Broken heart... broken home

I will start by apologizing for necessary length of my situation. First of all, I have been married to a special woman for 23 years who I do truly love. That being said the problem I am discussing rests squarely on my shoulders. Back in the late 60's kids were never diagnosed with ADHD or ADD which I state merely as a fact not an excuse although I am rather convinced I have both. Through our 23 years of marriage she has been terrific as both a wife and Mother. Our boys, 17 & 21, are great and that is mostly thanks to her. She gave them all the attention they needed growing up along with some help from me. Now to the root of the problem, throughout most of our marriage I have alway been restless, distracted, selfish and somewhat irresponsible. I had times when I acted compulsively or impulsively whether it involved porn or gambling, alcohol or other distractions. I would sometimes have a wandering eye even in my wifes presence with no malicious intent just "checking out" the girls. These things all filled my head and got in the way of doing the right thing or making the right decisions. Making love was always pretty good but, again my head would get in the way and prevent us from having the true passionate experiences that we both longed for. These issues with me did exist before meeting my wife and we only dated for a short while before getting married. What failed me all these years was the failure to fully recognize the depth of these issues and most importantly failed to communicate properly with my wife. It was no failure on her part just my own mind thinking that I can resolve and overcome these issues on my own and to involve her would make me less of a man which I now realize is quite the opposite. Communication IS the very foundation on which a strong relationship is built. Needless to say it has caused quite a rift in our marriage and to make matters worse I stepped out on her with my assistant who was going through troubles of her own. I have a small office that was extremely busy for the past few years and could not function without this important assistant so I could not simply let her go in November of last year when my wife had asked me to and where my head was at wouldn't allow me to do it anyway. My assistant and I had ultimately agreed to keep business business and to focus on each others relationships as we felt it was the right thing to do and at least in my case it was where my heart was. I had lunch with her a few times which meant nothing and beer once all in non-intimate establishments. Keep in mind throughout all of this I had never dealt with the long standing issues in my head. It was not as simple as the little head doing the thinking for the big head. The tension still was there in May and my wife and I separated in June. What has been difficult was the litany of questions from her and the fact that I did not want to answer them only because it was painful and I did not want her to be hurt any further. I felt it wouldonly furhter damage our relationship. Being alone after a while and realizing the emptiness I felt, I started to look inward and more or less rehash my entire life. The mistakes I made weighed heavily on me and I finally decided to seek help to eliminate the impulses that so deeply impacted my relationship with my wife and kids. I sought some couseling and became more active in charitable work all the while sharing my efforts with my wife. I did ultimately terminate my assistant despite the fact that working alone on top of living alone would be emotionally challenging. I am now truly committed to trying to salvage the marriage and give my wife all the absolute love, attention and solid communication that she deserves. I will never allow my self to lose focus and take a single step backwards. My wife is a person who gives a lot of herself and asks for little in return. I want to be that special person she deserves and can be proud of as well as be able to set a good example for my boys. I once questioned whether I knew what love is and whether I loved my wife. The question was answered when I was alone and had time to think about all I had taken for granted or ignored. My question to the forum is what can I do to convince my wife that I am sincere and committed to change? How do I get her to trust me again besides including her in everything and communicating better? Is there any hope? I apologize for the length and thank you in advance for the feedback

Hi golfnut, Keep doing what you are doing. As you say it takes a real man to acknowledge this in oneself and to act on it. Comms, trust, love, support, honesty, all important in any relationship. what does your wife have to say? is she supporting you? have you discussed getting back together?

New start, Thanks for the support! She at first was hung up on the specifics of what went on with my assistant instead of undertstanding that I want to work on tomorrow not discuss that part of my past. What questions I did answer were only turned on me and I was chastised for telling her only bits and pieces whereby she came to her own conclusions and I was accused of lying. I truthfully cannot remember any of the conversations with her because they were too stress ful and too painful. She says "how can I trust a man who has lied to me". We have discussed getting back together and the Deacon at our church, who is a wonderful counselor, wants to work with both of us. He comes from experience whereas neither of us has ever had to deal with something like this. It is my hope that once we take that step she will support me and see that I am sincere.

hi golfnut. I went thru a similar situation with my husband, and although it took him awhile to do so, he did tell me what happened between him and his coworker. have you sat down with your wife and told her what happened between your assistant and you? im sure she already knows, and doesn't need details, but to have you be honest and confirm or correct and reassure her and understand how she is feeling would mean a lot to her and help to control what im sure is going thru her head. it took two weeks for my husband to talk to me after i found out and this communication and his respectful honesty is what saved our marriage. i hope my advise helps and i wish you luck

I tried to discuss in bits and pieces but, it is very apparent that continued conversation about this issue only makes things worse. I hate every time the conversation comes up as it just creates further tension. It is not as simple as you make it seem. I would prefer that the focus be on tomorrow and not the past as nothing can be done about that.