Can't put my finger on it

I am suffering with rather low self esteem & general feeling of inadequacy. The problem is in my marriage of yrs. My husband's behaviour is the general cause of this. I have found flirty sms's on his phoned where he spent time chatting to a female colleague while I waited at home for him. He plays poker weekly & gets home drunk. When I address any issues with him he reacts defensively & generally speaks in a loud aggressive manner. Money is used "unaccountably" with him. If I bring up something that is bothering me he says Im looking for problems & brushes me off. WE hardly go to bed together unless we get intimate (which I have to beg for) When he drinks there is no limit & he forgets his behaviour. We've had incidents of physical aggression. Problem is that when he apologies & tries to make a concerted effort to make things better I doubt him & 99% of the time its most a week before the next argument. Its exhausting me & weighing my loyalty down. I have these emotional moments where I just want to up & leave. I sometimes feel he has someone else. I just have no idea what to do anymore with him

Shawnte, your marriage is basically over if you don't have trust. When your husband does give you attention, it's usually in the form of abuse, one way or the other. Alcohol is playing a big part with your issue and if he forgets after he drinks, then there is more than a problem. Alcohol abuse causes untold damage to those closest to those who abuse it. His apologies are useless to you if he turns around and does the same thing the following week. It's just words. Your situation is more than grinding you down, it's taking you closer to the time when you need to sit your husband down in one of his lucid moments and give him the ultimatum of cleaning up his act or you will need to walk away. If you don't have trust, honesty, respect and communication in your marriage then it has become a one way street. Ask yourself where your self esteem would be if you were with a partner who respected you for who you are rather than someone who uses you for a doormat.

Thanks for replying Manalone. We have had many of those ultimatum talks. We have 3 kids together and I try my level best not to let them know when there are issues. My problem is that not knowing whats happening hurts me a lot. Sometimes I feel he not just needs his space but I feel that leaving him out all together will avoid confrontations. He does try to keep me happy but it isn't constant. When he tries he gives me hope. He says that I make him feel useless when I accuse him of being oblivious to my needs & esp when I point out his faults. He says he cant match up to my standards all the time. I really don't want this to be over. Ive put a lot into this marriage & am getting older. I really don't want to start over again & financially I cant afford to do so either. He has his own personally issues eg: Mom was married 3 times, his dad died before he was born so he never met his own dad, has step siblings that he treats as his own but the make him know he is the step brother , the first father figure also passed on , then a tumultuous relationship with his mum, his family's interference in our lives etc etc etc! I just feel that walking away is a let down and means I didn't try hard enough!! I just need that one person to show me love so I know I am worthy!