Old demons

I am a 58 year old male whose wife passed away 41/2 years ago. My issue is not about that. I have moved on and started on-line dating with Match.com 1 1/2 years ago. Quite a few first and second dates later I met somebody for a first date which went really well and a second date that went not so well last November. After a few unanswered attempts of communication after the second date, I stopped attempting to contact her and moved on. Fast forward to March and I was out purchasing a new laptop for my 17 year old son and as fate would have it I ran into this woman in the parking lot of Best Buy We chatted and she asked me to go to a Blues concert that she had tickets for the coming Friday. This really good date has led to an ongoing 5 month relationship. During these five months I have totally fallen for her. She certainly likes me a lot. We have many interests in common. We are both self employed and of equal intellect. We stay in touch almost daily and every time we get together we have a great time. Hear is the problem. It is my issue as I know what to do intellectually but I am having a problem emotionally. My lady is also a widow whose long term husband passed away coming up on 2 years in a couple of weeks. Not a very long time. She certainly likes me enough as we do keep seeing each other but I just may be an interim guy for her. She does continue to date other men however she recently indicated that that might be ending. They go one or two dates and then she sends her form letter. She has very honest and open with about her feelings even going so far as to tell me about her rebound guy that she dumped when we became intimate. She always tells me how comfortable she is with me and how much she likes me. She even calls herself my girlfriend at times but then suggests that I should date other women myself. I do know what this is. She not over her husband yet. They met when she was 17 and were married almost 30 years. She is 54 now. I can relate. She told me at 1AM this morning after watching a movie at her house that I could not spend the night. This also happened last Monday evening at the same time of the day. We conversed about it and she informed me that she was a hold on relations for the next few weeks as she deals with the 2nd anniversary of her husbands sickness and passing. She wants to deal with it head on unlike last year when she took a trip to Peru. Last year she ran from it. I totally understand and told her so and also that I can deal with that as long as I continue to see her and she continues to hug and kiss me as she was doing last evening. My issue is I am always for the shoe to drop and each time I fret about it it never comes to pass but I fret anyway when I don't hear from her as in the almost three days this week. My insecurities stem from my first wife after a seven year relationship and three years of marriage kissed me, said she loved me, went to work with the clothes on her back and never came home. This was thirty years ago. Needless to say I was devastated. I had extreme depression and anxiety attacks for the first year and it two fulls years to recover to normal human being status. Ten years later a married my second wife and raised my family. I am way over that wound from 30 years ago but I obviously have a scar which is now asserting itself in my insecurities with this terrific lady.I know there are never any guarantees but I not felt this way about anybody for a very long time. That even includes my second wife. I am looking for any advice that might help me cope or give me added insight. I am not blind to the issue but moving on at this point is not appealing at all. I have few friends that I can talk to about this that can me unbiased input so hence I am writing this tremendously long post.

Hello there, after briefly reading your story it appears to me that this lady is quite happy carrying on as she is. She's simply enjoying her life and keeping her options open. Have you told her you feel about all this? But in a nut shell I'd say this lady is a free spirit and probably won't change her ways any time soon :-/ Regards. Charmaine

Yes we discussed it and at dinner Saturday I told her the story of how my first wife left me and how that left me a little insecure. she understood. She knows we all have demons. There is that word again. I understand she is not going to change anytime soon but I am definitely not going to stop seeing her unless she ends it. I can accept her situation. I am just trying to figure out how to keep my feelings for her in check. She just text me out of the blue as I am writing this. See, I know she really likes me and she has said such. Some people have suggested that she is a little afraid of her feelings for me and that is why she keeps me at arms length sometimes.

Well possibly yes. It's a difficult one. Iv known some people (and from my own experience) to behave in such a way to 'fill time' as and when it suits. From what you've shared, things seem ok for you, and I hope they continue to do so. But yes, DO keep your feelings in check. Look after yourself, please be careful not to get hurt. Be strong, Charmaine