How to leave my wife?

I have been married for 35 years. I was 21, and my wife, I'll call her Flo, was 19 when we married. We were neither of us really ready for marriage, and the main things we had in common were sex and partying; and being tired of feeling alone. The first year of our marriage was up and down, with her running back to Mom and Dad's house a time or two, but nothing so major we didn't make up. At the time I was a night manager at a gas station and she was looking for work. The partying started to get out of hand. Flo had gotten into speed when she was about 14 and although we weren't into it on a regular basis, we did indulge on rare occasions and the sex was phenomenal. I had never really cared for amphetamines and preferred to smoke a little pot and drink a little, but the wife loved to do speed and drink, and like I said, the sex was great. Right at the end of our first year we got kicked out of our rental for having the police show up at a party we were having,(some uninvited guests had a problem with leaving), and she went back to her Mom and Dad's house while I stayed with a friend. We were both working and the plan was to get a place in a month or two tops. Then she got drunk, blacked out, went to a local bar and woke up in the morning not knowing where she was, or who she was with. (She had experienced a couple of blackouts while we were partying and know she does actually "blackout" and is a totally different person while on "autopilot") She was honest with me about it the next day and we managed to work it out, with the understanding she would cut down the drinking and only drink when we were together (yeah, I know, typical alcoholic and enabler) To cut to the chase, I was faithful during our marriage, except for two occasions over the years when we were split up. We raised two kids that are finally stable and on their own. During that time, Flo had 10 "drunken blackout" incidents, that I/we know of, though none in the last 20 years as we quit having a social life and she drank at home, and I put away my feelings and worked and scrimped and raised my family. Meanwhile, Flo's and my marriage became just an empty shell that neither of us was happy in, but saw no reason to end, and I felt dead inside the last ten years. Flo even told me several times I should find a girlfriend and "even the score" Now Flo, at the age of 54, has CPOD and her lungs were scarred from pneumonia. I've spent the last two years nursing her back to health, (I am on disability due to a severe knee injury) and she is now more or less self sufficient, as long as she can sit and rest to catch her breath very frequently. (She isn't quite to the point of needing an oxygen tank) She also seems to have some very minor brain damage, as in some minor memory loss, having trouble finding the right word sometimes when speaking...etc. She also has very little recall of much of the really painful, to me, things she did, that caused our relationship to fail. Now the back story is more or less done, the situation is this. My daughter and grandson were living with us for three years and I met a friend of hers. I'll call her Beth. Beth is in her second marriage of 14 years, has one son from her first, 18; and two from her present, 9 and 11. She spent a lot of time at our house visiting my daughter, and we became friends. This went on for about two and a half years. It became clear early on that Beth and her husband had major relationship problems. (They had gone to couples counseling several years back, but he went back to being a totally self-centered jerk within a couple months) Beth went out of state three months ago on vacation to visit friends, without her husband or kids. While she was away she hit me up on Facebook to say hi and see what was going on here, we started chatting and we ended up revealing that we had both been "crushing" on each other, in some ways, for at least the last two years or longer, but neither of us had said anything. We just knew we liked each others company. We decided to explore how we felt, and managed to get some innocent alone time a few times and continued to chat online; and we fell in love. After three months, we have decided that we belong together, we were both absolutely miserable in the lives we had, and this thing developed over a two plus year span of knowing each other, with no intention on either side, so it's not a fluke. We are more open with each other, than either of us has ever been with anyone. I have been honest with Flo about this developing relationship with Beth, and of course she is upset. But she is also in total denial about it. Beth still comes to the house, usually daily, and Flo goes in her bedroom (well, our bedroom, but I'm moving into the spare room, as soon as my daughter gets the rest of her stuff out) Beth is planning on leaving her husband within the next month or two, and moving in temporarily, with a girlfriend who has an extra room. I'm getting all the paperwork for Flo to get disability done, and she should get about $600 a month. (I receive about $1300 a month) The only options I seem to have are :1 Trade my manufactured home in a park to my daughter and her boyfriend for their older 5th wheel (in pretty good shape) and let them take care of Flo, or :2 Try to get my son and daughter-in-law who live 500 miles away to let her live with them, and she can help them monetarily. Flo in the meantime won't even discuss what she might want to do, since she is in denial and thinks I'm having a midlife crisis (yes, Beth is 19 years younger than my 56 years, her mother is 17 years younger than her dad and it's not an issue). So there it is folks, my little dilemma. How do I leave my sick wife, without feeling so guilty that I ruin things with Beth?

