Should we make the move?

SISSIE - Oct 2 2013 at 18:29

Member since Sep 2013

Hello, I am in a pretty good relationship. Within just the first year, we had some crazy bumps, but it's gotten better. He is older than me and had more experience. He'd also been dating in a very superficial way and spent a lot of time alone before me. It seemed he'd forgotten (or possibly, never learned) how to build a healthy, secure relationship with anyone, and wondered why he failed at them so often. Well, I gave him a piece of my mind after we initially struggled through a lot of things. I don't think anyone else had done it quite like I did, but I'm glad I said something. My perspective with relationships was being open, friendly, communicating well, caring about the other person's needs always as well as your own, and based upon honesty and loyalty. His main problem was being incredibly aloof and acting very selfishly at first. I had a child; I'd been through a lot of difficult things in my past (in fact, my past is defined by nothing but trauma and abuse) and was, once again, trying to piece my life back together when we met. We had an awkward 'friendship' of sorts for months before we were dating. We were in the same band (he was kind of the leader) and he called me often. Though I didn't feel so comfortable with it all the time, I answered the calls and talked to him. In his mind, he'd thought we were already great friends or something, but he was very insensitive and not a good supportive friend at all when we were in this stage. One thing led to another, and since I struggled so much with standing up to people who were selfish in their ways and speaking for myself, I didn't put off his advances. He'd had me in a state of fear about rejecting him - I'd dealt with this kind of personality before, and it meant being ostracized and given absolute hell just for making a choice to put up healthy boundaries. We started our relationship badly. I felt raped after his advances took place. I ended up having to get plan b after having unprotected sex. It was very traumatizing. I struggled under the weight of his passive aggressive control and aloof behavior that made me feel alone and depressed often. One day, over the phone, I started telling him how wrong all the things he did were. I told him how I'd felt. At first, he was reactive and non-supportive, mostly, just as I'd suspected. But as I talked about it more, he began to listen. I don't know why I've stayed with him up to this point except for the fact that I have been struggling with self acceptance after body changes took place during my pregnancy (my child is now almost 2) and trying to heal after spending four years in a codependent relationship with a drug and alcohol addict and verbal abuser. We've spoken very, very openly about all of these things since then. For about the past 8 months of our relationship that's been going on for over a year now, we've been talking about everything and addressing issues. Unfortunately, I learned he'd given me HV1 and I was so disgusted, shocked, and saddened by it. How could someone older than me, with more sexual experience, be so careless as not to find out if his sexual health was tip top and properly inform his partners of that? He's been helpful about it since then, and apologetic. At times, I feel like he's dragging his feet and resorting to immature responses, but he's gotten incredibly better at listening when I bring up details of the trauma and address present problems. he knows that at a time I needed more support and acceptance in my life, he was a source of hell for me. I still struggle with wondering whether or not I'm with him because I'm lonely and struggling with my confidence. I've gotten better and now speak up for myself. he's also surprised me with how much he's started to support me in my most difficult and heavy struggles, which have been a reality for me for a long time. most people have to worry about the simple things. I've always been in incredibly compromising and awful conditions. Now, it seems like he understands. I took on a job with a family member of his (another binding thing that left me feeling helpless to his control once upon a time) where the person I worked for ended up being verbally abusive and controlling towards me. It's gotten worse, and due to a lack of financial resources (I am a single parent lacking college education, family/friends' support, and I get by with about 300 dollars per month by singing at music shows and babysitting jobs) I am going to have to make some difficult choices regarding moving so my baby and I can be out of harm's way of this abuse. I have an option to live with my ex's mom (the ex who is the father of my child and struggling with addiction issues, but working in another state and may start sending child support.) It will be hard, and I don't know if her husband will start being spiteful towards me, but I do know that it is mostly a quieter place with less insanity in and out of it than my own mother's house. There is no verbal child abuse/physical abuse going on in my ex's mom's house. Also, my boyfriend's parents have offered to let my son and I stay there for a while. I don't know how they really feel like that or how long they'd be willing to help. It's not an option to go to a shelter and I have too many personal belongings to do that. I have applied for housing assistance here, but waiting lists are 6 months or longer for a place (thank you government, for that.). It would be nice to have a place to breathe and gather up myself for a while and not have to live like you're a house of cards, and one little blow can send the whole thing crashing down. My boyfriend says there is a job opportunity where he lives (it is across staate lines in a different town, so things will change but that might be a good change of scenery) where I'll be making around 500-600 per month on top of whatever I might make if I babysit and add in music gigs. He has good financial resources, a steady income, a house, and a reliable car. Hell if I make the choice to live with him and stay with him, though, if I'm not happy and loving him. So far, he's shown so much more support. Last night, he openly said he feels a need to help care for us. I know I can always fall back and go to my ex's mom's if things fall apart with us. I am thinking it may be a good idea to put the housing application in (just in case) and go to my boyfriend's to try things out. I told him he needed to be mindful of what he was dealing with - and that my past and circumstances were something to be treated delicately, that I needed some true and honest support deep down from him with those things. He sounds willing to try to be understanding and helpful without doing things that make me feel bound there, and he has done a lot to try and be more supportive, be apologetic about past wrongdoings, and stop being so aloof and make me feel like I'm alone when someone's next to me. I feel like we aren't 100 percent there; he knows that and I know that. The thing is, I know my son's gotten more attached to him, and that my bf feels like he can father him and would like to try and take on some responsibility. I am worried that if we go live with him, I could be making a mistake not just at my expense, but at that of my child. I feel like maybe I'll know after the waiting period for housing is up whether or not it is a good choice. Since I have a job waiting for me there and he is willing to provide, is it really all that bad of an idea to try to take another step in our relationship and try living together because it will not only help me right now, but help us see if this whole thing is a good idea at all. Should we do it? Or live at my ex's mom's house?(and maybe not at my bf's mom's house bc they might pressure us to stay together even if we shouldn't. however, they might still be willing to help even if we don't stay together.)