Christian girl, in love with an atheist

I’m in love with a young man who is an atheist...and I am a Christian. One of the most difficult things about what I’m facing right now is that I do feel like I have stepped out of bounds in several areas for myself personally. I don’t think I’m wrong to feel what I feel. But I have been wrong in how I handled what I feel. I was taught that actions speak louder than words. But I feel everything deeply and that is good. And it also makes my life difficult at times. Both of my parents are good people...who raised my sister and I with grace and continuous love. My mother homeschooled my sister and I as far as she could...(me all the way through high school, and my sister through middle school) My mother was perfectly capable of working outside the home, making a career for herself as she had done previously. She always worked part-time, but during our schooling years, she was all in. So my experience of family runs deeper in my life than is typical for many people...because literally...the one who taught me to read, write, add, subtract, multiply, divide...to learn...was my mother...and in other ways, my father. My mother is a great story-teller....and she sings and speaks well. She’s always been able to communicate from a platform and lead people. My dad is a writer, a thinker...a researcher by nature....He’s more technical. They are not perfect and have experienced pain from a number of places, not the least of which has been one another. It was tough seeing that growing up. But it didn’t seem to affect my sister and I negatively, until later. Life has been difficult for us as a family, financially at nearly all times. My mother knows the Bible inside and out...she loves to teach it. And she teaches it in a way that makes people want to listen. I listened...and I took it all in. I grew to love scripture the way she did. I didn’t see it as a chore or a rulebook. I saw it as a way to hear and learn from God. And that’s how I’ve always approached my Bible. Eventually that turned into my actual profession of faith in Jesus. That happened when I was 13. And from that point on, I took the initiative in my own spiritual growth and development. I read the Bible and studied it on my own. My prayer life took on a whole new meaning, and saw Jesus answering my prayers and intervening in my life in very personal ways. And I walked in that Way. I had no problem with following Jesus...and believed He had my best interests at heart. Honestly I don’t regret doing that, because I don’t believe I missed out on anything important in my early years. I had friends, I had adventures, I had crushes, I even had a first love....absent of any major pitfalls...because I knew how to avoid them. I had friends who had experimented with drugs, alcohol and sometimes sex (that wasn’t discussed much around me) but I had no desire to join them. I didn’t judge them, but they knew I just wasn’t going there. The desire wasn’t there. It is very strange to think about but that’s the truth. I was satisfied with who I was. I wasn’t going to compromise just to be accepted by my peers. And I didn’t. Because I was taught and shown that my peers were not the ones I should follow, I should follow Jesus, and love my friends but not follow them. I even was teased by several friends who actually were Christians...that when I came up in conversation, I was seen as so close to God that I could’ve been Jesus’ sister. At the time I took it as a compliment but deep down I knew it was because I was viewed as a little strange even by my “believing” friends...And it was somewhat hurtful...because I didn’t want to compromise and that somehow made me seem extra “good”--a perfectionist...which I knew I wasn’t...and it also made me feel even more different. I didn’t tell them they were wrong. I simply could not be pushed into doing anything I viewed as “wrong.” And everyone knew it. But I felt alone a lot because of those choices. I was drawn to misfits, outcasts and the unpopular kids, they were my friends. I chose them over everyone else because they were honest. We were the ones that were largely ignored. Jesus taught that everyone mattered. I was set on following His example the best that I knew how, not because it made me look good...because at that time, it didn’t, it made me odd. But I had the angst of a teenager in other ways, I felt out of place the majority of the time. But that was because I chose the misfits over the popular kids. I was nice to the popular kids, but they didn’t notice the misfits and they were my friends so we weren’t close! :) I wanted to go to college, I wanted to fall in love at some point and was sure I would...I just kept going right along. And then I began to sing. I tried out for things and many times didn’t “make the cut” or get picked. I know how it feels to want something so badly...and work and bust my butt to get there...and not make it, get passed over...or simply be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Over and over and over...this has been the story of my life as an artist and a singer. I have had much experience in the past few years...but as a whole...it’s been mostly rejection! (Which I’m told is common and often creates the best work) The thing that picked me up every time was the fact that I knew that Jesus was with me. The reality of His Presence in my life has always been clear until now. My life was about Him. About two years ago, I was devastated by the preceding boyfriend who was a Christian musician at that, who told me he loved me, wanted to marry me... he was going to leave for Spain to do missions work and although I didn’t want him to go, I was supportive, saying that I would wait for him. We continued that way for almost a year until two months before he left, he broke up with me. Over an abrupt phone call. He promised that we would be friends and that he wasn’t going to leave without saying goodbye. I was broken-hearted but believed he really loved me and would eventually want to renew things again once he got settled. His life really had been turned upside down by this massive change coming and I understood that...But he broke that promise and left without a word. As though I was nothing. Just like that. I was devastated. I continued working at my church...in a daze wondering what had happened. Had I been lied to? What had I done to deserve that kind of callous treatment? I knew I had done