Marriage or divorce? That is the question

I met met the man who would be my husband two months after leaving the father of my son. I had just turned 21 years old. He was 28. I was still in the vulnerable break up stage and my husband, we'll call him Scott, was an absolute gentleman. He did everything he could to keep my mind off of my ex. He took me out, we had awesome dates, and we connected on a level that was completely different and unexpected for me. I never thought I could love someone other than my sons father. It took almost a year and a half of dating, but I was finally able to let my ex go. Scott had shown me that there were men in the world who could and would treat a woman the way they deserved. He was patient and kind, he was understanding and loving. I was finally over my ex. The basis for our relationship was one based on time and understanding. Whereas with my sons father it was head over heels "love at first sight." The love I had for Scott was so new and unexpected for me. He spent almost two years building a love and a trust that would come to be my world. Yes we had our tiffs and no we weren't perfect. I don't want this to seem like the fairy tale relationship, but it was damn near close. About two years into our relationship Scott's ex took out child support on him. At over $1,000.00 a month this made it almost impossible for him to pay his mortgage. His house went into foreclosure and he moved in with me. Around this time he lost his job and I continued to support him. Scott and I had always been a very active couple. We liked to go out and drink and dance and play pool. We liked to have a good time. Scott got a job and started working. About 6 months into his new job, his ex decided that she couldn't deal with being a single mother anymore and dropped his two children off on our doorstep. For the next two years I took over mommy role, girlfriend role, bread winner role and most responsibilities that married women have. Scott wasn't bringing home much (he was ultimately too lazy to take his ex to court for child support and continued to pay his because she had given us the child support card and the money was coming back to us anyway. I lost the urge to fight about it.) Scott was still paying on the second mortgage for his house that had been foreclosed on because his parents had signed onto the second mortgage and if he didn't pay it it would fall back on them and they couldn't afford it and would lose their house also. So while be brought home $200.00 a week I continued to be the breadwinner and pay the bills and take care of his children. We moved into a new house into our fourth year and soon after the children's mother decided that she wanted to be a parent again. She came and took the kids and there was nothing we could do about it because Scott had never taken her to court for custody or child support and as far as the system was concerned she was still the custodial parent. One year later she moved to Mississippi with the kids and her new boyfriend she had met on the internet. Scott was crushed but I told him to wait, that it wouldn't take long before she couldn't do it anymore. Three weeks into the move she called saying that her new boyfriend couldn't deal with the kids and could we please come and get them. Scott had gotten a DUI by this time and had no license so I drove him and I 16 hours to pick his kids up. We brought them home to their bedroom we had made up for them and continued to have them for another two years. (Within 6 months she had dumped the boyfriend and moved back home although she never asked for the kids back.) As far as I was concerned, these babies were MINE. I had raised them for most of their lives. They didn't cry for their mother anymore and it was me who took them to doctors appointments, teacher conferences and it was ME who rocked them to sleep when they had nightmares. Finally after almost 7 years of dating Scott and I got married. Now mind you, we had had our fair share of problems. While over the years my urge to drink and parts had significantly decreased, Scott's had seemed to increase. Like he was chasing his younger years and was scared to let them escape and grow up. I had begged him for years to slow down, let's be a family, let's straighten up and do better for ourselves. I had begged him to get a second job to bring home more money and to be able to help with the bills more. He always said that he would, but never did. Scott also had a secret cocaine problem. No he didn't do it 24/7 but he would do it occasionally behind my back or when we would fight. He was VERY good about hiding it and it was almost impossible for me to catch him. After we got married, things seemed to get worse. The drinking got heavier, our fighting grew worse, my resentment towards him grew and grew. He told me all I did was bitch and nag and try to change him. I told him all he did was drink and throw all of our responsibilities onto my shoulders. His ex came and took the kids back. Again. But this time it left my heart broken and all I could do was cry. I missed my babies. But as I was not an actual "parent" by law, I had no right to pursue custody and Scott was always to broke to bother. Now don't get me wrong, he loved his kids. He was a great dad when he was sober enough to pay them attention. He wasn't a "mean drunk" by any means. He was just a stupid drunk that did stupid shit and embarrassed himself over and over, all the while never being able to realize it. Scott had a good friend that I worked with, we'll call him Phillip. I had seen Phillips relationships rise and fall, I had seen him at his best and at his worst and vice versa. I talked to him about Scott because they were friends and I thought he could give me good insight and advice about my situation. And for a long time he did. Phillip went from being a mutual friend, to a best friend. Bad idea. After about a year of being married and continously begging my husband to curb his drinking and help more with bills and to just FINISH one thing that he started, we got into an argument one night. I went out drinking with a friend and ran into Phillip. You can guess where this goes from here. Yes I cheated. I went home the next day and immediately told my husband. I begged for forgiveness and begged him to stay. He did. For the next two months I was berated, talked down to, called names and treated like utter shit. I took full responsibility for the mistake that I had made but I also wanted my husband to see the part that he too had played in it. No it was not entirely his fault, I am