So confused.. but I want my ex g/f back

So I met this amazing girl a year ago. Both of us are in our mid 30's and we both have children from Ex partners. We were so in to each other and got on so unbelievably well. Everything was so natural, so perfect and our time together was always lovely, happy and very intimate. So much so we fell in love and she even said she loved me first after just a few months. Which actually was amazing to hear as I too felt the same way. And I guess there is no period to say such strong words. :) This was all tribute to how well things really were. We were both chilled and relaxed, enjoyed time out or time in and never got bored of each other and being just ourselves, No falseness, and real genuine. We used to see each other once in the week maybe twice. And always at weekends when her mum could have her daughter or on my weekend off from the kids. Our values and morals were on the same level and we both worked full time. But we established a routine that worked for us well. She had split from her child's father 5 years earlier and I split from my children's mother 7 years prior to us meeting. Obviously we both dated in between and yet neither of us felt the way we did about anyone else we dated, as we did for each other. We both had struck gold. :) We were always open and honest and became best friends, trusted each other immensely. She even introduced me to her family, friends and work colleagues. I got on well with them all. They were also so pleased to meet me because she told them so much about me. I was even told that she never ever introduced anyone to such a mass audience of important people in her life before. So it shows how she felt towards me and us.. It was the real deal and she was showing it to me and everyone. We would normally speak for an hour or two each day on the phone, And we sent loving and thoughtful messages throughout the day. She even said she could see us maybe living together in a year or two. We had romantic and fun weekends away and days out with our kids. So all was good you might say. We were even planning a holiday abroad and done so much to help each other with anything. Always supported each other. She said I was lovely and everything she looked for and wanted in a guy and more.. WE were always laughing and joking and both of us real easygoing? Anyway 7 months in and all was still superb. Then her mum who is lovely and helps her with looking after her daughter was going away on holiday for 2 weeks. My ex had planned to meet her mum and dad out there on the second week. But her daughter was flagged by the school for attendance/punctuation and things also cropped up at work because she is the manager. So she decided not to go and would later plan a separate holiday for her and her daughter to get away. So why her mum was away sadly we never see each other and with her busy at work communication became vague and restricted, Or so I see it like that. So then unaware I began thinking there was a problem. And I don't know why but I became stroppy at times with her even moody. Mostly because I was missing her and because i have never felt so happy with anyone. But maybe because I got scared at how well things were going for us. Maybe the disruption to our normal routine or maybe my ego. But I was not acting my normal self. And yet she tried telling me that everything was fine and it was just circumstances. But did i listen??? No..... I was not messaging her my normal funny, loving messages. things like "hope your having a lovely day", "goodnight, sweet dreams and thinking of you" etc etc . I even left out xxx's from the messages and we would always put loads in every message. So i guess she saw me ranting and being uptight. What made it worse was when her mum got back I was off work and unwell for 2 weeks. So I was a real in a whiny mood and become a moody pants. But i guess it started to rub off on her. And then we both allowed some real silliness to get between us and i was getting real sarcastic. I even said what's the point of us being together and said we are over. (being an emotional idiot) But she said she never wanted that and i was being silly and over reacting. But I quickly backtracked the following day knowing I'd been a fool, Because it hit me i truly love this girl. So I rang her Saying we should get passed this and back to our happy self's as this had gone on for about 6 weeks or so.. And she agreed with me. But a few days later when we met before her birthday she said she was confused and needed space to think..would not even open the presents i just bought for her. I was furious and left her place totally devastated. Minutes after I left i got messages saying sorry and she needed time. She said she don't know why she felt that way and that she really never wanted too. She said she had been stressed with work and everything and maybe after her holiday she'd be clearer with her thoughts after time to relax, time to think. I never saw her on her birthday as she never wanted too so i went out one night and some girl gave me her phone number. And i told my girlfriend. And was saying maybe i should ring her up and that cos atleast she was interested in me... Big mistake and not clever... I mean really i loved my girlfriend i just chucked that girls number in the bin before i left the bar. So i don't know why i was trying to make my girlfriend jealous. she was not impressed. Anyway i backed off gave her space and we dropped a hello each day to one another and why she was on holiday too. A few weeks later after her holiday we met and she was still unsure how she felt about us. So I pushed her for an answer right then saying she can't keep me hanging its not fair. My emotions were everywhere and I guess hers too. So I said are we over yes or no... Well?? Then she muttered under her breath "yes, I guess so". The commencing weeks I went on at her looking for answers. She said she don't know, maybe life pressures, maybe she got scared and that maybe she can't give me what I want because she's is not ready or in the same place as me... she just somehow lost that feeling, chemistry and spark towards me. (physical attraction) Then She said it was her and not me, and that she had so much on that she wanted to concentrate on her daughter, her