Life doesn't feel worth living anymore

I wasn't sure what category to put this in and i don't really know why I'm doing this, but I feel there's no one for me to turn to right now. Not a particularly cheerful way to spend new years eve i know, but that's partly the problem, it's brought it all back, given me time to reflect over a succession of miserable years and it doesn't feel like there's any point to it all anymore. I should be happy, I've been lucky in a lot of ways, I have a loving family, a fiancee i think the world of and coming to the end of my degree with my whole life ahead of me, but it doesn't feel like it. For nearly six years I've battled alcoholism which came to head over the summer when I attempted to (albeit in a very drunken, sloppy fashion) end it all. Alongside that for the past year I have struggled with drug addiction which has finally led me to seeking help, much to the relief of those around me, but since doing so it has renewed my desire not to live. Without these crutches I don't feel capable of coping and I feel so pathetic, I can't handle anything without spiraling into depression or just breaking down in tears. It's now that i realise that I've never really dealt with anything and it's all resurfacing (I even know this isn't uncommon for those coming out of addiction, but that doesn't offer any comfort right now). In the past my fiancee has had problems with self harming which have also resurfaced of late and, though she assures me it is unrelated to my problems, I still feel it is my fault and there are times when it upsets me so much i find it hard to be around her because it feels as though my heart is about to break; I even started crying whilst we were being 'intimate' because of it. The pain I have caused her and everyone love just makes me wish i had never been part of their lives; selfishly and unbeknownst to anyone else, the mess i have made did cause me to have a minor slip up in which i started using and drinking again and it was the closest i have been to feeling happy for a long time, until i came down and the guilt and depression kicked in. I do think everyone would be better of without me and have seriously considered disappearing, even researching methods and tips on staying hidden so they could never find me. Anyway, I've rambled long enough, i don't know what i expect to happen through doing this, but if you have read this far, thank you and happy new year

rich - happy new year, yourself! take it easy. are you going over why you have these feelings in your sessions about drinking and drugs? don't you think you should get to the bottom of what caused you to need these crutches? wouldn't this help you? i gotta run but would like to talk more later. good luck!

let me tell you this.i use to use drugs years ago.went to jail coping for someone.even lived with a crack head.i wasted about 25 yrs doing drugs.i left the people and the state.where all this was happening.been clean every since.the drugs will make you depress it,s your body craving it,so clean up,are you will see many wasted years.by the way i use to smoke herbs,and crack.what a waste of money

Hi Richie, perhaps first thanks for posting, it is a good thing to ask for help and share, not shameful to accept crutches as you call it. We all need help from time to time, sometimes small sometimes major. Many years ago after a really bad split with my x I ended up at the notorious suicide spot in the UK beachy head. I had my feet dangling over the edge, I wanted to end everything, life was worthless, what saved me was asking for help, I spoke to the Samaritans from the nearby, with their help I stepped away and realised I had something to live for, I agreed to goto counciling over the next 6 months, I couldn't have done it on my own, others helping made the difference, I now have two lovely sons and I'm here to see their future, yes I've had other crap times but I believe in me, there's always been something round the corner, I have too had many good times, so asking for help is a good thing and a good start. But start believing in yourself first. You're the first person I've ever shared this with, I hope it makes a little difference and helps. Enjoy your life. Thanks Darren