I can't trust my partner

My partner and I have been together for 5 years, I moved in with him 4 years ago. He is East Indian, has lived in Canada for over 30 years, and I am caucasion. In the beginning he was loving and charming, but since moving in with him he had pressure from his ex wife and kids and his behaviour toward me changed considerably. He became constantly critical of me, rude, moody, distant, and would say to me he didn't know what he wanted anymore. During the last 4 years he has been viewing other women's profiles online, viewing porn, signing up for adult dating sites, had agreed to meet another woman for coffee, all done secretly. Whenever I confront him he denies, lies, then says he wants to breakup. But whenever I leave he asks me to come back and says things will be better, and that the fault is his. We are still together, but have numerous arguments usually about his computer use, or how he takes me for granted. Even though he had told me he would change, last year while away caring for my dying father I found out when I came back that he had been viewing prostitutes pages on a website. He apologized and promised not to do it again. Lately he has been using Facebook a lot, and I found out last week that he contacted a woman that he says he "accidentally" friended. He sent her a private message telling her that her photo was breathtaking, and saying this could be the start of a great friendship, and then asked her what she does for a living. She is an Indian woman living in India. When I asked him about this, he said he was hoping for ongoing chats with her, but said this should not bother me. He works very long hours, is rarely home, and rarely calls me because he says he's too busy. He has never messaged me on Facebook and hasn't even looked at my Facebook pics let alone complimented any of them. I'm hurt, but he says I'm overreacting. He also said if I looked like her then maybe he would say I was breathtaking. I told him this was a hurtful comment but he says he doesn't understand how it could be hurtful, and said that wasn't his intention, he says he was just being logical. BTW he cheated on his first wife, an Indian woman. His ex told me about it and he confirmed it. As far as our sex life, he has a high sex drive, and I have never deprived him even if I am tired. He has not been physically abusive, but is very emotionally and verbally abusive, constant put downs, undermining my self esteem etc. He is ex OPP, but lost this job because of some shady dealings, then went into trucking and ended up in a US prison for 4 years for transporting illegal goods across the border. (I knew about all this when we met) After prison he divorced his wife and I met him 2 years later. I have been trying to get him to get help but he doesn't think he needs to. I'm worn down with all the fighting, and feeling taken for granted and not being able to trust him. Am I overreacting or being too sensitive or too controlling? Should I stop confronting him? Thank you.

I don't think you're overreacting. It sounds like, and sorry to say, that you're in a situation where your husband doesn't appreciate you. I'm not sure how the pressures from his ex affected your relationship. Perhaps councelling may help?

Karen, a successful relationship has intimacy, trust, respect, honesty and communication. Ask yourself if your relationship has these and then ask yourself why you are worn out and tired. I'm sorry, but you should just move on from this man because you're no longer on his radar.

Thanks both for your responses. He says he doesn't want me to leave, but I have told him I am considering moving on if he doesn't agree to counselling, which may not be effective because he is resistant to it. As far as the pressure from ex and kids, when I met him his exwife was already in another relationship, but she wanted the focus to be only on her and their children, who were 16, 20 and 22 at the time. The ex and the two daughters resented me, were nasty to me and constantly undermined our relationship. His ex also constantly badmouthed both him and me to all the children including their 16 year old son. Relationship between son and father eventually ended and his daughters never come to visit, not even over the holidays even though they were only 10 minutes away.

Dear Karen - Get the hell out of this relationship!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Whatsup