career and getting a deposit for her own place. She also then said that she had no time for herself and certainly for no one else. And never wanted a relationship with anyone. But still was telling me I'm this amazing guy and how nice I am but her feelings for me had changed. I said if I gave her space, maybe we could try again, but she said she knows once she's lost them feelings she don't get them back.... and that it is not fair on me as she does not have them feelings. I thought that was very strong and she had over reacted. So from us splitting in mid September towards the end of November we still spoke and text but not as frequent and i was going on and on long messages and being needy and desperate. pushing her further away and not replying or just saying sorry i don't know what to say to you. Sometimes things just happen. So not having in my view proper closure i found it really hard, This girl really loved me and like that she was completely the opposite. Said i know how you feel but you need to man up. ouch... So I went NC for over 3 weeks trying to sort my head out. That's how I was able to understand that my actions may have caused this upset. Because at first i never realized how stroppy and moody i had become. And after we split up I went on at her ranting and seeming needy and desperate, not good things to do. Then out the blue after them 3 weeks plus, Xmas day she texts me. "Merry Xmas" xx I was shocked but I replied, we swapped a few messages over the next few days and she even accepted me back on Facebook. Then we spoke one evening and I told her that I was sorry cos I realized in our time apart that I had acted stupidly and maybe my reactions caused the change in her to question us. And that I still thought of her time to time and that deep down I still loved her. I said I agreed with the break up at the time!!! and that I'd moved on from that. She never replied and I messaged again saying that when I said i moved on. I don't mean with other women as that's not my style. She then replied haha, I'm glad you moved on in the nicest way... I said to her if it was someone else then she only had to say and I would sincerely wish her all the best of luck and she need not hear from me again.. But again no reply... The next evening I said after a few texts did she want to chat?? And she called me and we spoke on the phone for about 40 minutes like old days. Where I told her again sorry and it was not normal behavior from myself.. To which she said "I know" i even humored saying I agreed with her breaking up with me cos I acted out of character and would have probably dumped myself to which she laughed. Then we spoke about kids and family, work etc. I also hinted that maybe one day who knows!! never say never, but that's up to you and how you feel. But she never answered. And we spoke about her college course before coming to a close. Then we text New Year's Eve and I was getting two kisses (xx) at the end of every message, where previous days it was one, none or just a smiley face. I then sent a message saying nice stuff about her. And she replied, "Lol that second to last paragraph did make me laugh. Well I am really glad we met although for different reasons we never worked out - I am truly glad we met. You too are a great guy ,good morals, funny intelligent and down to earth - full of great qualities an characteristics. I'm in at the moment managed to get myself a stinking cold so I hope it goes by tomorrow !! Happy new year in advance to you and your family & I hope 2014 brings you happiness and all the good things you deserve. Xx So i was thinking....!!! Ok well why tell me your glad we met? why tell me about all these good points?? She then went on to tell me she was going to her mums for New Year's Eve. But New Year's Day she went to one kiss a message or none.. Then yesterday I asked if she was free to talk later... and that I hoped that she was feeling better and i had a good day at work. 3 hours later she text me to say sorry she never got back to me and told me about her day and she was feeling better and off to bed putting just a smiley face. I really love this girl, So am I misreading things?? She has obviously been quite informative recently about what she's been up to and stuff. Which I wondered why..?? Am I miss reading signals..?? Why message me Xmas day if she never wanted me and she has not heard from me.. Surely that's what she'd want no contact, so why stir things up again?? I mean as much as I wanted too. you don't message an ex unless your thinking of them!!! I mean Is she still confused about us.. regret? I feel if I asked her back she will say no because she is even busier than when we were together. Why get in touch hear from me and blow hot and cold?? I also want to add that her daughters father has been a menace to her since they split 5 years ago. She was open with me about his continuous crap and attempts to reconcile. At times he was upsetting her when we were together and I told her to tell him about us. Yet just before we split she tried and he was verbally aggressive towards her. Yet when I say is it something he said she says no and he has nothing to do with it. But he was nasty to her and treated her like crap for years. And I can't stop thinking that he has a psychological effect on her in some way. And that maybe deep down she wants me but she's concerned of something. Maybe she protecting her daughter and herself from things turning nasty. Either way considering how much she put in to us and all the barriers she pushed to bring me in to her life it seems very weird how she just one day switched off from us. I would have stood by her through tick and thin. And like a fool since she messaged me Xmas day, I have initiated all conversations and I guess I fell back in too that zone again. So was it me? Put her off by acting silly.. But surely not that bad when she agrees its not me and it was a phase, Surely she could forgive that.? was it her daughters father making things hard because he never wanted her but he wants no one else too, And then he does again. She would never get back with him after the things he done and the way he treated her i know that much. Or is it just her?? Stress & pressure from work and life. Worried to commit or that i would hurt her.

