Abuse broken and lost

Ok I have been with my husband for about ten year but the promble is are past when we first got together it was weird we moved in together like within a week we both didn't have anywhere to go so we thought it would be a good idea but six months we got a few are arguments he got kind of physical where he would pull my hair or hold me down but that was it but in February of 04 we got into a argument but I was alone who ended up with two black eyes yes I was hurt and devastated being stupid I didn't leave yes he apologized really there's not much that I can say to justify any of this later on that year on 2004 we got into another argument where I got push to the floor and ended up with a broken wrist and again he apologized he felt so bad and of course I was devastated Hurt and broken hearted and again I stayed been stupid things after that changed he hasn't been physically abusive in the last eight years but he sometimes gets verbally abuse of when he get mad with in the last two years gotten better was watching what he says to me now we actually talked about this and I got kind of is because when I talk about these 2 incidents he says I provoked him and that piss me off so bad but after all this happen I still married the guys ok here the problem i've been ready to leave him for a few years but I don't know why I cant not too long ago we got into an argument because I wanted to get a tattoo he said no and I told him that I didn't care what you said I was going to go and get the tattoo than he to me that he can't be with no women who cannot respect him so I Flip out everything that I have mentioned in this paragraph I brought up grab my things and left The problem that I'm having is when I left I just felt so bad I came back but I still got my tattoo but the problem I'm having is my hearts has not been in this relationship for quite a few years i'm no angel myself I have already had three affairs that he does not know about I want to leave but I don't know how to do it or say it without feeling bad for him i'm just confused and don't know what to do anymore

I do care for him but I do feel sorry too. I don't know why ?We don't have kids . I'm the head of household. Sex is okay is just I have no passion for him . Good qualities he can be romantic , he'll go out of his way to help you if you're stranded,and he can b nice if he want to be .I guess what sets me off so bad there is no talking to him without him getting defensive you tell them he did something wrong he brings up everything you have done wrong ,like u cash the car and that was to years ago .I myself would like to figure this out.

Your heart is gone, you stated that. That means you will eventually walk away completely somewhere down the line. You're still thinking about him, but you need to think about yourself and your actions. If you've had 3 affairs since you left, then your actions are speaking, you've gone somewhere else to give you comfort. He states, he can't be with a woman who doesn't respect him but his actions have spoken to you numerous times with violence...this is no respect for you there. And you state, he's been disrespectful to you since the first 6 months together. Your husband is a man who will struggle with any relationship because he resorts to physical and verbal abuse... that's immaturity (at the very least) among other things. If he says you have provoked him (an excuse) then he has 'anger buttons' pretty close to the surface and unless he realises this and looks at helping himself, then I don't understand why you would want/need to be with someone who causes you damage in every way. Yes, it could be you feeling sorry for him...you could have a guilt burden about it all, but if you have, you'll never move on completely because you'll be shackled to him. 10 years marriage is a long time to get over, it's a substantial period of your life but if you can't look forward to the next chapter in your life without this man, then the next chapter will just be the misery and confusion you know now.