You've taken the time to outlay in depth Flo's health problems and you've been very specific about her issues. She has caused your relationship to fail through her actions and you still saw no reason to end it?! But now Beth has given you every reason to end it regardless of her age. And so, if that's the case, then end your relationship with Flo because in your eyes, it been an empty shell for years. You have obviously sat down and thought about how to continue 'caring' for Flo because you've stated very clearly here for all to see that you may be able to garner the assistance and support of your adult children and you've organised her disability paperwork for her. Flo has minor memory problems from years of substance abuse but she's in denial about Beth but she has told you, in the past, to get a girlfriend to even the score. Where's the dilemma? Do you have guilt about leaving Flo or is it about leaving SICK Flo? Do you really have guilt at all? Are you concerned people will judge you?? And what about Beth's husband?..that "totally self centred jerk"

Yes, a lot of my problem is guilt over leaving "sick Flo". I feel like I enabled her abuse problems, even as I tried to push moderation or abstinence. I have known several 'functional" alcoholics in my family and fought hard to get her there. And after almost 20 years that's where she was. But by that time I had lost any real love for her due to the struggles and early infidelities. It has been a sense of duty, obligation, commitment, whatever, that has kept me here, along with the feeling that I was dead inside, and other than anger and bitterness, what I mostly felt was numb. I went through life with a mask on and most people had no clue. As for Beth's husband, he spends every night playing online games (and he is 35 and an IT guy) for hours, spends some fairly quality time with the boys, but almost goes out of his way to treat Beth like she doesn't matter. They separated several years ago for 6 months, He kept the kids as part of the agreement to do couples counseling,they reconciled and things were good for about 6 months or less, then reverted to the same old behavior, according to her. I have seen him emotionally abuse her on a couple of occasions, although neither she or I have seen him act badly towards the kids. She had made her mind up to leave before our friendship turned into something more serious. She is arranging things now to have a place for her to live, at least temporarily when she leaves. They had already made an agreement during counseling on how to handle the split if it happened, basically she walks with her personal items and he gets the kids and everything else. Yeah, some people might judge me, especially with a 19 year age difference, but that's not what worries me. I'm afraid that guilt feelings on my part are going to ruin my relationship with Beth, and as much as I can rationalize my right to pull some happiness out of what is left of my life, I'm having a real hard time letting go.

Alcoholics always blame someone else for their problem. It's never their fault and yes, if you're married to one, then no matter how hard you try not to be, you'll always be an enabler somewhere along the line. I speak from personal experience here. You well know, but you need to remember, alcohol doesn't care who you are, when abused it just damages regardless. You've hung in there with Flo through a sense of loyalty but true relationships don't have obligations only true love. Staying with Flo will only give you the predictability that you know and possibly more resentment and bitterness..but I guess Beth may be able to offer you security and happiness but if you have a guilt burden about Flo then you will be shackled to her for life. Sure you partied hard when you were kids but then we're all in charge of our own destiny and that includes Flo. As hard as it sounds, you're not and weren't responsible for her actions..she was and still is to a certain extent considering her memory loss. You knuckled down and went about raising your children to the best of your ability in a loveless environment as you described it and I guess you just went through the motions...but you did it. You have basically moved on from Flo years ago even though you have stayed with her and cared for her. That alone tells people what sort of a person you are even if you hid it behind a mask. Your heart has been gone a long time from Flo and if that's truly the case you will eventually walk away regardless of her health issues. 35 years is a hell of a long time to be married and some of those years in a loveless environment. Do you have 35 years worth of misconstrued guilt as well?

Thank you, Manalone and SusieDQ, for your input. Beth and I have both decided to move forward slowly with our plans to leave our bad situations. She is getting everything set on her end to secure a place to live, and leave within the next two months. I am sleeping in a separate bedroom, getting Flo's affairs in order, and trying to make all the arrangements to make sure her living and health needs are addressed. Beth and I have also come to the conclusion that we both need to live for at least a short time apart, even though it will be hard. We are going to date, and I am looking forward to courting her in a proper manner. I know that some that read this will assume that we are sleeping together, and although we have, twice in three months, we both decided, after the second time, that, although it was great for us both, that we are going to forgo any further sexual contact until we are unfettered from our present situations. We still spend some "innocent" time together, discussing our likes and dislikes, watching a movie while cuddling, taking a walk in a park holding hands, and we find that, for now, that suffices. If nothing else, it has confirmed to us that just spending quality time together, is as/more important than just lust, and that what we have found in each other is real. As for the guilt, just writing these short synopsis of the past has made me look at it a little closer, yet removed; I'm beginning to feel, that as long as I do everything in mt power to make sure Flo is provided the opportunity to have a decent life after I leave, it isn't my personal responsibility, "keep her alive" like I've been doing for what seems like forever. I'm also trying, as my Doctor told me when I was talking to her about this, due to my blood pressure going up due to stress, to "give myself permission to be happy". I have spent the last 35 years trying to make someone else happy, someone who most likely needs professional help to find that; it's time for me. Just getting input from you both has helped me clarify my thinking, as usually happens when I write a problem out. This is the first time I have ever gone to a "public" forum with a problem, and I must say I was pleasantly surprised at the support I have found. Thank you.