Ex family issues

My new husband has always attended his adult children's events which also have his ex wife present. This is not an issue for me, I am ok with it, after all they were married 28 years, the relationship ended 8 years ago and I met him about 18 months ago on line, he had been alone for 7 years, they broke up because she had an affair and he did not want to stay in the marriage, however she did. This is a really big family and all the cousins,Aunts, uncles ,grandparents attend, this is his ex wife's family, all his family members live interstate, the issue is she is very rude to me , not to her ex husband and does this when he is not around to witness it. I notice she intimidates everyone else in the family as she causes them trouble if they do not side with her and ignore me,however when she is not there they are all very friendly. The last time we were at a function, the spitefulness and rudeness was escalated to the point I felt embarressed for others who were present. I felt compelled to tell my husband later that I decided my husband was welcome to go to the family events but I would no longer attend as I felt that I did not want others to feel awkward or walking on eggshells and I worried that she would actually start an argument with me as her behaviour towards me seemed to be getting worse, and I knew if he saw it had the potential of becoming ugly. He was shocked and decided he would not go either, his adult children although they understand after he made his decision, are now cold towards me, they believe I have stopped him attending even though he told them this was his decision,. I feel dreadful and do not know how to handle this, as I have never been in this situation, and feel now that perhaps I should go and just put up with it, but it is really spiteful and affects not just me but everyone there. Basically I feel guilty about all this because it is because of me that the family feels that everything has changed, my husband has decided not to go for xmas or birthdays, but we would see the children separately. The other family members he decided can decide for themselves if they want to see us, but he understands that if they do not it is simply because they do not want to upset his ex wife who is very spiteful and they say she would make their life hell? anyway your thoughts?

if I was in your place i wouldn't stop going, because that is exactly what she wants so don't make her feel like she won you have to go back to attending these functions with your husband, and if you want to get her frustrated, no matter what she does stay calm ignore her and never let your smile leave your face. it is the same concept as ignoring a child she will be so frustrated that you might actually see smoke coming out of her ears :P wish you best of luck and hope my advice works :D

Thanks for your feed back Eliza165616, I do agree with you and if it was just affecting me I would probably go only if it meant something to my husband he could not care less, I am concerned that everyone else is on egg shells and this is her immediate family not his, she is very explosive and I feel it is not worth the angst it creates. My husband also does not care for the hassle this all creates and he only went because of the convenience of being with the kids, but they are adults and now they can organise themselves to visit him and me separately from this side of the family. It would have been easier if it was pleasant but it really is not, and we have much better things to do than waste time trying not to upset everyone, also it amazes me how everyone has not got any backbone to ignore her and do as they will, instead of stressing out whether to be polite to me or not, i find it kinda sad, I was just being polite as I am new to this, and I decided I do not want to be part of it ever, very toxic, i do not feel she has won anything, as she has no audience, we are not there.