I have drove the love of my life away

I have alienated my girlfriend by holding onto grudges over insignificant things. Create problems out of something innocent she says or writes. Say mean things to her I don't mean when my feelings get hurt. Accuse her of not being affectionate enough to me or not spending enough time with me when she does. She is diagnosed as bi-polar and I put undue stress on her which is not good which could hospitalize her. She has told me what that does to her. I tell her that she doesn't appreciate anything that I do for her when she is appreciative. Tell her that she doesn't do enough things for me to make me feel loved when she does. I am reluctant to bring things up to her and they come out in a bad way days or weeks later. Have suspicions of her being unfaithful when she isn't. I don't see my role in the problems and believe I am always right. All of the problems stem from me. All of them. She wanted a break and after a email I sent her, I pretty much told her how much she didn't appreciate what all I have done for her and made a list. After that she called it quits with us. I went to a counselor and she believes I have PPD. I wasn't even aware I was doing all of this to her and in my mind I had her as the fault. I did it all and it was not her fault at all. I am awaiting to get an assessment of my disorder for treatment and only self aware at this point. Then I text her explaining what the counselor said with the symptoms I had that effected everything we had a problem with. I was still making it all about me and upset her more. We met online and actually we were a perfect match. After she broke it off with me I activated my two online dating profiles again days afterwards with the intent of talking with women who had experienced bad relationships. To get ideas on what I could do to rekindle our relationship from a woman's perspective. I wasn't looking for another woman. I just wanted the love of my life back. I actually didn't talk to anyone about us or about anything else. I didn't even monitor them after I opened them back up. Her friend seen my profile which made it worse and told her. I can understand her thinking that I was looking for someone else but that wasn't it at all. I was looking for answers to help me with her. I just went about it the wrong way and it made the situation that much worse. I cant even think of another woman but just her. All of this has been horrible and the more I try to do, the worse it gets. Can anyone please help me? I am grasping at straws and I don't know what to do. If I lose her, I will regret it everyday of my life. I have done all of these things to the sweetest woman to ever grace the face of this world. When things are good, they are so great and euphoric. She is a wonderful mother and the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. I will not ever find another woman like her. I cant live without her in my life and she is the greatest thing to ever have happened to me. She is the love of my life. I have the truest and purest love for this woman. She is the sunlight that blankets my world. And I ruined it without me thinking I even was the problem until I was diagnosed. She deserves so much better. I want to get medicated and do whatever exercises prescribed by the DR to get me normal again. This is the biggest mess I have ever made in my life and I want to clean it up. I want to be consistent to where we can have that loving relationship back all the time with no ups and downs. I feel like that deadbeat boyfriend but I'm not that person. Someone please help?

why don't u anonymously post this to her email and she gives u an answer to your problem :)

Be careful getting on medications if you don't need them. Some medications can all but kill your lovelife. My husband is on BP and cholestrol meds and once was all over me and now has no desire. We are hoping to get him more active and at least get him off the cholestrol pill before it ruins our relationship completely. I had a close relative that was bi polar and it is a very difficult road you face. She had so many issues and problems that no amount of medication could fix. I personally think the medication makes some things worse with all the side effects. My relative was always miserable and could never find anything to be happy about. I can't tell you how many pills she consumed everyday. You are a wonderful man to want to work this out. My relative went through three marriages all ending in divorce because her husbands just couldn't handle the unhappiness every day. She passed away at age 59 from what we believe was overdose on her own pills trying to escape reality. Good luck and be very careful getting on pills yourself that you may not need.