Infidelity: the pain of too much trust

Too much of anything is not good. Push too hard and you push it over the edge; Procrastinate, and it never gets done. Wait too long and it will be gone forever; Be impatient, and it will be ruined before it matures. Hold too tight and it will be dead in your arms; Let loose, and you lose. Say too much and you can’t take it back; Say too little and there may never be another chance. Love too deep, and you drown; Love too little, and it becomes mediocre. Trust too much and be broken to pieces without warning; Trust too little and you have nothing to hold on to. ................................ These words become poetic by themselves. I really was not trying to write a poem. I am just trying to make sense of a really abrupt and extremely hurtful situation that I find myself in. My marriage is in shambles and my life has never lost meaning as it has now. I am in a dilemma. Everything I believed in is in question. Nothing will ever be the same again. I had the strongest kind of trust any human being could ever place on another. Now I have the most scarred trust. I have been such a fool. So much so that I truly believed that it was possible for a man to stay monogamous and faithful in extreme circumstances. One man today has proved to me that I was wrong. That he is just like any other man. That he is human and two years of physical separation was too much of an extreme. I pushed it too hard. I expected the impossible and now am sitting dealing with the dreadful outcome. After five years of being faithful while in long distance relation ship, my husband has now cheated on me. I found out yesterday. It is easy to blame him. In the first instances I did actually blame him because I reasoned, if I have managed to stay faithful so could he. I asked myself time and time again, if I had expected this. The answer remains no. I did not for one minute think this would actually happen to me. But it has and I don’t blame him now. I blame myself for believing it was impossible for him to do this to me. The utter trust I had, that this had no chance of happening, is what has brought all the pain. That type of trust, when it is betrayed, has the worst consequences than those experienced by someone who gave room for possibility. I never for one minute entertained the thought that this could happen. I am now an emotional mess because every fiber of my being hates what has happened. However, it has taught me a few lessons. As trying as this may be, I believe, this is also the time for me grow up and realize that no human being is perfect enough for you to give them your entire trust. Doubt them and they will disappoint you less. Trust them and they will betray you in the worst way possible. Infidelity is so common that the few people I have talked to tell me, ‘these things happen’ ‘It was bound to happen, you are physically separated’. What they haven’t realized is, I actually truly believed I was the exception. How lame huh? Lame, yes, but I have history that proves it. It was proven before, I don’t know why now. Is she special? I doubt. Or maybe she is. There is no other rational explanation. And to think that this actually happened few days before our anniversary makes it absolutely heart wrenching. Will I ever forgive him? Maybe I will forgive him for being human. I will never forgive myself for expecting more and I will never forgive him for letting me expect more. They say, ‘for better, for worse’ in marriage. I say there is no ‘for better’ for me right now. I believed in the fairytale that he actually married me for the sole and only reason of love for me. My version of ‘for worse’ meant dealing with other challenges that life threw at us. Challenges like sickness, financial difficulties, immigration issue, separation anxiety, fighting over which school was best for our child etc. It never crossed my mind ‘for worse’ would mean this. Our children complicate things more than I ever prepared for. Believe it or not, before this happened to me, I was the kind of person who harshly judged women who stay with an unfaithful man. I justified to myself that no matter how many children a couple had – even if 10 – it was never a good reason to stay together. For me, before this day, it was as simple as black and white. It was as simple as - we either Love each other or we don’t. There was no grey area. Children are now painting grey and I don’t know how to ignore the grey. I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me, or worry about me. I have been through worse shit but I just don’t know why this one feels like the turning point of my view on life, love and family. Suddenly I find myself only believing in one type of love; the love between a mother and her children. This is the only thing that feels real in a world full of fake. That may be the one thing that will get me out of this. If I die, - after all am human - then to my grave I will take the little memory I have of my beautiful babies. He gave me them and I will be eternally thankful to him for that.

you cant blame yourself because he cheated you both had the same condition,cheating has no excuse,trust is so fragile thing

Actually I don't blame myself. I realize my post sounded like I did, but I only blame my sheer depth of trust not myself. He abused that trust not me. I am thinking of divorce and I want to be absolutely sure before I file the papers. What makes it hard is the two little kids we have together, one of whom he hasn't even met in person only on Skype. We are living in two different continents and the future plan was to reunite April next year. But hey ho.