Feeling like s**t

Today I decided to write down my thoughts, as I thought it might make me feel a little better about myself. I’m not particularly happy at the moment. In fact, that’s a bit of an understatement, I’m actually feeling pretty low. Today was my worst day in ages. I lost the plot when clearing out the workshop with my mum. I’ve got OCD and I get this irrational rage when anyone organises my stuff, which is what mum was doing. I know it’s irrational, but I just can’t help it. I’ve tried reasoning with myself so many times, but it just doesn’t work. Threw a hissy fit and went back to my place, curled up in a ball and went to bed. Spent a few in bed half-asleep toying with the idea of ending it all, but I’m too big a wuss to go through with it, although one day I think I may surprise myself, no joke. I think about ending it most days. But when I think things out, they don’t add up. If I kill myself it will stop me feeling like shit, but once I do that, I won’t feel anything at all, which is obviously bad, so better to be alive and feel like shit than be dead and feel nothing at all. Sometimes I confuse myself. Recently a friend of mine hung himself for similar reasons, I’m guessing, as he was a hoarder too. It made me so very sad and all I could think about was that if I’d have known I would have helped him. I literally mean I would have done anything to help him. He was such an amazingly talented guy, really there was nothing he couldn’t do. He was a car restorer (the standard of his work and attention to detail were out of this world) and could speak many languages. He was very eloquent and even wrote a book about wartime Holland, which he was looking to have published; hopefully one day I will get to read it. All I could think at the time was what a waste. I suppose it childish to say I wish XYZ, but I really wish he would have spoken out and not done what he did. But then if I were to kill myself I suppose that would be a waste too, so why do I contemplate doing it most days, when I was so upset that my friend had killed himself. The logic doesn’t quite add up, I know. Well fuck the world! Maybe I’m not particularly intelligent; its taken me until 30 to realise that good guys always lose and tossers always come out on top, which is a real shame as it turns out I am one of the good guys. I often think that I’m unlovable and most days I feel like shit, although I do put on a good show and not many people seem to notice. I’ve only had one girlfriend and she turned out to have low self esteem and tried to drive me into the ground in order to control me and get the attention she so desperately craved. The worst thing she ever said to me was that I only wanted her for sex. That really hurt, no kidding. You see, I’m not your typical guy. I waited until I was 26 until I slept with someone as to me sex isn’t he be all and end all. I won’t sleep with someone unless I genuinely care about them – I’m not the shag-around type. Weird, huh, for a bloke? When she told me that I only wanted her for what’s between her legs I felt like utter shit, ‘cos it meant she really didn’t know me at all. Anyone who knows me, even just a bit, will see it’s so obvious that I’m not like that. The other thing was that I made a real effort with her family, mainly because that’s the kind of person that I am, but also because I loved her and by extension, her family too. On her father’s birthday I bought him some paint brushes, pastels and drawing paper; his hobby is art. You know I never heard the end of it – she told me I was more interested in her father than I was in her! Insane. So even today I feel like shit, and often feel unlovable. I know its irrational thinking too. My family love me, that I know for certain. Throughout my life I have never been any good with the ladies. I’m not particularly good looking but neither am I hideously ugly. I think I’m just too nice. By that I don’t mean that I’m a door mat, but I have a big heart and am kind, considerate, yada yada. No-one ever seems to be interested in me, maybe its because I’m not a bullshitter, I don’t know. I’m secretly envious of my friends who are happily married as that’s all I’ve ever wanted. Recently I met my soul-mate, of this I am certain. You may laugh at this statement, but sometimes in life there are things you just know. She is so kind and thoughtful, she is the woman I have been looking for and never thought I would find. Only catch is that she is in a blissfully happy relationship with some doofus. I’m so jealous you have no idea. The sad thing is, I know jealously is for arseholes only, and I never realised that I’m an arsehole, but it looks like I am now. In fact, I often find myself wishing he was dead, which is absolutely despicable I know. I think I can’t really mean it, as if it really happened I would feel terrible. I met the guy and actually he is lovely (although not the sharpest intellect, but then neither am I ) so I can see why she loves him – I just wish it were me, that’s all. This also makes me feel like shit as I’m not a nasty person. So there you have it. Have I mentioned I feel like shit? Lol. So really, my question for anyone wishing to reply is, what the hell is wrong with me, seriously.

Hello there! I promise, I read every single word :) I'm only 13 so you may not believe me, but after reading your problem and seeing the last question, it's clear. NOTHING IS WRONG WITH YOU. I've had an eating disorder and sometimes I get heated up and irritated over food. Seems stupid. I also sometimes feel like killing myself but I know I never will because then, how will the people around me feel? My parents have done soooo much for me and sometimes they annoy me because they want the best and instead of blowing it at them, I keep calm. If you can't help feeling irritated or low because sometimes it's your OCD, maybe after you've cooled down, go and talk to your mum and sort it out. I'm sorry if this a crappy response but what I'm trying to say is, I'm sure a lot of people love you, don't kill yourself haha and hang on there. You'll eventually work it out. No one can change you or bring happiness to you except your self. I hope you feel better.