Death wish

This is going to be a hell of a long story so please, please be patient because I have reached a dead end and death seems to be the only solution at this point. I had a rough childhood. I was sexually abused by 2 people at a very young age. I was a witness to mom being physically and verbally abused by my dad who was an alcoholic with major anger issues. I never felt safe anywhere at all. After a few failed relationships where I was either physically or emotionally or mentally abused, I decided that being single was the best option until I met my first husband. He was 17 years older than I was but he was so loving and caring. The only problem we had at that point was intimacy. Of course, since I was naive and stupid, I left him. Soon after that, I married again a few months after my divorce and 4 months after I got together with my husband now. At the beginning, things were so nice and magical. He was my high school crush and it felt like destiny had brought us together. He too was divorced and I took that as a sign that we were meant to be. We were both 30, he is only a few months older. He really wanted a child before he turned 30 and I wanted to give him that since his ex was not able to and since he made it seem like he was going to be the perrrrfect husband and father. This was not the case. I am a smoker and I had to quit smoking cold turkey as soon as I discovered that I was pregnant. That plus the pregnancy hormones made me crazy but his abuse was not helping at all. He would say things to me that made me feel so worthless and I would lose it. At some point, I wanted to get an abortion thinking: this man is not right for me and I should not have a baby with him. But he threatened to leave me and hate me if I do, so I didn't. All throughout the pregnancy things were getting worse and the fact that he is too attached to his mom, brother and cousin did not help at all. He would always put them first, whether it was a vacation or anything else. We also live right across from his brother and cousin while his mom lives downstairs with her grandson (from her deceased daughter). I went to therapy until 2 weeks before I gave birth, it was the only thing that kept me sane. Apart from all his broken promises, I chose to stay and wait it out. The first 2 months after I gave birth were hell. He would leave the house to go to his office (a business which he owns) just to run away from our son. Then he started arguing with me about him going to the gym. I know these seem so stupid now but at that time they felt like he was abandoning me. Anyway, we had a few big fights and I hit him on his shoulders and arms a couple of times when he messed up my wheels or when he broke things around the house. A few months ago, he was drunk and threw me across the hall and I landed on my back and couldn't walk for a few days. A while after that he went crazy and beat me up for 45 minutes straight in front of his cowardly cousin who just stood there. Please note that I am forced to spend time with this cousin on every family obligation (I can't even look him in the face!!) My son is 11 months now and my husband barely spends any time with him, or me. When he is at home, he drinks, he passes judgments on how I raise my son and he just makes me feel like shit. When we are out, his mother says passive aggressive remarks and makes me feel like shit. If I reply, I am a bitch. If I stay quiet, I am rude. If I cry, I am an embarrassment. We have been going to therapy for the past month but he thinks that I am going because I need someone to take decisions on my behalf (i.e, the therapist) and he is going to prove that I am wrong and he is right. It is worth mentioning that his exwife and him went to therapy and it was a total waste of time and money. Now, I am scared shitless of him, I feel angry all the time and I feel trapped with no place to go. My mom works 18 hours a day to support my brother and herself since my dad is married and does not help her at all. A part of me just wants to leave him. But I don't want my son to grow up without a father. However, I think if he kills me, his family would be on his side covering it up. He is rich and has many connections and I am just trying to grow my little company and don't have the financial resources to fight him ( I spent all the money I saved the first year of marriage). I know I make mistakes and that I have said really hurtful things but I also know that I don't deserve this kind of treatment. His family fully depends on him and they talk about me behind my back and are always on his side. I can never leave my son behind although I think he is the only reason that my husband married me to begin with. I feel so trapped and I just hope that God could take me and get this over with. If you have any advice, please share it with me. This is my last resort.

get out of this mess..now..

Firstly, I'm so so sorry that you've had to go through all this in your life, especially as a child! You say you don't want your son to grow up without a father, but I think for your son to see you being mistreated by him would have a worse impact on him than growing up without him.. I know everyone is different but I, myself am a child of a woman who chose to leave her husband because of the way he was treating her. I witnessed only a little of it but that had affected me in many ways, for life, so am so glad she left him when she did as otherwise we both would've suffered much more. I haven't felt like I've missed out by not having my dad (only seeing him VERY ocassionally), because my mum was an amazing, loving parent, which was more than enough.. I'm sure you love your son and are a great mum too , and so I think you should do whatever you can to leave your partner and get the two of you (yourself and your son)out of this situation. Also, please be very careful about who you bring into your son's life (future new man) as you know yourself from experience that not everyone can be trusted around children.. I know you said your mum has too much on but this is the time she should be there for you so please turn to her, or other family/friends you trust, to help you. All the best of luck to you. I hope you will find your happiness.. P.S I think peace is underrated, and I think as long as you achieve a peaceful life with your son, you'll be happy.