Should I...???

Been with a woman 7 years, some good some bad. Bottom line is she was insecure when I met her and she still is. She says my actions don’t help because the people I talk to and interact with make her feel uncomfortable . Known these people (both genders) for years. I’ve been in town 20 years, she 7, so I have a bigger network. When meeting people I always introduce her but I can tell she’ll judge them straight away and she’ll usually judge them quicker if there are female. She’s a reserved person but with strong views on how a relationship should work. She drinks a bit and usually says her mind when she’s had a few and sometimes aggressively. She can push and slap to get her point across when she’s had a few but it’s got to the point where I’m starting to defend myself. She says I shouldn’t even think about pushing or hitting a woman. She was involved with a domestic violence support group a few years ago and states woman have all the rights when it comes to DV??!! All this happens over the fact that I talk to people, I’ve known for years who she doesn’t like for her own reasons. She says I can’t talk to them and if I truly loved her, then I would be loyal to her and not talk to these people. She says I’m betraying her. When I ask what’s wrong with this one or that one, she says I need to work it out for myself. I need to think hard about it and learn how people act in normal relationships. She says partners don’t talk to other people if their partner doesn’t like them. When we first got together, it wasn’t full on but we were friends with benefits and she slept with another guy twice in 7 days (guy I know well) because I was talking to another woman she didn’t like. This woman was with her fiance when I was talking to the pair of them. She saw this across the room and said I had disrespected her by talking to this woman. She said she warned me not to talk to her. She said that was the reason she slept with this guy that evening. He was there as well. She reckoned she didn’t have to tell me because we weren’t together properly and I should be grateful she was upfront with me. But I’ve often wondered why tell me at all then? Few people have said to me I’m ‘punching beneath my weight’ being with her. Should I step back and just look at the whole scenario as 1. She’s a controlling, insecure, devious and scheming person? or 2. I’m wrong, and I need counseling for anger issues and relationship guidance?

Hi DONEDAN, Wow, your issues sounds surprisingly.... common these days. Women can be terribly dramatic but physical anger is NOT acceptable from ANYONE. With that being said.... 7 years? 7 years is a long time to be with someone and not have made a commitment. (I'm not pointing fingers) It's likely some of her insecurities are stemming from this alone as no woman dates a man for 7 years and goes more than 2 years in without hearing from friends, co-workers and family "When's the wedding?" over and over and over and over and over again. (yes, it's THAT bad.) It seems you have 3 options here (maybe more but we'll stick to these). You can A) Give in and never speak to another female in your life. B) Search with her the reasons why she feels so insecure- even though she's secure enough to sleep with another man just to make you jealous (seriously, who does that except for on TV and expects everything to work out in the end because men have such short memories, right?) or C) Begin to think about why you're willing to put up with alcohol abuse, insecurities, and physical abuse just because she's willing to admit she's capable of them. I don't know if you all have children together or not (they can be powerful motivators as to the direction of any relationship) but if you're seriously not giving her any reason to suspect cheating then I believe you know in your heart what you need to do. Hope this helps! Good luck.

