Give me advice, don't judge me

Hello this is my first time posting something online, so I need your advice, suggestions and support. I really don't need to hear I deserve it, because I know I do. Well my problem is an emotional relationship with my ex. I cheated (not physically) but I talked to other women. Our relationship lasted 5 years and we have known for about 8 years. We went to college and graduated together. When I say physically, it literally means that...I did not touched, kissed or had sex with someone. I met someone at the mall, she gave me her number and I never called her(seriously). My ex found out and she does not trust me. She thinks I had another relationship while I was with her. Anyways, long story short. She left me, I tried everything possible to get her back, flowers, love letters, surprises in her car, anything, things that I knew she would melt and i am not talking about material things, but small details that she loved. Well it worked for some time, but she decided to leave. She told me to respect her decision and not seek her anymore, my all the pain in my heart I did, and I am still respecting that. I know she has gone out on dates and breaks my heart. So I stopped talking to her, texting her and all communication. When this goes for a week, 2 or 3. She texts me, asking "If this is the end?" or similar things, and she plans a seed of hope in me. Then she ignores me again for weeks. This has been going on for about 2-3 months and even though I say I will leave her, I never do, because once she calls me. I am weak and go see her...usually ends up having sex, then again she ignores me. Why? I know i destroyed our relationship and I accepted that, but why she contacts me again after a while reopening my feelings for her. Any advice, suggestions...please don't judge i am a cheater I know just help out here. I have nobody to talk to.

I don't believe you cheated & I think she just keeps bringing you back into her life when she feels like it, cause she knows that you will jump when you say jump. If you really want her to miss you and come back to you for real then when she messages you, ignore her.

It sounds like she has problem with trusting people, and unfortunately you broke her trust and removed her ability to trust you. If l was her l would have seen that as a huge red flag that you would just do it again. Ok so, you didn't really do anything 'major' but the trust is lost and she can't see a way back. What to do about it? I wish l had the answer, just try your best to move on. Get on with your life. To get back together is her decision, the best you can do is show her your a good person, not a stalking weirdo. If she continues to send you mixed messages, inform her that you are willing to discuss it in person in a neutral place ( walk in park) set a date a week or two in the future. Let her do the talking, repeat back what she tells you so she knows you understand. If this works set specific dates to see each other. The future of the relationship is in her head. her head is saying no 'once a cheater always a cheater' and her heart can't let go. Consider that her head might win. Good luck