I am certainly not an expert, since I'm going thru issues with my guy, but this seems almost like our situation at times. I think, maybe, she could have felt pressured, or possibly just realized it wasn't Camelot and a relationship that might require some working on. Also, I still think that at times, we all are scared of being hurt, and maybe making the wrong decision with a person. So give her space and time. It's hard, because I'm trying to do the same, but instead, I want to call and say "do you love me now?" Not good, because then my guy is backing off further. So maybe just keep the testing and phoning light, and do not talk about your mistakes with her, or how much you care. Just let her know you are there and let her have time to realize she does care for you and it's worth her effort. I wish you luck.

Hi, some good replys thanks... Indeed I have analysed things to the hilt and with some deep thought. Yes I made mistakes I am man enough to own up and have apologised too her. And believe me I\\\'ve tried to approach her on this. Suggested coffee or lunch. But she just ignores certain efforts. I asked her if we could talk yesterday and she got back to me 3 hours later with a text saying sorry she Never got back and that she was now in bed. I am not playing games with her. I love her and want her. But I still think her daughters father who has continuously played with her mind and threatened her and in the past even been violent still has something to do with this. After all he was the only one she would not tell about us. And when she attempted too as I asked her too, he went mental. So she quickly back tracked after he erupted. I still believe she has something for me but she can\\\'t do it now. And I guess she thought it was safer and hassle free to let me go. Because rightly so her daughter comes first. But I believe her message Xmas day was probably too see if I was still interested.. Test the water. And guess she saw it was warm. But then she went cold on me. I\\\'m just worried if I push her now it will still be no as she is under constant pressure and gets little time to breath. So all I can do is be patient. But it\\\'s a risk either way. But if she loves me and she\\\'s ready I guess she will say. I don\\\'t want to add more pressure and push her over the edge.

As I read your situation I am struck by how hard you are working, since the split, to try and rekindle the relationship. And how little she is. I agree with the previous advice that you need to learn from the mistakes you made. But the striking thing to me is how profoundly out of balance things are. You are working like crazy to connect with her, apologizing, texting, calling, making abundantly clear that the moment she will have you back you will be there, analyzing her every move and every word and every letter. Meanwhile, yes, she sent you a Christmas text..ok...with xx...ok. And episodically she responds to your outreach. But a very limited show if interest at best. I think you are at the point where the ball is in her court. she's completely clear that you want her. if she's interested she will reach out. And if she does, you should be polite and inviting, but also measured in your response. So if she's genuinely interested in engaging she can reveal that by taking the next step. I simply don't think the answer is for you to chase her more aggressively or with some clever new strategy. If its there she will come to you. If its not, chasing isn't going to work. I hope thats helpful and does not sound heartless. I know how painful it is to try so hard and not be able to achieve the relationship you desire. Good luck!

Hi Susie, I don't know if you got the wrong end of the stick here. I've tried meeting her and suggested coffee or Lunch. I've tried to move conversation on things more positive. Don't forget we loved each other dearly and it was only because of her daughters abusive father continuing to interact with her that things got silly for us also. I mean she told everyone about us, and when she tried telling him he blew up and started to threaten her.. So she backed of and not long after she finished with me.. I know she is afraid of him. But she denies that. Plus our recent messages have been initiated by me since she got back in touch Xmas day. And every time I've messaged something remotely about us I get no response.. But anything else she responds... I told her how I feel and that I was sorry for acting needy and she said I know it was not you.. She said for whatever reason we never worked out she's truly glad she met me.. Told me I was a great guy, funny, good morals and great characteristics. So I asked if she knew them reasons and she ignored it. So I'm stuck in limbo because I don't know what to think. I've tried being nice and open, I told her I was sorry and that I was not interested in anyone else and I'd love to be back with her. But I will give her space if that's what she needs. But again no answer. She knows I'm a great guy and what happened was just something silly. Nothing horrible or nasty. I've read up on women who suffered previous abuse and it says most of them suffer low self esteem. So that may be why she said a few times we were together that she thought I was to good for her. But I always told her she was amazing and I loved her. But I can't do nothing unless she opens up, and I'm starting to lose faith with my failed attempts to speak freely how we always did. I only speculate on some things I may have done. But only she knows and even though she never replied to them messages she never said no, or I just want to be friends.. So how do I get her to open up with out pushing her.. And how do I get her to want to meet up or start conversations off.?? Rather than me pushing or doing all the chasing. I'm a good man and she left me for whatever her reason. But she needs to see that.. I'd not abuse her and would love and treat her the way she deserves, I'd also ensure that ex of hers would never lay a finger on her again.because I would protect her at all cost. But she has to open up to me.. And it seems she is frightened, maybe embarrassed to tell me it's because of him. So I'm stuck and miss and love her so much.

