I want to run away!!!

i am mother and wife , i have four young children 9,7,3,1 .i live in rural location(nice)with no shop . i am at end of degree wuth open university and have been studing for 7 yrs i have been married for 5vyrs we have been together for nearly 11 yrs my husband has always been "difficult" he used to drink excessivly and i left him for 6 months this was 5 yrs ago. we got back togetehr and he has not touched a drop since , he has also qulaifyed as painter decorator(i really encouragedthis as he was doing this anyway without qualification)this has given him bit more confidence/self estem etc his behaviour though is really wearing me down , ifeel pretty desperate .he shouts alot , uses bad language, disrespects me and is a moaner /negative attitude this impacts on kids , there behaviour is becoming incraesingly poor as a result i dont feelt that i can continue to go on like this as they are only relecting the negative thisgs that they are seeing??? he does not see problem if i approach (i have tried so many ways over yrs)he just shout , accuses me of going on/nagging/putting him down whatever the kids are pushing me to limit .he has little involvement in disipline other thatn shouting when it all gets to much, or having a go at me for telling them off! he smokes (including pot)and feels he is justified in spending around £200 a month on this we are on limited budjet!! cant get throught to him he never takes me out despite friends offering to baby sit !! he never cooks for me he does ver little house jobs except sorting bins out and stoking our real fire he feels that going to get provisions from nearsest shop (2 miles awy)is me treating him like aglorified taxi. i am sick sick sick of it all but know that he can be everything i want(as he was when we got back togethr after 6 months five yrs ago, how has it sliped back into this again !!but with two more children in equation!! what can i do to get this sorted all i can think is to leave him agin, but what about impact on kids ?? we have tried counsilin(one session)but found whole relate thing very middle class and not relavant...i would try any thing but he probally would not . he does not seem to feel this is not normal PLEASE HELP WHAT A MESS

My heart goes out to you!Its always more difficult when children are involved. I guess what I want to ask you is if you love him? or is the children just keeping you there?

i really do love him,even though he drives me up the wall. we ahve both come so far really .i just feel like he should be more considerate and less shouty....we ahve a \\\"manic\\\" life it is so busy with kis /scholl/study/work that we get lost in the chaos!! i just want to shove rocket up his arse and get him to realise if we worked together things would be much better for every one he is such a \\\"free spirt \\\"at heart and needs to grow up a bit just feel like i dont know how to make this happen can only think shock tactic would work??ie me and kids leaving for a bit so we can both think etc this is doing my head in as rows seem to be over same things againa nd agin you know

I totally sympathise with your problem, been through a very similar dilemma myself not so long ago. It didn't help that my parents already dislike my husband, but thenkfully i felt i could turn to his parents for support. Surprisingly enough, they were 100% behind me and initially this seemed to kickstart him into some action. But over the next few months he slowly slipped back into his old way. The kids can do nothing right - they get shouted at for EVERYTHING - and it wears me down as much as them - always having to be one step ahead of him, so i can 'get to them first' in a sense (better me dealing with discipline then him, as he's just nasty with it) What i'm trying to say is, first of all do you have friends family on either side that might be able to help you with this? If not then i would seriously think about leaving, but only as a warning. I know how you feel when you say you love him. Sometimes i hate myself for loving, my husband so much, thinking it would be so much easier if i could just go. Let's face it, things seem really bad at the moment, so SOMETHING HAS TO GIVE. You could try talking to him - seriously - and warning him that if he doesn't buck his ideas up, then you're gone. That way, you're giving him the option to try and put things right, therefore it's his choice (in effect) as to what happens......Ultimately it's up to you, only you can decide what'll be best for you and your family. Hope i've been of SOME help!! LOL :-)

It certainly sounds as if you are having challenges in your relationship. Have you ever asked him for what purpose he behaves the way he does? Also how are you behaving in the relationship? I know it can be painful sometimes when we have to look at how we are behaving. I am not saying that you are to blame but it sounds as if you both have past patterns that you need to address, by this how were you both brought up, what were your parents like together. The biggest thing by far is communication and this needs to be done from a loving space not from anger where you would be in your head and that is where all the fear would come from. You mentioned about going to Relate and felt it was very middle class! Not sure what you mean by this. I am a Relationship coach and when my husband and I went through our challenges I could not have got through it so easily if it had not been for my coach. You say you want help but how far are you prepared to go to get this sorted? You are already noticing the effect on the children, do you want them to run yours and your husband patterns in their relationships in the future? Here to help x http://askdougandchris.com/coaching

thanks for all advice so far,really nice to know others understand, i try not to earbash friends/family to much as it makes things awkward for all, especially as we do go through stages when it is not so bad etc and i dont want to "slag him off" really .i can see so much potential for us we have both acheived alot together and i cant imagine us not being together but it is so hard leaving with someone whos so moody and snappy .we found relate a very difficult experience because we are both very strong personalitys , not really mainstream, not comftable with the intamacy of sharing of inner most thought with a third party , i dont know it just did not feel right at all for either (it was my idea )i think i hated it more than he dis .any way how have you resolved you problems????