Is He Right?

Ok I am going to try and not make this to long of a post. Ive been with my fiance for about 12 years, we met and fooled around a couple years before but moved in with each other and became a couple 12 years ago, i was pregnant at the time with a different mans baby (i was 19 and my fiance 28 at the time). In the begining things were really good he was a bit of a drinker but never got out of hand until 3 years in after we had our first child together. He din't beat me but he became very verbally abusive, he was a stay at home dad and i worked full time i would come home from work and nothing in the house was done kids were always taken care of hes a good dad but the house was a mess dishes piled u and no dinner taken out or made i got home about 6 every night. well i dealt with it for a long time and just kept my mouth closed when he went into his screaming rages (after kids went to bed) 3 or 4 times a week it got to, until i finally desided to speek up for myself and it became a huge battle throwing things and alot of stuff was broken. When our daughter was about a year a neighbor ended up calling the cops because he swong a golg club at the door with me next to it well he went to jail for about 5 months. I told him to come home when he got out, he still drank sometimes but things were really good again for awhile he appologized alot for everything. 4 years later i caught him doing crack one night ( my parents were crackheads i dispize crack) and we ended up getting into a HUGE fight he put his arm through the front door blood was everywhere and he choked the hell out of me and for the first time my oldest child senn it all i kicked him out. the next morning my son who had seen it at 4 years old said mommy do you want me to hate daddy still to this day writng that brings tears to my eyes. He was gone for around 6 months i was so happy, he still came to see the kids all the time. On my birthday he offered to watch the kids for me when i went to work so i didnt have to pay a baby sitter i let him. When i got home that night he had written me a semi long letter appologizing for everything he had done and literaly begged on his hands and knees for me to take him back all while crying (he never cries) i said no and had no best friends husband take him home i cried for hours with my best friend i wanted him to come home.. I let him back a week later again it was perfect we had another child and i stopped working about a 2 years after he was born. Ok i'm not a perfcet person never said i was, my oldest did see his father atleast once a month i did talk to him all the time about our son ok well when his grama died i now realize it was the stupidest thing ive ever done but we had him come stay with us for about six months he paid rent and helped with bills. Yes all three of us were living together. I or my fiance would take him to and from work and he kept our tank full it was going really good he stayed in his room pretty much all day and after work they would hang out and drink a few and that was the norm, oh he was a gamer my fiance is not so we would all sit in the living romm and the 2 of us woud play game for a bit. Well the new years night we all drank and played dart for hours well they desided to go up to our nieghbors at 2 am and see if he wanted to smoke with them he had a newborn he wasnt happy. My ex went back down stairs before my fiance and the nieghbor ended up yelling at him to get the hell out by the time we came back down my ex was already passed out and my fiance was pissed so went in the bedroom and slammed the door so i sat down in the living room my fiance came out screaming that all i wanted was my ex and that hiself was nothing but shit well it ended up being a fight my fiance attacked my ex and all my ex kept saying is were cool werecool just chill the nieghbor came down and got my fiance off of him and i wen to see if he was ok and he punched me in the face my ex was enraged grabbed me and threw me in the other room and said stay here he will never ever touch you like that agin and then went after him. Well the cops were called i dont know by who but my fiance went to jail and the state pressed charges agianst him because i had a busted lip. he only spent 2 weeks in jail but there was and order of protection (still in effect dropped to partail) in effct so he stayed at his aunts till it was lowered and i was home with the kids and my ex i know a set up for disaster right well nothing changed he still stayed in his room most the time and i snuck over to see my fiance. My fiance came back home after the order was lessened and shortly after my ex moved out. Well my neighbors ex like 5 months later desided to start some bull and told my fiance that i had slept with my ex while he was in jail she said she had her ear to the floor and heard us???? its a lie well he didnt beleive me and still doesnt he is back to drinking every day after work and he is more than ever verbaly abbusive. I quit smoking well we quit together but i stuck to it i no longer smoke cigs anymore and he does i dont realy care but theres no smoking in the house anymore well hes not suposed to he sneeks in the bedromm and smokes and omg does it smell but i keep quiet i just spray and it pisses him off he tells me that if i quit eating he'll quit smoking, yes im a big girl but i gained 30 when i quit smoking he always tells me im lazy im a bad mom im a bitch but i dont believe i am yes i do hve anxiety my fiance likes to sing everything he does sounds cute? no if he cooking cleaning and even talking to me he is singing it and it drives me crazy if he were to sing a song it wouldnt be so bad but he'll come to me and sing * have you seen it tell me have you seen my shoes* thats just one example so i ask him please just please talk to me and it starts a fight then other times i wont say anything and just try and smile threw it and then its still a fight because im doing it in spite. He wanted me to do more organizing (5people in a small house no closets) so i try and find something to organize everyday hes at work (he works fulltime now) i clean everyday he works i make all the meals i do all the cleaning i just dont do his laundry but i do everything eles i even make his lunches and stuff for work> I wait on the porch for him to come home every day and i feel realy happy to see him i feel the little butterflies that is until he get home and he just bitches about his job which i sit and listen to everyday and then he starts in on me because the oldest child is odd which makes him act out in school and my fiance blames me saying that i dont do anything my son has no toys no games and no snacks what eles can i do????? i talk to him all the time about his behavior... OK sorry i got really long i would just like some advice i really really love my fiance, i would just like to be happy thats it right now threre pretty much always tension in the air. What do I do????????

I think you should not be with him anymore. Usually, people who are abusive or practice domestic violence is because when they were younger they experienced abuse, well most of the time anyway. It's better to have no father for a child than an abusive one. He might not hit the kids, but when children see a father hitting a mother, they either react in two ways when they grow older. One, they do the same exact thing or two, they try to do the opposite. However, most of the time, when children don't have a good fatherly figure they do not become good fathers themselves. Kids are not as ignorant as you think. Kids know when their mother is being hurt and abused even though you might try their best to hide it or cover it up with nice memories such as playing games together. Yes you might love this man, but you can never love a woman and hit her at the same time. It doesn't work like that. Obviously this man does not truly love you because he probably does not know what true love is. I feel that, and I MAY BE WRONG, he is only with you for a sense of security. He knows that no one is going to accept him for who he is because he is this angry person and he always comes back to you because you are the only one naive enough to take him back and think he might be better this time around. If you truly loved your man, you should end it so he realizes that his method of loving is wrong and in the future he might truly figure out how to love another human being and himself.