Acceptable contact with exes

Dear all My question relates to my partner’s contact with a recent ex who was an affair partner. My partner and I are both in our early forties, have been together for 5-6 months and are living together. We have both been married before. I have been separated from my first partner for 10 years. This person cheated on me at the very end of our relationship, and a child resulted from this liaison. My partner separated from his wife around 2.5 years ago and is now divorced. However, after the separation he had an affair with a married woman for around 2 years. They split up about a six weeks before we met each other because she wouldn’t leave her husband as they had planned and he had doubts about the relationship from his side. About 6 weeks into our relationship she contacted him to “say hello”. He initially assured me that they were both convinced of their decision to part ways, but quickly it changed and 3 months ago she offered to leave her husband and to promptly move in together, which he turned down. During this time they exchanged messages, calls and met up at least several times to discuss the matter. My partner has always been as far as I know honest about the subject and offered the information to me. However, my partner remains in contact with her. Of course this bothers me as it is a recent event and we have opposing views on the matter. He thinks that it’s normal to be in contact with a “friend” and that I shouldn’t be threatened by it, and that I should even meet up her to realise that she is a nice person. This suggestion to be honest makes me feel like an offer to be a fool. He quite rightly believes, as do I, that my relationship is with him and not her and as we get on well and trust each other then there should be no issue. He perceive the problem as me being threatened and jealous and remains fully unaware as to why it would worry me; the issue now seems to be solely my approach. While I do trust my partner, I do feel that there is cause to be threatened by such a relationship and that it isn’t an issue that is emanating solely from my side. I too remain friends with several exes (but not the ex husband given the circumstances), so I am not anti-ex and I have no bad feelings about his ex-wife. My worries are a woman who I perceive as a snake in the grass and also his overly naive approach to their “friendship” (my point of view there). He has no concerns about any of her actions towards me or him or her husband. He harbours no bad feelings about their relationship whatsoever and says that he is at “peace”. I find this unnerving. He recently felt bad because he didn’t visit her in hospital when she had a knee operation. I don’t think that it is his responsibility to support her and find it inappropriate in the recent circumstances that she would look towards him for support. In turn, he finds it hard to mention the subject to me as he thinks that I am threatened by it, and that it relates to feeling that there is competition. I am trying to convey both points of view here. In general we have a very nice relationship, but I would still appreciate outside thoughts on this matter from people of a similar age or older and who have experience with these situations. Thanks all,

Your feminine instinct is probably your best weapon in this situation. One reason you have no ill feeling about his ex wife because she's not 'there'....but this other woman is. The very fact that he was already involved with you (5-6months) and she knew and contacted him, this tells us what sort of a person she is. Your partner's actions are speaking as well whether he realizes it or not. He met with her to discuss the matter. Your partner can't discuss it freely because of your reaction and if that's the case your losing some of the communication and openness in your relationship. She is a threat by continuing to be in contact but if your partner had any respect he would stop all contact with this particular ex.....and it's obvious he's carrying baggage from that 2 year affair.

Thank you for the reply Manalone and your thoughts. I also feel that I shouldn't trust this other person. Thank you for the other ideas for consideration.

Dear Gran - Do cheaters ever really change?? I believe this is what is bothering you. Trust your instincts. Whatsup