Can an old guy learn to commit

I am an older woman. I was engaged to this man 40 years ago and after 4 years, we called it quits. I reconnected 2 years ago thru Facebook. I am deeply in love, but my divorced "friend" does not want to be more than friends with benefits. No commitment. He is not in love with me and does not look forward to a future with me. He says he is happy just being alone with no one making demands. His marriage lasted less than 2 years (he says she was just like me--emotional and moody and difficult). I guess I mistake the passion I get when he kisses me and holds me for love, but I keep thinking there is more there than he admits to. Just not sure if anyone thinks this guy (and he is a good guy) is worth the wait, and maybe my changing my moodiness and demands and just backing off some might work, or just realize that some men are not going to commit ever.

This man has done the right thing by you from the start and stated he doesn't want a relationship, only friends with benefits. He's come out and stated the reasons why and he's been honest with you. You said he's good man and he is, but you can't make him love you even though you wonder about his passion at times. As with all relationships, you don't have to change for anyone. Nobody owns you and they need to accept you for who are. If your moody, emotional & difficult then he'd accept that but he hasn't and most importantly, he's been honest about it. I can identify with him because I'm much the same but I came out of 25 year marriage and while I have had a couple of girlfriends since, I don't want/need to commit. They were happy to have me as 'friend with benefits' and I was happy as well. There was one special lady who I thought about committing to, in fact, I lost my heart to her..but I walked when I realised how much she was dependent on alcohol. Regardless, I think somewhere along the line, we older men draw a line in the sand when it comes to commitment. In my case, there was so much hurt and confusion with my failed marriage that was I was damned if I was going down that track again. Some call it stubbornness and selfishness but I call it self preservation. A wise old soul who died at 96, who was my pop, once said to me that new relationships get harder the older we get but he also said we never stop learning. Maybe one day, I, like your friend, might stop making excuses and then we will be able to commit again. Deep down, you'll know whether this man is worth waiting for....after all, you've had 40 years to think about it.

Thanks for the responses. Yes, he is a good man and yes he is not happy with my moods and emotions. He knows I love him, but feels I fell back in love too quick. I didn't have any significant lovers after him; he had a bad marriage and is now gun shy. When I'm not fussing and being a PITA, he usually calls every night, and some days 3-4 times. He's been "single" for a very long time now, and just says he's content being alone and not having to answer to anyone. I guess I just wonder if I back off some, and let him know that we could survive a week or more in the same place without driving each other nuts, if he would realize that it might be different, or if I just need to stop thinking it will be like in the movies and get on with my life. Rambling and still trying to figure all of this out.

Dear Prue - Passion and emotional satisfaction do not always equate! Think of yourself! If the passion is what you want, then by all means, stick with the 'relationship'. If someone you can rely on to be there for you when times are tough then move on OR stick with the passion and keep looking for someone who can provide both. I would not 'wait' for this man to change because it is unlikely he will! He seems a little emotionally immature to me ... and selfish ... and self centered ... but its up to You to try to get what you really want out of life! Oh, it seems you did back off (to the tune of 40 yrs) - so don't expect much. Good luck!

Actually he broke it off 40 years ago. He wasn't ready to commit (hmmmm). lol Then he realized it was time to marry, and so he did. I'm realizing that I really do need to just accept him as a friend and forget more. He does call and says he didn't have anything to talk about but just needed to her my voice, but never words of love. Just that he cares a lot. He bailed me out when I could not pay a phone bill and is paying to have a car fixed (his old one) and is giving that to me. BUT, he is not wanting a wife and I guess I need to just accept that and decide if I want him as a friend. I'm moving in 6 months or so and maybe 6 hours away. He has said he might get a place close to me, but then he purchased a house (good deal from a friend), and so he says he will just visit me every few months or so and call on his dime At any rate, I think I do need to just accept him at his word, and go on with my life. And try to stop rambling.

Susie. We vacationed the first time around 4-5 times, and I seemed to always have something to pout about. He gave in to me all the time back then, and did whatever I asked. This time, doesn't happen. He's not perfect for sure, but for whatever reason, I still love him. He said he bought his house on my birthday so "we could always remember the date", but then says he sees no future for us. He calls just to hear my voice, but he doesn't have feelings other than friendship. He confuses me with these mixed messages. I think maybe my best bet is packing stuff here in my house (really do need to sell and downsize) and stop focusing on him. IF he wants me, he will let me know. If not, then not much I can do about it.

I feel a bit like a child, but I just can't figure this one out. In his meetings, he won't answer emails/texts like others, but he says his mind keeps thinking of me. He had a little too much to drink one night, and started unloading but then realized he was sharing, and said he has a huge wall up around him so nothing will get in. He was hurt once and isn't going to let it happen again. He will tell me I need to begin to get used to getting up at 4am (he gets up early; goes to bed early), and when I ask why, he back off. He has said (think I said this before) that I would be expensive, and he could never put my name on his checks. I ask why he would put my name on his checks and he backs off. I sent him a link to a condo I might buy at the beach, and he said he could probably get one down the hall for the same he paid in rent (before he bought his house). He asked one night if we were married, would I talk all night like I do now, so WTF ask me a question like that? I'm just confused and can't figure him out, BUT I love him. Lord knows why, but I do.

When we were together before, we both had bills and no money, BUT he saved. He's now doing quite well. I, on the other hand, just spent and spent, and I still spend as fast as I make it. He sees me blowing thru all the money he's got by just buying $40 boxes of Godiva when I get upset, or other necessities like that. He wants to sit here with me and get me on a budget and have me stick to it. I own a house (thanks to inheritance), and so I will have some when I sell this and downsize, but not enough. At 67, I will still have to work to stay alive while he will have quite a bit coming in after he retires. And, I had to ask him to bail me out last year when I was out of work and bills got overdue. He was good about it, and fussed just a little, but paid my phone bill for 4 months so I could stay afloat. I asked him to pay one month to cut the phone back on. At any rate, he is a little cheap, but that's how he's saved. I am extravagant and broke. And I think that is another issue that keeps him from wanting a life together. BTW, he told me he had made provisions for me in his will. Not sure whether he did or not, but another confusing thing.

He calls himself cheap. He is. Yet when I had surgery, he bought me a new phone so he could call me and I would have an extension by the bed. He brings me gifts, but lots are ones he got when he got an expensive room on a trip. I, on the other hand, used to buy expensive clothes (made me feel important) and never saved since I was a child. That bothers him. I will never check prices at grocery store, and will buy spices, etc. that I don't need just because I don't have them. Funny, but I dreamed the other night of this gorgeous living room (still have not seen his place) with a tree and fireplace. And making love in front of it. Well, he just sent me a picture of his house decorated for Xmas, and that's the scene from my dream. Any way, I think maybe changing me might help in this relationship and future ones. I do spend without thinking. I get upset when he's not doing what I think he should do (like in the movies). When he brings me a little "thingie" that says "thinking of you", I'm not sure what that means, and read into it that he's loving me. I ramble and that drives him nuts. Maybe now is a good time to get packing this house and not waiting for him to call and come. If he wants to see me, he will. If not, demanding it really won't work. And crying about it on the phone just drives him further away from coming.