Do I leave?

SGREEN - Sep 4 2013 at 20:09

Member since Sep 2013

Okay I will start at the beginning: 9 years ago i worked with someone and got very close to them as friends, we both had partners and used to go on double dates, but our work colleagues always thought we were better suited to each other. He left where i worked after 2 years and we kept in touch abit but then both of us spilt up with our long term partners and 6 years ago now we were together. It all happened very very fast and after only weeks of dating we were living together. We had so much in common and he always knew how to make me laugh and was so affectionate. He proposed to me after only a few months of being together but joking around i said no, not till you have got me a ring. So he went out and got me a ring, the perfect ring, he was so excited and kept it at work but decided he wanted to surprise me with it and not just give me it. Then it all went down hill, i dont know why or what happened as he stopped talking to me, he moved out to get some space. Then on Xmas day he was in a car crash and lost his short term memory and forgot most of what had happened in the months previous bar a few things (tho I didn't know this till recently). He ended it just like that and went back to his ex and had a child with her, leaving me wondering what had happened? He hurt me so badly, left me in such a bad way.. I dont even know if he cheated on me with her before the crash or if it was all after, i just dont know and he cant tell me. I moved on, too quickly, and found someone who i knew wouldnt leave me and married him. Okay so he wasnt my first choice but i cudnt have that so i had to move on. We have been together for 5 years now and married for 2.5. My husband is like my friend, always there, we have been through alot together, got a lovely house, car and two dogs who are our babies. We have the best of times when we go away but general day to day life isnt as good. We seem to argue about the most stupid of things (salad, who argues over salad) and we dont do anything together it is so boring. Money is tight and has been for a while so it seems even more difficult to do anything. We probably have sex about once a month, if i am lucky and its always me who has to start it off, he has such a low sex drive and mine is so high. The times when we are a happily married couple is when we are doing silly things or have a project to do together, we get so involved together, but that doesnt happen all the time in everyday life. We cant even just sit and watch TV together or cuddle in bed it just isnt him, he gets uncomfortable. We havent used contraception since our wedding and i am still not pregnant (tho i can hardly say we are trying). He is a push over and definitely under the thumb by me, i control everything, expenses, shopping, have to deal with all the stress and he wont step up to the mark, i feel like his mother! It's always up to me to do everything around the house, I really feel he could help out alot more but it's no longer worth the arguments to try! But i am his world, and i know that deep down he does love me, he just doesnt always show it, but is it enough just to be loved? My family and friends love him as he is a big soft teddy bear! So I have this very dependable husband, who will never leave me, never hurt me and it would kill him if i left but all he does every night is sit around playing on his pc games, we never do anything and when i suggest something he cant be bothered or some other excuse... All that time i have been thinking of this other man, what if it had worked out? what is he doing? I wish he would come back and ask me to marry him again! So much so that my husband is jealous of the relationship I had with him.Then he came back! It was just a message on facebook to start with but we were quickly meeting up with each other again and yes it has gone alot further than that and we are now 6 months down the line. I feel such strong feelings towards him, I feel just as in love with him as I did 5 years ago, i wish so much that it had worked 5 years ago, i wanted to have his children and be married to him, he really does rock my world lol. I feel so alive when i am with him, like a 16 year old again, but is that all just coz is it new? would it become mundane after a while? Sometimes i wonder if we have too much in common, can that be a bad thing? So he is back in my life and we talk all the time, there is so much i want to do with him and can see us together but i dont think he does. He has had several relationships in the past that i think he could be stayed with but he cheats and ends up ending it, i know he has hurt other women this way. He doesnt seem to believe in being happy and i feel that whenever he is, he has to end it or add in some drama. I cant get my head around what he wants from life, he says he wants to settle down with someone but can he really do that?? He has a 5 year old child now and that is scary for me, i want so badly to have children of my own, but i have never really been around children and i dont know how to act, what if i make a fool out of myself, what if his son doesnt like me, will that be the end of it? I know that i would always have to come second aswell, but i dont think that bothers me, i dont want to get in the way tho and sometimes i think i do unintentionally as i have never had children i dont always think. I havent met his son and that doesnt help as i just see him as being him, not a father, will meeting his son change my view of him? So for the last 6 months we have been seeing each other and to me its like we are dating, we go do things together and have a laugh. But he says it isnt dating to him, so what is it? Does it all mean nothing? I feel so happy when I am with him but I have to hold back my feelings as they scare him and I can feel that he is holding back to so I guess that nothing we do is real, if it's not real what do I have? He is the complete opposite from my husband, he can and does do everything for himself, he can walk away and his life would not change and that scares me that it's so easy for him to do. He doesn't open up to me either and keeps so many secrets, I want to be part of his life but I don't know if he will always keep things from me, you don't need to hide things unless ur being unfaithful u should be able to share everything with your partner, not have to hide your phone etc. I am a jealous and suspicious person, I have a temper and bad mood swings, especially when it's my time of the month, but my partner would need to be able to cope with that, I can't change me, could he handle that? So this bloke says wants to date me (if i want - seriously couldnt he of sounded like he actually wanted me?). Can i end my marriage for just dating? He says he wont let himself love me (what does that mean?) coz i am married and he cant spend as much time with me as he wants. He keeps ending it and saying its coz he doesnt know if this can work as we tried 5 years ago, but he doesnt remember it, and that he doesnt want to share me. How do i know he wudnt keep doing the same thing if we were together? But he keeps coming back and so do i, i feel i cant lose him again!! i am scared if i end my marriage that i will regret it and i dont want to hurt my husband. i honestly dont know if he hadnt of come back, if i would be feeling this way about my marriage, i dont know if its coz he is there giving me all this affection that i have realised that i am missing it from my marriage or coz i want to be with him or both!?! All i know is that my marriage will never be the same now as i know whats missing from it. I feel i can only end my marriage if this other bloke loves me, but i know he will never let himself while i am married (or is it just that he will never love me?). If i end my marriage i will lose everything including a place to live, it will be hard but i know i could do it. But is it worth it? Should i really give everything up for someone who doesnt love me? Someone who has left me broken hearted before? Am i just being stupid and caught up in some lust thing, or could this actually work? and why cant he just be loving towards me like he was before, is it coz he isnt like that anymore or is it just the situation? I want him to send me flowers coz he wants to show his love, I want him to tell me and show me he wants me, that he is gonna fight to have me. I want him to tell me he loves me but I know he doesnt. I wish i knew what he was thinking. Does he really think we can give this a go or is it not that serious for him? If he isnt 100% sure i wish he could just let me go, for my sake. But i pray he doesn't! Its gotten so bad now that i am not eating or sleeping and i am crying as i just dont know what to do. Where do i go from here?