I think I am the most screwed up person ever!!!

I looked for this site originally because recently I have noticed how depressed I've been. I started suffering with panic attacks three and a half years ago, have developed a panic disorder in the last two years. I crave love and have never felt like I have it. I have serious abandonment issues and the lowest self esteem you could believe. I am 25 and have been in a gay relationship for 6 years now. My partner on the whole is a really nice person and as friends, conversationally we get along great and have enough in common to always have that flowing, but the love never seems there. Since the first year we got together I have felt taken advantage of. It started out that I would cook, clean, do laundry, sort pets, dust, mop, sweep, wash up and basically an all round skivvy for my partner who is two years older than me. All the while my partner gave me no attention other than a grunt from above some sort of electronic device ( games console, phone, ect) while I'd bring her dinner ect, but about two years into the relationship I ended up going out for a night out with some friends and after quite a few drinks and a lot of flattery later found myself kissing someone else. I didn't fancy the person I kissed but was so over the moon at the attention and overwhelmed at feeling good and being a liittle drunk, I just let it happen. As soon as I sobered up I felt instant guilt at my disloyalty and felt awful about how my partner would feel, as soon as I saw her, told her what had happened. As I said though, now we are 6 years into the relationship and she still hasn't told her parents she is gay let alone us being together. I have a feeling they know and know that its a difficult thing to do, to come out to your family but they are very loving and very liberal, the thing that upsets me most is at no point has she felt that i mattered enough to fight for me, knowing how being a part of something real means so much and having many teary talks. my feelings don't seem to matter and everyone else's are more important even though she has knowingly admitted that it seems to matter to me than it would to anyone else. I often feel alone and my panic attacks get worse when I'm around her family because I have to watch every word I say. On top of which, my family all live very far away from me so I rarley get to see them. When I do get the chance my Partner makes a big ordeal about how it's such a burden or issue to make a short effort, which always leaves me deflated. I found out recently that she was on an online dating site after one of my friends stumbled upon her profile on the site. At first I thought it was an old page so I asked if she new about her blog which she said was done years ago but after a niggling sensation, I lied and said that one of the people who had been messaging her got in contact with me through facebook and she revealed that she had really been on it only a few months ago and in flirty contact with a couple of other girls on the website. I feel like I can't be mad because a few years ago I had the kiss, but I loved and respected her and told her the truth straight away, whereas in this situation I had to trick her into telling me the truth. I worry weather I am only in this relationship because it's convenient for her or whether she genuinely wants this. What doesn't help is that i have been abandoned all my life as i was sexually abused as a child by my fathers step son of whom which he chose to believe, I'm assuming for convenience, I was emotionally abused by my alcoholic and violent mum and kicked out after my second overdose attempt beczuse it caused her too much stress and fell in love with someone ( of whom i still truthfully love today) when I was 15 but was emotionally rejected often. To be fair to the last person, her brother died in a car crash and had been emotionally traumatized, but for years kept picking me up and dropping me between relationships. Now I have gotten to the stage where, due to my panic attacks and history, cannot tell, whether i am being used or paranoid. Every time I think of ending the relationship I break my own heart because I love my partner and the thought of her depression or being with someone else kills me. Also my anxiety has developed so bad that I can't do anything or go anywhere by myself and have no independence, how would I cope? I feel like I have done nothing but wash all my dreams down the drain to support what my partners wants and yet, get no appreciation for it. I worry that I will either feel this way always and cry myself to sleep for the rest of my life of give it all up and regret losing my best friend and the love of my life forever. Please help me I feel perminently guilty for feeling like this xxxxxx

Bonkerz - Hi there. Bonkers was one of my favorite cartoon programs. I think you will need some professional help to deal with your problems. Don't underestimate the difficulty in finding the most helpful doctor, so don't be put off if the first pro you interview doesn't work out. I don't think your reaction to the many problems you have encountered thus far in your life makes you crazy! I do think someone with training in helping people to free themselves from the past and realize their own worth will be your best bet for getting well and being happy. I wish you all the best and encourage you to value yourself and see that you are a good person and worthy of love and understanding! Best wishes!

Hello!!! I just wanted to say I am so sorry you had to go through such trauma in your life and that you have had to have such a hard life, but even though I am still quite young I feel that you are asking about this in the wrong place. You need to speak to someone who knows what they're doing not any old person with wi-fi. I bet you are an amazing, beautiful, fantabulous human being and you don't deserve the trials in your life. Please do your self a favour and either seek professional help like a councillor or talk to your partner about all of the issues I am sure she will understand and do her best to help you. Again, as I am young most of what I say may not help but I think you are an extraordinary person and I want YOU to reach your full potential and all of this is just holding you back!