My gosh I just logged on to see if my own post had been updated by in reading this I could have written this about me. Mine focussed more on the pokie problem but the relationship I have is very similar. 7 years for me as well, and in that time she has managed to remove practically all my friends and family from all contact, and like an idiot, I continue to let her do it, putting it down to her insecurities. None of my friends like her because I never get time to spend with them unless of course shes there. Do you find youre not able to just answer your cell phone or ring someone off the cuff while shes there, instead leaving it until later? Do you find yourself not doing the things you used to always do? I too have been accused of affairs based on having a conversation in a pub with a woman. In 7 years I havnt done a single thing that would be considered anywhere near pursuing another woman. My partner and I both drink and she also gets abusive to the point of violence. We have often had police around removing her from the premises. Like an idiot I keep letting her back. Sooo, hearing you say these things puts it in perspective for me. She is wrong and is controlling and manipulating, and I agree this can be done purely out of her own insecurity. Ive realised mine is. But what Ive learned is...she has become completely dependent on your submissive response to the point that she sees it has normal. Over the past few days Ive taken time out to relook at my own values, beliefs, matters that relate to personal respect to oneself and others. I'm in the stages of having her move out, I've pushed back on every single instance of controlling behaviour in an assertive...not aggressive, but firm manner. Ive started seeing my friends, explaining that that is my perogative and her opinion on the matter is not a concern to me. The 'if you love me...' statements now go out the window and I have a firm response to anything remotely like it. I think its about trusting your own 'gut', checking in with your own personal values and re-affirming your place in the relationship, if you still want one, because I am finding my partner is not handling it, yet not fighting it anymore. Shes become numb and just doesnt know what to say, for fear of getting more rebuttal. And I dont believe Im overdoing it. The thing is, now I have control of more of my life, Im finding I dont want to pursue this relationship anymore. Aside from the risk I might let it slip back to the old way, I find I dont believe we are going to work together in any sort of balanced relationship. The damage is done for me. So sorry for going on but it felt so familiar!

You're first notation is the correct one. She is a scheming, devious and controlling individual. She is a damaging person and where she is coming from scares the hell out of me. Her opinion of domestic violence is so left field, it should tell you how dangerous she is. Psychical abuse is not acceptable from any gender!! The fact that she drinks a bit means she probably relies on alcohol more than you suspect and I can tell you from personal experience, controlling behavior and alcohol make a dreaded mix. And her behavior concerning the other guy is abhorrent to say the least! To attempt to control you in that manner, when you state you were only friends with benefits, and then rub it in by stating you should be grateful she told you is absolute gutter behavior. You said 7 years?.....you've lost 7 years of your life being involved with this woman because I can't see one good thing reading between the lines of your story. Realize what and who she is....listen to those people who tell you "you're punching beneath your weight".

thanks people for your replies. I didn't know my issue was so common. After reading you post Santiago, I can really relate to it all. Manalone, your post is direct to the point and pulls no punches but the advice is pretty sound. One thing, I wanted to commit to this woman a long time ago, wanted to give her the world in the early days, but my gut was telling me something and I think I've just held back and waited to see where it was going. Maybe some of her insecurity does stem from this but I wasn't going to jump into another marriage unless i was completely certain.

I was the same...thinking it would all change, but I've...finally...got to realise that the waiting itself has cementing the problem. Based on my experience, change on her part to the level of equality you want...and need is very unlikely. And don't make the mistake of allowing temporary 'mellowing' of her ways only to find shes back on track, controlling again. Rewind back to how you were before you met her, what you expected from the relationship before making all the compromises you have since and reaffirm your position...clearly. And don't slacken off the resolve, because that is what she'll be waiting for...waiting for you to mellow out and go back to how it was. I made that mistake again and again because I kept seeing glimpses of change, only to find it all back where she wants it again. As I speak she hasnt tried anything for days, is trying to be nice but I can tell waiting for me to give up the resolve. Not going to happen this time. Good luck to you...and get started on what you really want in life, from her, from yourself. You only get one life I've sure learned, so live it the way you want to, not by someone elses unfair set of rules.

She seems to fit the characteristics of an abuser and you a person who put up with abuse. Look up abusive relationships and see if it fits your situation. Forget about gender, women can abuse as you see. If you stay the physical violence will likely escalate and she may succeed in socially isolating you. I think you know what you need to do.

I hope you are well. As this is now months later, I hope that you've finalized your plans and that your heart has begun the healing process. I hope too that you are not to shell- shocked from the last relationship that it will hinder future relationships as that often is the case. A person can become too fragile because of the circumstances they've become accustomed to dealing with- often they inadvertently carry it over into future friendships, romantic relationships and even into the workplace. You must become at peace with yourself and that experience, understand what you've been through and that hopefully it won't repeat itself. The people you encounter from now on aren't likely to act the way your ex did.... please please remember that. Don't forget the warning signs but try your best to start a clean slate but with added wisdom so that early on you can make another exit- if necessary. Good luck to you.