Susie.... How am I being pushy and telling her what to do..?? I never did we were both laid back and were natural. Nothing heavy and well chilled. I only acted cheesy after we split because it made no sense how she just switched off. So I backed off to give her space and she messaged me after 3 weeks plus of not hearing from me. So I've kept it light and friendly. Obviously I apologized when we spoke for any part I thought I had in her wanting to break it off with me.. But that's is it. Because I still don't know the truth... And Susie You said I need to stop playing games and tell her how if feel or I will lose her.. Well I have never played games and I've always had real genuine love for her. So I took your advice and I told her,. But she ignored that message. So anyway I am not trying to control her neither am I anything like her ex. Not even 1% of that idiot. Listen We were great friends and had a great time when we were together. So how is it my fault that her ex threatened harm on us both.. Then soon after she breaks it off. I've only looked at things that maybe I did to push her away as I had no closure. Because she said it wasn't me and she was sorry. But she has no time for a relationship. So when I went NC because she wanted no part of me.. Why come back? Why open old wounds.. To then go cold again.. So don't you think I hurt. I was there for her and her daughter. I knew it was not going to be easy with her daughters father still not letting go after 5 years of abuse and multiple cheating. Her mum and cousin even told me about the ex was a nightmare. Because they saw how happy she was with me.. So I'm sorry but I've not been doing anything wrong. I've gave her space and time.. I've stayed loyal and we been apart 3 months almost. Most men would have gone by now... Because I believe in her.. But she had got to see all the good we had and want it again. I've reminded her I'm there for her. Anytime she wants to chat meet for coffee. I'm not pushing her, not trying to control her.. Anyway it's her choice as I won't hold out forever..I got my own kids and life.. Just wanted her in it as she is lovely. And so am I.. Just that someone else who does not want her to be happy and won't let her move on. And I won't say things his done in the past because she trusted me with them.. But he is wack.. And I fell for someone it don't seem can ever be with me unless she escapes her demons.. And for 9 months with me she did and loved me till he showed up and then we argued cos she acted different.. Then wants to be alone. So it's me that's hurt too Susie.

I was also not trying to be her knight and rescue her. Because 5 years apart I never expected her ex to be a problem. So there was nothing to rescue her from. We just were us, normal & happy. But as out relationship went on the more he seemed to contact her. And yet he knew nothing of me, and he was the only one she never told about us. Cos she said trust me it's easier.. And he stalked her FB asking who I was in some pictures on a day out with our kids. So her and her daughter lied and said I was a friend they bumped into. A friend!! And she said he had nothing to do with us splitting up.. All I've done is blamed myself, and be hurt. I'm a great dad, a real genuine person who was raised old school by his grandparents. I have a morals and values. I studied and worked hard after 6 years in the army to accomplish a new start and a better future. So I have a good job and earn good money. I'm an attractive guy and do lots in my local community working with children as a volunteer in my spare time. Which I've done for seven years. I'm not selfish not nasty and am mostly a happy go lucky person. Have plenty of friends and good social connections. And I have had much interest from women. But I'm not greedy, not big headed. Neither am I a cheat or a liar. I know where I came from and how to treat people. I'm quite intellectual and have great qualities in being loyal and faithful also. So why is it I meet someone amazing and I get cut off? I was supportive to her in every way and she had my backing in what ever her dreams or ambitions. But letting me go and not giving me closure.. Then coming back again with a message, when if she never wanted me it's a bit unfair from her to stir my feelings again.. She knows what she had with us, but something holds her back and it's not me.. I'm sure of that.

Thanks. And yes i suppose she don't know how to react with someone who is so different from her past heart ache. Just don't know why she went to such lengths with me meeting everyone, that she has never done before It shows how comfortable she felt, and how happy she was with us. I know she won't get back with him as she told me why and they don't see each other. He collects his daughter from her parents. All communication is by text and as a last resort a phone call. And the way she screwed her face up when she got a message I knew it was him. Plus she was open enough to show me the messages, but not to discuss at length. And she said it was easier not to tell him about us as it made life easier. So was that message after almost 4 weeks to see if I'm still on a hook, her way to see if I'm still about for her and not moved on. Or is it regret but she not sure how to deal with it. Should I just move on.. Or give her more time?

Well I met her mum and dad a few times.. And We did get on well. Her ex hardly bothers with her daughter. He just buys her affection. And know I don't bother my ex because I am not like her ex is. And we never spoke to much about him. Just enough to know he was a pain in the bottom. I just want her back and as time goes on it looks bleak. I thought her contacting me Xmas day was a positive. But it's got me no where fast. Still no nothing more and still left in limbo. It's completely unfair because I would not have done this too her. And I've tried everything to understand her situation. I just have no idea what to do or where to go. And I've not messaged her since last Wednesday as I wanted her to message me because she wanted too. But I've heard nothing since. Guess I was a fool to think she loved me as much as she said she did.. :(