Maritial bliss

Good day.i am 40,married with 2 boys,15 &12yrs.my husband and i have known each other for 22 yrs.about 7/8 yrs ago i discovered something about my husband that changed my outlook about him forever.I am a professional nurse.When i worked nightshift he looked after the kids.I would phone home,and there would be no answer.When i get home in the morning,the kids would tell me that they were by aunty Michelle opposite the road.My husband did off course say nothing.I confronted him about it and he said that he was bored and needed company( i was doing nursing before we got married and now i am wondering what did he do the 2 yrs before we had kids).He even cleaned her yard and forgot the days that i was off. Off course i blamed myself b'cause i neglected my "husband"We talked about things and moved on.After that,i discovered he was on chatting sites telling women how beautiful they looked and how he has been looking for someone like them all his life,publically telling ,young women especially on facebook how he admires the dress that she wears or just gives them a simple compliment, pornography,having pictures of hese women on his phone or our home computer as screen savers etc Off course i felt that i was at fault because i am working normal hours as i should.There are more examples but one in particular incident that happened 4 mths ago,I checked his phone and i saw msgs that he did send to this women like:'i can't wait to spend my time with you;When i pick you up you must put on your mini;i love etc That was the last straw.Off course he's got an excuse and answer for everything.I gave him an ulimatum,seek help or we get divorced.He came up with excuses,even after i took him to the church minister.Eventually i made an appointment for him.He went once and according to him the psychologist said that it wasn;t necessary to come again.He has been sleeping in my kid's bedroom for 4mths now because our eldest is an epileptic and falls out of bed when he gets a seizure.We had sex a couple of times but for a couple of weeks i just felt not like being intimate with him.Tonight i caught him masturbating.Some will say it is normal,but i felt disgusted.He just laughed it off.I stopped going out with him in public because he has got a roving eye.He openly flirts,esp with the younger girls.I've realised that he has got a psychological problem because it is impossible to blame other people for everything but yourself.He doesn't communicate when he needs to esp about important things.But everything are converted into a joke.He is 48 but is still very immature.If you tell him you don't like something,he never listens to you only his own self.I'VE TRIED OVER THE YRS TO GET MARRIAGE COUNCELLING,BUT HE REFUSED.Reason why i tolerated all of this is because when i broke my relationship off with my ex boyfriend,he told me that i would become a whore(because he was my 1st).That got stuck in my mind and i felt like i had to prove to him that i didn't become one.My kids are my other concern.They are attached to their father but i need to think of my needs also.This man emotionally and sometimes physically abused me.Nobody knew what i went through over the yrs because everybody liked him.But now i feel i have enough.I never neglected him.I look after myself.I don't want to sit around and wait for the next shock.There is a diagnosis for people who are like that.He just feels as long as he is not physically involved with the people that he is doing nothing wrong. there have been to many over the yrs.I am going to expose him.even if i tell some people they don't believe me.I really wish he was dead!! What do i do?

The fact that your husband has issues is not your fault. His issues have been there for a long time and he's now 48. Your career dictates you work unusual hours but that's how it goes. Neglect doesn't come into it because thousands of people work night shift while their partners do the home duties. Unless he makes a decision to get treatment, counseling etc then all you can do he protect yourself and your children. You both need to go to family counseling but you know that...while he just refuses. Your 'mindset' of your previous BF comments has you shackled to this man and you have used this mindset to put up with your husband's condition. But you don't have to prove a thing to your previous BF,...all you need to do is be true to yourself. It's a negative environment and your husband's abuse is slowly grinding you down but is it worth the effort just because of what a previous BF said? You state you've given your husband an ultimatum, but if he doesn't take you seriously, then you're basically wasting your breath and you need to determine what is best for your children and yourself. You state you don't want to sit around and wait for the next shock....but you're expecting it. It won't be easy to move on, but the long term gain will be worth the effort. And if you state, you're going to expose him and you don't care if people believe you or not, then you're halfway there as to making a decision to walk away.

Hi Poppie (love your name) - I completely agree with you...its time to get the h--- outta there! This guy is a dope! I'm positive you can find, at least, a better lover (do not even consider yourself a whore even if you have sex everyday with a new guy!) and most probably a better man! I'm sorry it won't be easy but it is necessary because you deserve a great relationship and a good life! Keep in touch...Whatsup