I love a depressed man

Hey all, I need some help. I need to get this off my chest. I've recently broken up with the man I thought I'd marry and grow old with. We met 2 years ago this month. There was an instant attraction and things took off pretty fast. We dated for a couple weeks before he asked me to be exclusive. It took off fast, but the feelings are there. He told me he loved me. He told me he wanted a future with me. His family loves me, has taken me in as another member of the family. They think I'm the best thing to have happened to him. Around 6 months, we moved in together while he look for a place to buy for us. We finally found a house we loved, he bought it, we moved in to it. This was in October, about 7-8 months after we met. I noticed he was a bit distant and quiet, but knew he'd been under the pressures of buying and moving. Fast forward two months (Dec 2012), his twin sister passes away in her sleep. No explanations, no warnings, nothing. He was the first one to get the call of the news, to rush to his mom's house and call his brother. Naturally, he has had his ups and downs over the past year. And I have tried to remain strong, but it's tough. He has been up and down distant and unavailable. Sometimes he's super sweet and does little things to let me know he cares, other times he's just in his zone. Now...his crazy (and I mean manipulative, lying type crazy) ex contacted him soon after his sister died (like a week). She made him meet up with her by threatening to figure out where he lived then tried to lure him in to taking care of her children (not his). She's been texting him on and off ever since, mostly when she's feeling down. I approached him about her, and he's said he will always care for her, but he will never trust her or be with her again. We left it at that. Around early summer time, I began noticing that my man was drinking more often, staying out later, pulling away from me and everyone else, being crankier, generally secluding himself. It was as though he'd rather watch hours of netflix by himself whereas he used to enjoy watching movies and shows with me. I also noticed that sex dwindled to once a week, sometimes every two-three weeks. Finally, after I took a vacation in September, I approached him. I told him that he was distant more and more and I was growing insecure. He told me that 1. there was the potential he hadn't moved on from how the crazy ex girlfriend had hurt him so bad and 2. that in staying strong for his family after his twin's death, he pushed out ALL feelings. In shoving away the pain, he shoved away affection and love. And he doesn't know how long it will last or if that will ever go away. BUT that I am the only woman in his life and that he cares for me. A lot. We resolved to try, he to try processing the depression and I to try not to take it personal. Well, this ex girlfriend called yet again a month ago and I naturally got uncomfortable again. Then during December, he was crankier and grumpier on and off- he despises Christmas and it was the anniversary date for his sister. So, I freaked out the week before christmas and slept in the spare bedroom. We talked Christmas Eve, and I laid it out on the table. I'm insecure about the ex. And mostly, I'm insecure about if he does love me or not. I saw him picking fights a little and being withdrawn again. I thought he was faking a smile because he was avoiding the issue and smashing down emotions more. To which he said: 1. he cares for the ex but will never be with her again. 2. he will always have intermittent times in which he withdraws, that's how he handles stress and grief 3. he has coped with this death on his own, but if he let it all in he would lose it 4. he was faking the smile to try and make me happy. I told him I felt betrayed and lied to. We both agreed that I deserve better and that he is "emotionally unavailable". He "cares about me a lot", just "really doesn't want to hurt me". A couple days later, I told him that I'm not going anywhere. I love him and I want the good times, along with the bad. I can't have the good without the bad. And it's hard, but I'm not giving up on him simply because he's having a tough time. To which he said, well I am giving up. You are going to have to leave. I don't want to be in this relationship. I don't want to be in any relationship. I want to be alone. Yet, I do not have the funds to move out on my own right now. So we are still living together, just not in the same bedroom. I figured he'd ignore me, but he has been joking and talking with me, even teasing me still. In fact, he still invited me to meet with his family to his nephews (sister's kids). He said that I'd been around for 2 years and he wasn't just going to stop inviting me. The past couple days we have been flirting non stop at home, even getting physical with each other. So...I guess my confusion is... does he actually want to be alone? I know he is trying not to hurt me and I'm sure I made him insecure by freaking out...but still hanging out with me, joking and flirting and wanting me around his family...? I want to stick around. He makes me happy and I know I put at least a small smile on his face. Right now I'm just trying to take each day as it comes- focusing on work, exercise, and staying level-headed. Our pseudo distance is serving us well- nothing seems to have changed except that I now sleep in my own bed. And I don't kiss him and say I love you every morning before work. Anything else I could do? How do I handle him? Does he really want to be alone? How much space should I give him?

It seems you have worked it out admirably. The arrangement you have in place with this man now is working. I think you'll find that just by 'sticking to your guns' by telling him that you're not going anywhere is probably the best thing he could ever have. I take my hat off to you because you are hanging around, not out of obligation but because of the love and respect you have for this man. A lesser person would have found a way to leave even if they didn't have the funds to do so because where there's a will, there's a way. You are applying those last 7 words in the previous paragraph, to this situation which tells people everything about you. I think the best treatment for this honest man's depression...is you. So I'd just hang around and leave things the way they are as long as you are happy with it.

Thanks. I am trying to take care of myself. The reason I approached him about all this was an attempt to do that, to figure out what was going on. My real confusion is that he said he's done with me...his exact words were "I don't want to be in this relationship, or any relationship. I want to be alone." So why invite me out to family functions? Why let me use the common areas of the house and still chat about work and life? Why still playfully tease me and make sexual advances? Am I wrong in thinking that basically we are just each taking some personal space...sort of like a break but not quite since we share the house. I mean, if he really wanted me to go away he'd kick me out ASAP and ignore me...right? I'm confused. I do know that I'd rather come home to him even though he is struggling, and so am I.rather than moving out. :( And yes, I'm seeking a counselor and focusing on myself at this time.