Unable to end marriage despite hurt

My husband and I met when we were very young. We were head over heels in love (as we all are to start with), had a great life and relocated when I was just 19 and he 21. Shortly after we had a baby, and that's pretty much when things started to go downhill. I was on maternity leave in a new area, had no friends or family locally, my husband was working all day and had no time for me...basically I was desperately lonely and unhappy, and convinced our relationship was going to end. Then I met someone who was interested in me. He wasn't anything I wanted himself, except that he made me feel wanted. So this lead to the biggest mistake of my life, I had what you could call an affair, we had sex a few times. There was no talking, kissing, feeling. Just sex, someone wanted me. I understand now that it stemmed from what was missing in my life. I wish more than anything I had dealt with it differently but I was a different person back then. My husband and I got back on track. I told him about the 'affair' and we agreed to work things out. We had another baby, and this was the catalyst for financial problems. I received a letter one day to say mortgage payments were behind by 3 months. I talked to my husband who said it was a mistake, he would sort it out. But the letters continued to come. I didn't understand, we earned enough to cover outgoings. Why was this happening? To cut a long story short, it turns out he had a gambling addiction. Since then, we have narrowly avoided repossession of house, have ccj, and I have literally uncovered about 200 money related lies. He has shamed me by borrowing money off friends in secret, emptying my bank account at every available opportunity, and even risked my job by taking money from work. I have found letters hidden all over the house and under floor boards. There is no depth he won't sink to in order to get a bit of cash or go keep it hidden. I can't trust him as far as I can throw him financially, but do I want to break up relationship, home and family for money? We stuck it out. I have gained qualifications, promotionals, sorted out my life and all debt repayments, had another baby and we moved on. He said he would change and I believed him. The cycle of him creating debts, lying, situation escalating until I finally find out and put it right has underpinned our life. I gave him hundreds of 'one last chances' to the point that the words were meaningless. He also has a problem with alcohol. When he's drunk he's nasty. We have had many nights end up with a big argument and him apologise. I don't drink now so that I can manage his behaviour without causing world war 3. He becomes selfish and appears to crave the single life when he's been drinking. He finally admitted this a few months ago and said he would stop drinking. So the latest escapade.... We went out with a few other couples last night. We had a great night, lots of fun and laughter with friends, then he decided to carry the night on with a friend while I went home. He was drunk (despite agreeing not to drink) there was no point in pushing him to come back with me because it would have caused an argument. When he got back a few hours later he shut himself in the bathroom. It was deadly quiet, I went to see what he was doing and he quickly put his phone in his pocket. He didn't tell me what he was doing, but did start a tirade of abuse... He doesn't like me, doesn't want to be with me, and a lot more x rated comments! It was so bad I recorded it to show him when he sobered up. He fell asleep, I looked at his phone to see what he was hiding. There was a message to another woman 'I've had a few drinks so will be honest. I'm only still married because I adore my kids. Don't want you to think I'm just flirting to have a fling. I think you're a beautiful woman and fancy you like hell'. He realised I saw this and woke up, we tussled on the bed for a while as he tried to take his phone off me. Then he full on punched me in my head before locking himself in the bathroom. Despite everything I remained the voice of reason and tried to calm him down. He woke up the children before threatening to beat me up, stab me and storming out of the house. Despite being drunk he took the car. It took 5 phone calls and a threat to call the police for him to come home. This morning I gave him a full account of what happened and played the recorded abuse. His reaction... He is unhappy. At least he didn't fuck anyone like I did (8 years ago). He has shirked all responsibility. He says he is unhappy because of us. I have changed, but I see that as a reflection of of life. Every time he has lied or hurt me a part if me has died. He won't acknowledged that and certainly has no remorse. The concept of emotional intelligence is completely alien to him. I don't even have hope for trust in our relationship because there have been too many broken promises. I can't let myself be the happy go lucky girl I once was because I have too much emotional baggage now. I feel like I have died inside because of what he puts me through. He doesn't care of comfort me when I'm upset. Every day is a struggling to put on a brave face and protect children from reality. He used to be kind, considerate, caring, thoughtful. He was a lovely person, still is to everyone but me and is an amazing dad. When did he become this angry monster? Did I do this to him by having an affair? If I did why did it take several years to manifest itself in our relationship? As I write this it seems obvious. The 'relationship' is dead in the water. So why can't I leave him? Why does it hurt so much and how do I deal with it? I really feel completely broken and don't know what to do. After all that he has put me through, the most painful thing of all is that he has contacted another woman. What does that say about me? I keep thinking about it, every time feel that there is a knife plunging through my heart and physically sick. He blames me for all problems. Am I being blind because really don't understand how... I have tried to look at things from different angles but can't see how this is exclusively my doing. I have accepted responsibility for my mistakes. Why don't I feel ready to give up on him yet? I have never used forum before but really feel stuck in a rut.

this forum really had me in tears because i somewhat went through the same thing you went through. I'm only speaking on the behave of the affair part...don't blame just yourself for everything. in a relationship or marriage, it's not an I, its an US. so he caused you to have an affair because he made you feel lonely and unhappy. but it takes two to work everything out. you did your part, it was just him, that didn't completely do his part. so don't blame yourself for everything. As far as what you should do, i honestly don't know. however, if i was you,i would either call old friends or family members to see if you and your kids can live with them for a few months until you get on your feet. because the last thing you want to do is for him to leave you with nothing or to start hitting on your kids. and also remember if a man hit you once, he surely can hit you again.