Control

Ive been with my partner for 3 years,and we have 3 children,im 25 and he's 19 we both have a massive problem with control and trust. We stop each other from doing things,we have no freedom at all,the arguments usually end up with both of us using bad violence on each other.My partner has been relised from prison about a year ago for using violence on me. Im tired out with the arguing and games we both play against each other,and it isnt fair on the children,i love my partner very much,and dont think i could handle us splitting up i dont think i would be able to cope with him gone. please give me some advice,and i know i should be putting my children first, i just want us to have a normal relationship for the childrens sakes.

Do you find it difficult to sit together and talk about your issues? It sounds like you both have the same outlook on things, and you both give as good as you get. Tell him that it is important for you to work things out for the kids sake, and that you are concerned about what impact your fights have on your childrens future. If you both love each other, then surely your relationship is strong enough to work thought this bad patch in your life. If you are able to open up to each other, and discuss these problems, then you will find that your relationship flourishes to a higher level, that promotes trust and opportunity. Have you ever read the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus?" - some of the principles in this book are simple to understand and implement in your own relationship... It doesn't sound like prison taught him much about how to treat you, but returning the violence certainly won't show him how to behave, so try not to retaliate with violence - he needs to recognise that he is acting like a kid, and since you have the edge in years, it would be hard for him to deny it.

thanks for reply- I always try and discuss our problems with him,but he just wont. we have never sat down and gone through things he always says 'yeah whatever we'll be fine' this hurts me as i really want him 2 open up to me,i just dont think he knows how 2.And the more i go on at him about this it ends up in a fight,and he goes out for hours on end,and im left thinking all sorts,i have a massive problem with him talking to other women or even looking,i have tried so hard to block my jelousy but i just cant. prison did help him for a good while but somehow the violence has returned,but now i fight back which makes things 100 times worse. i feel so unloved and confused. i will look up that book thanks.

If you are confused, then channel your energy into taking care of your kids, and let your partner choose his own path in life. If you spend too much time upset, and arguing and you end up splitting up, then you'll only look back to today, and wish you had devoted more time to them at this time. That reaction you described is a typical bloke response to not dealing with a problem that is staring them in the face. Try and figure out what it is that makes him want to be with you - are you making his life cosier by providing a home? money? sex? If any of these things are a key motivator for him to be with you, then maybe the relationship isn't actually based on love at all, and you could be wasting your time after all.

yeah your right,he moved into my home.i often ask myself if he had somewhere eles 2 live, would he be here?? he has it easy here i cook,clean,wash i do everything 4 him.Maybe its time to get rid.i just need to be sure that this relationship wont survive.