He pushed me away for good

I had been on and off with this guy for the past 1 1/2. I will call him J. We met online and things just naturally progressed into a relationship. We developed feelings for each other and it was the most intense emotional affair I had ever been in. Anyway we had our issues in the beginning, I always had my walls up, not letting him in, due to psychological issues I endured in the past. My mind always overrode my heart so to speak. So naturally I doubted us and whether what we felt was all just an illusion or real. I broke up with him in Jan 2013 for putting me on a such a guilt trip, he had surgery and he wanted me to be here for him. I tried to and could have done better but the the trip he put me on only pushed me away. So all of this made me flighty with him, it wasn't a game I was playing. It was out of fear. He knew this, and we had discussed it. We went a few days w/o talking, and remain in contact via email. We went into depth in the emails and explained where we were coming from. Then we started talking again, and before we knew it, we picked up where we left off. A few months later, he breaks up with me. I didn't know we were back together but emotionally we were always tied to each other. Again we remained in contact but it wasn't the same. We both kept our distance. A few months ago, he moved to my state- for work. We met for the first time, and it was a nice casual day together, getting familiar in person. No flirting or anything of that sort. Then we met for the 2nd time and again it was casual, watched sports, munched on food. The conversation remained casual. So afterwards I naturally questioned where we stood. I emailed him and said that I was open to exploring things again and that it'll be different this time- since we could be like a normal couple. He never responded. So then I asked him if we were in he friend zone- I couldn't help but felt that we were. Again, no response. I wasn't sure where his head was at at the time, but he evaded this questions like the plaque. A week or two later, I find that he's in a dark depressive state, missing his friends and kids- they live out of state. There was nothing I could do to cheer him up. He said that he and I used to be close. I said yes we were but that's possible again. So a few days later he leaves for a business trip, he told me that he would be gone for two weeks, that we could get together again after he got back. Well that's when things fell apart. While he was gone I was going through a traumatic crisis with a best friend. I thought by telling J what I was going through, it'd allow us to reconnect. My email left me very exposed, I let him see my vulnerability yet he didn't acknowledge it at all. I felt unwanted, neglected, and as if I meant nothing to him. All I wanted were a few kind words of encouragement, that things would be ok. He used to be so good with that. So this put me through an emotional ringer, I was all over the place. I couldn't control myself, and I emailed him again, told him I felt he wasn't being there for me. He replied, said he wasn't ignoring me, just that work was crazy busy and lastly told me that his daughter was sick. That put me on a guilt trip. Who am I to cry about my problems when he was stressed about his sick daughter. Then again he never told me until the last second. So I emailed him to apologize for my behavior and that I was sorry his daughter was sick, and to keep me updated. So when he got back - that week we remained in contact via text, mainly about his daughter. After we got word that it was minor- something she'll grow out of, that's when the communication stopped. It was as if he was doing a push/pull thing with me which is manipulation. I didn't understand why he was doing this. In his last email, he said that I was still important to him. So I replied one last time because we hadn't been in contact. I asked him if he wanted to push me out of his life for good, if he wanted it to be as if I don't exist. And I told him how I felt. Again no response. So like a desperate school girl, I tried one last time. I wasn't going to go w/o a fight. I texted him to see if he'd tell me the truth. He replied. Said no that's not it at all, that he needed to "heal" see his friends and kids. Said because I had been flighty in the past- that he can't trust me. - B.S. excuse, again manipulation. He assumed I wanted to jump all in, and when he wasn't that I got too emotional. While yes I couldn't control my emotions but no I didn't want to get back together with him yet. I just didn't want him to leave. Well the last thing he said to me was " JUST BREATHE". We didn't leave things off on a bad note, but he knew I'm the type of person who needs closure. Yet he leaves with so many questions unanswered, and unfinished business. I want to so badly text him or email him but I can't. I don't want to look desperate. I don't know if he left me to heal and move on or if this is a if you love something you set it free. Sometimes I feel because of the way he treated me, that he never loved me at all. The last thing he has made me felt was that I was nothing to him. Important? Pfft. I don't know what to do. Any suggestions ?

Maybe he is the one with psychological issues. have you ever heard of sociopaths? They victimize people and basically torture them for no reason but their own twisted satisfaction. you should Google it and.see if he fits the profile. they don't stop ever and they are very intelligent, manipulative and charming. they will have you believing anything in no time but they are usually doing the same thing to others as they are to you. id stay away but good luck to you