alan? If not, then perhaps I can offer some help? It sounds as if you have repressed your natural desires for a long time 'looked but not touched'? It's only natural to be interested in the opposite sex, but you ahve been faithful. Is there anything missing in your marriage? What qualities do you imagine this girl to possess that your wife doesn't? And if you feel bad now, imagine how much worse it would be if you'd gone ahead with an affair! Sexual attraction isn't love and the turmoil you're going through is because of the shock and the impact of those unaccustomed hormones/chemicals that flooded your system. Let her go and thank the situation for reminding you that you're still very much alive. Try putting a bit of a spark back into your marriage. Surprise your wife with a trip to a nice hotel, maybe? Start 'courting' her agian and you may be pleasnatly rewarded.

Hi Firstly let me congratulate you on realising you need help and not being afraid to ask for it. You have certainly been married for a long time so something must be right in the relationship even though you still got involved with this girl. She is quite a bit younger than you and obviously she made you feel still attractable do you not think? You talk about your emotions being all over the place and can not eat and keep getting breathless and feel close to tears when you think of her. You are choosing to feel this way and you do have a choice, as we can all change our states! How about focusing on your marriage and the good times you have had with your wife and also have you thought about sitting down and talking to her honestly. Do you not think she is wondering what is going on with you in the way you are behaving. My husband announced to me a year ago that he had been unfaithful for all our 25 years together, which included numerous one night stands, been with a prostitute and had an affair with my best friend for 18 months and you may ask are we still together and yes absolutely and we are in the best relationship ever. We both had to look at how we had been in our relationship and what past patterns in our life and contributed to the way we were. We are all looking for love and connection and if this breaks down with our partners it can be so easy when someone outside of the marriage starts showing affection but I am sure you will agree that after 31 years of marriage you must have been getting something right. Do you really want to throw all that away. You just need to put the excitement and passion back into your marriage. I am a trained Relationship Coach and if you want more specific suggestions then do write back. love and support x

Thank you for getting back to me Alan and for holding on. Try to explain what this girls represents to you and what do you think she gives to you that you're missing ? let me know. v.

youngcj, can you please look at my thread, how can we go on......hi alan please dont throw away your relationship.