FAR from perfect, but I thought if he could just SEE how his drinking and negativity and laziness had helped to drive me to this point, that maybe he could work on HIM while I worked on ME. He refused to see. And in my most shameful moment, after two months, I continued the affair. My husband found out and moved out. Where did he move to? In with my mother and step father. My step father is already an alcoholic and my mother has tried hard for years to curb his habits and settle him down. Scott brought all of his short comings and drinking to the surface. But we won't get into that scenario. My husband refused to change. Phillip was wonderful. He had known my husband longer than I and he refused to take sides or try to make me divorce my husband. He just wanted to spend time with me and try to make me happy while I dealt with the disaster that had suddenly become my life. I don't think that I have really made it clear exactly what my relationship was like with my husband before or after we were married, so let me try to reiterate that now. There is a connection between my husband and I that defies all logic. There is a physical chord tying us together and I can literally feel it with every breath I take. We are two souls sharing one body. I don't know what God was thinking when he created two people with one heart and threw them down here and said "Find one another and figure it out!" But we have found one another, we're just still trying to "figure it out." The thought of a life or a world, where my husband doesn't exist is unbearable. Letting him go completely would be the equivalent of literally cutting my own heart from my chest. He is my best friend. He knows every secret, every detail, every freckle, every short coming. He knows every gross habit, every bad dream, every fault and every positive that is me....and he loves me despite all of that. The same goes for him. I don't care what this man does to me....I would die for him in a second if it meant he had one more day on this earth. We fight and we laugh we cry and we kiss, we yell and we scream, we can go to bed mad but we wake up tangled like we're one person and there is not a thing in this world that I would not do or sacrifice for this man. He completes me. But at the same time he is no good for me. He refuses to get a second job, to finish anything he starts, to curb his drinking or to grow up just a little bit. He is 35 years old now and lives and acts like he is 18. I am still seeing Phillip, my husband still lives the next county over with my mother and stepfather, creating turmoil and chaos in their household. Phillip loves me and wants me to be happy, no matter what that takes. He's here for me when I'm sad, when I miss my husband, when I fight with my husband. I have told my husband over and over again "Just grow up, stop drinking, be responsible and COME HOME." He says that this home is not "ours" and that he will only work things out with me if I move somewhere else. With him. He tells me my cell phone access will be limited to him and work only. That I cannot go anywhere without him and that I had better "walk on eggshells" around him. He says that he will never trust me again and that he will not conform, he will not stop drinking and he will not stop "having fun." I'm so completely lost. I don't know what to do. I can't just move. We have a mortgage. I can't just uproot and leave. I have a son who loves his school and his family and I cannot just uproot him from all of that. Uproot him to live in some shitty trailer with a man who dictates my every move and drinks every day? I know that I will be just as unhappy and resentful as I was before I cheated and that's not what I want. I want us to WORK on our problems and become BETTER, TOGETHER. I feel like my husband just uses not wanting to move home as an unreasonable request because he knows that I will not move and this in turn allows him to stay where he is and to continue living the same lifestyle (yes he has a woman that he is sleeping with that "helps him forget" as he puts it.) Phillip is a good man. He has a good job. He is responsible and kind and has his shit together. But no matter how good he is to me, no matter how far out of his way he goes to make me feel better or to show me he cares....I just can't get my husband out of my head. My husband tells me over and over again that he does not want a divorce, that he doesn't care if it takes years, eventually he wants things to work out between him and I because he will never love anyone else and he will never marry again. I'm so confused and hurt. I have no idea how to handle the situation that I've put myself in. I know that had my husband never come into my life that I could be happy with Phillip and we would have a good life together. But that's not the case and my husband is always there in the back of my mind. Lingering. I know that to let him go means a part of me will die. I will never "run right" again. I will always be damaged. But living the way I am now, hurting so bad that I find myself in the fetal position in bed begging God to make it stop hurting....that's no life either. I have to make a choice and I have no idea which one is the right one. I know I'm not perfect, I know that I have made mistakes and I know that I am the one that started this God awful snowball rolling down the never ending mountain of pain, but I don't know how to stop it....I love my husband, I miss my husband. It kills me to know the potential that he has and to also see him completely ignore it and throw his life away to alcohol and partying because it's the more "fun" thing to do. When he gets his kids on the weekends now, they instantly go to the babysitters house and he spends very little time with them. He stays drunk and he stays belligerent and I get nice texts and calls when he's sober or hurting or missing me, but when he's drunk or doesn't have his girl to keep him company, I get the most hateful texts and calls you can imagine....I just want my family back and I want my husband to grow up.

Utterly: The emotional tie albiet a strong one, is no excuse to put yourself and your son through hell. he was partying with you and he is doing the same without you. If he truly loved you he would have forgave you a long time ago and straightened himself out. Tell your Mother to kick him out. She is an enabler. Come to grips with reality. You can have happiness with someone else and hang on to fond memories. He will remain in your heart but the space he occupies will gradually diminish. Forgive yourself and move on! Good Luck!