nothing but I thought I loved him and so I was just broken. I couldn’t get angry because I was so sad. I got really busy with work...and that helped! I actually was promoted...and that lifted me out of the fog somewhat. And so about a year went by and I was doing much better overall, although periodically I still would flashback to those moments right after I learned he had left the country. About 1 year went by...Then one February night I went to a Cafe to meet some friends, and a young man was playing there along with two other songwriters doing a “Writers in the Round.” He was singing in the next room and I went to look and see who it was...He caught my eyes as I was walking across the room toward my friends. I think I smiled at him and kept walking. I talked with my friends for awhile and then decided I wanted to listen to the artists. I wanted to listen to him again. I walked over to one of the couches near the stage and sat down and listened. I tried not to look at him too much because I didn’t want him to think I was one of those girls that just goes after the cute guy with a guitar! But I couldn’t really stop looking at him. For some reason it was just this charming, magical aura around him I couldn’t quite put my finger on it but I just couldn’t help myself. He looked kind to me, I’m not sure why I saw that but I saw it. All he was doing was sitting there listening to the other guys play. But then his turn came again and he looked at me and said, “What’s your name?” and just out of the blue I was like, “UM, Marie” For some reason he heard something else, “Anastasia?” he asked. “No, my name is Marie.” ...He laughed and went on anyway, “Well, Anastasia, Do you want to hear a French song?” and I thought he was just being cute, I didn’t actually think he could sing in French at all! I said, “Sure!” completely expecting him to say, “Oops never mind but here’s another one I wrote instead!” But he launched into a french love song he had written and I was completely taken my surprise and mesmerized at the same time...He was interesting! I think you know pretty much the rest of the story. Started out being friends...the kind of friends that just click and love being together...but always that tension. Always that awkward, “I wanna be with you” feeling and always people assuming we were who were total strangers. I began confiding things to him. We discussed our differences. I tried to convert him! He tried to convert me into not trying to convert him. We sang, we ate pizza on top of his car, my car, the sidewalk...we ate pizza in all the weirdest places. We saw alot of $1 movies. We climbed trees. We walked downtown. He watched me drink coffee. LOL He came over to my apt with friends once when my college friends came through. I came up to the house several times. And then, he invited me over to a summer solstice party. I came, and we had fun...and always the tension. He kissed me that night and it wasn’t the same after that... I knew that if I continued spending time with him, it would get difficult, and complicated. Friends with tension was still safe. But we couldn’t seem to stay away from each other. I’d run. He’d chase me. He’d call. I would come. I did fall in love with him. But I felt myself compromising my own principles I’d lived by my entire life. I’d been happy to live within those parameters before...and now they seemed like prison bars because now I wanted something more. Then I broke, because I believe that people who are a slave to their own “wants” are innately selfish and aren’t acting out of love at all. I broke because I did “love” him, and I felt I had messed up what was already purely good. I wasn’t any different than any other girl that had entered his life. He could not understand why this instant remorse was overtaking me but was valiant in trying to help me understand that my status in his eyes had not changed. He said loved me. But I was grieving over another love. I was still loved and valued by God, Yes! But I believed, I had sinned on a profound level, in a way that I never imagined I would. Once I realized just how far “out of the bounds” I was, almost instantly my mind caught up with my emotions...I realized I had to leave my church job. I couldn’t be in that place of spiritual responsibility when I was having a crisis, and actively finding myself in contradiction of established principles that all the leaders there live by and teach. They were paying me to do a job also keeping within certain standards of ethics. (Which I agreed to whole-heartedly at the time I started and for the most part still agree with!) They were kind to me when I told them of my plans to move. I told them I had plans to finish my album and work on other creative projects. It took about 2 months to transition myself out of my own position. They honored my time there, which was 5 years. The kids were told I was leaving about a week before I left and they wrote cards and notes and brought gifts to the office...I don’t know how I got through it all. I didn’t really want to leave the kids. I transitioned them into the hands of a sweet woman who’s volunteered for years and knows all the families. Not leaving an empty spot, was the only part about leaving that I felt good about! The church staff didn’t know the entire story, which I chose to keep to myself, but I know they had to wonder why I left so quickly. The reality is that if they knew, I would have been removed anyway. So I beat them to the punch. I’ve moved about 150 miles away back home to give myself time to rebuild. I didn’t know what else to do. I couldn’t stay in that same place surrounded by people who all know me as something that I no longer am. I’m still a Christian and don’t want to give up my faith just because of a young man. I also want to become free artistically and financially...outside of the full-time ministry which is all I’ve known for 5 years since college. I don’t feel fit for Christian service in a church environment, but I still am a Christian...and my art reflects that over and over. I am exploring other areas of writing and have always been an artist. I feel like the music I write that reflects Christian faith and values is still worthy to be heard...Even though I’m having questions and doubting...doubting is something that Christianity allows...But I am having a hard time reconciling many things...I do feel like I have failed. He has delved deeper into atheism since all of this has been happening. He and I still talk because he says he still loves me. I no longer try to convert him to my faith. But he is trying to bring me out of mine sometimes. I understand where he is, and it’s just too painful for me. I’ve asked him not to talk with me about those subjects because I literally can’t handle it. I do care for him very much...I know I have hurt him. I’m overwhelmed at where I am emotionally...I don’t think its “right” at times....But I don’t think my feelings for him are wrong. My actions have been wrong, and that’s where he and I part ways. From his perspective I’m simply tied up and held down by archaic ways of thinking...and I need to be set free in order to be happy. But I’m fighting for my life to hang on to the faith that has kept me going these years...Because if I lose that...I’m either free from adherence to a specific code of ethics and morality with no spiritual consequences...or I’m lost forever. Not to mention causing a great deal of distress to my entire family. For me, it would be like telling them, “You imparted your faith to me, and gave me an incredible gift! But I’m leaving that behind because I’m in love and I want a different life. Sorry.” They would feel an incredible sense of loss, grief and even anger...not the kind to be afraid of...but I can’t take that lightly. But my faith is still here breathing inside of me...The one thing that I can’t escape from is the fact that I do believe in Jesus. I do believe He died for me and that He loves me. That He loves everyone in this world so much that He literally gave Himself up. My greatest desire in this life has been to know Him, and to point people to Him. I feel like I’ve lost that...gotten off the track...I’m lost without His voice in my life, it’s like my heart is aching continually. I know I could live a “good life” without being a Christian but I am not sure its the best life for me...It’s like turning around and looking someone in the eyes that’s saved your life over and over again and saying that they don’t matter. When you’ve looked into the eyes of the Savior, figuratively or literally, whatever way you want to put it, you’re not the same person. And I’m not someone who was exposed to Christianity, I am a Christian, because I relate directly to the personhood of Jesus when it comes to my faith. Christ and Christian united in personal relationship...that’s what Christianity is. So many people think that Christianity is a product of the culture...But Biblical Christianity is all about a relationship with Jesus. That’s where I stand and evaluate. Is there societal pressure to conform? Of course there is at times...but when I think about what I’m going through...it’s much deeper than, “Someone’s not going to like that I’m feeling this way.” It’s about losing my way, potentially cutting off my anchor and being set adrift. I have family, friends...people who depend on me, look up to me at times...and it matters how I treat them, it matters how I choose to live my life...because my life effects other lives. Like it or not, I have been a role model. And that is a deep responsibility. I was teaching literally hundreds of children, standing in front of them every week, multiple times, pointing them to a person who has meant everything to me, the center of my world and my life. Those kids have parents, who entrusted me with their children. But beyond the consequences that rejecting Christ brings from my belief system there’s another part that for me is more distressing....is that in this life...I only see beauty in the person of Jesus. I don’t want to lose Him. His voice is what gave me my voice...and in all the circumstances of my life that I remember with fondness and gratitude automatically include Him. He’s just there...Not like a creepy stalker...but like a continuous wind blowing over my thought-processes--cooling them and nudging them--and sometimes it’s a fire in my soul burning brightly and consistently...No matter what is thrown on it...the fire just pops right back up again. It’s just there. The voice of God is comforting to me. Not frightening. People are frightening to me. People can be very good and very kind but People can also be judgemental, unforgiving and selfish...And I believe that God is Justice and has a right to judge, but He is also forgiving. He is good. He is love. I miss God. Isn’t that a funny thing to say...but I do. I miss my love too....I miss him every night and I wish I felt truly free to just run away and be with him. I wish I knew he loved me enough to wait for me to sort through all of this...I’m afraid I’ll lose him completely if I wait too long. But then again, if it’s real, I guess I shouldn’t really worry about things like that...because if it’s meant to be, it will be. He told me I was brave last night...But I am not really all that brave. I’m afraid of him deciding I’m not worth hanging onto while I’m sorting through things. But even though I’m afraid of losing...I want to believe that real love always protects, always trusts and always hopes. So that’s where I am.

you are not compatible with this guy,find someone like yourself ,match not made in heaven

So I can see you are very religious, which is not bad. Also you want to still date the guy , but at the same time you want to keep you regilion. So here is what you should think about, from his point of view you are a beatiful girl who is smart and well spoken ( and yes you are brave, becasue everyone is scared of things it is just how you face them). However he thinks that you may feel like you must do things no matter what, which would make any guy who is in love feel like he is not a good person to let you go through this. So you should tell him that you don't feel forced and that you like this religion and that you will decide on your own weather or not to become atheist, that he should stop trying to convert you and let you decide. Think of the future . I mean if you think you might marry him, ask him if he would be okay with letting the kids decide their regilion and not force them to one side or another. If you don't want to think that far fine, then just try to work things out. And if they done work , then you might have to break up. But try to fix the problem and understand that it is you decision to make.

you are right to be questioning. maybe you should schedule an appointment with a preist and ask him. they would have the best answer.