My relationships always end up the same way

hi everyone, i'm not really sure what my problem is, but it is to do with the fact that i always end up very unhappy in non-relationships. over the last year i have had a very rough time with men especially. this time last year i got involved with a guy who was not very nice at all. i didn't even really like him, but i ended up falling madly in love with him. he was only ever interested in me for sex. he 'liked' me, sure, but he was moving away and it was never going to be anything more. i guess i thought if i loved enough for the both of us i could make it work. he treated me terribly and then left me bereft. i am still not completely over him at all. but not long after him i met another guy. we were friends for a while because he told me he didn't have time for a relationship but for some reason i pushed it. i think it's because he was much kinder to me than the last guy. i think i wanted to be wanted after what i'd been through. over xmas i got what i wanted and we became more than friends, but then he went back to work and what he said was true, he hasn't had any time for me. i have gone a bit unstable with this and he has backed right off. because i think the last relationship was so awful, i have gone over board again. the thing is, the same thing keeps happening to me. i start with all the power- these men seem to really like me and want to be with me, and then as soon as we move into relationship territory they treat me worse than they did when we were friends/dating and want to get rid of me. i end up almost begging to be with these men who obviously have no time for me and don't want to be with me, even if they say they do. i end up giving and giving and never getting anything in return. ever. i sent him a valentines and didn't get one back. i just find myself constantly upset and let down and end up giving my dignity away. this new guy, i know he has treated me with disregard, but i have declared my love for him. i end up chasing these men around like a little puppy dog and i hate myself for it. i don't know what to do to make myself happy as i am constantly miserable and in the dark. i have never had a loving relationship and i am 30. they have all been one sided. i am an attractive, intelligent and loving person. i just don't know what to do anymore. i'd appreciate some kind words of wisdom. thank you.

You've basically given yourself words of wisdom in your post. We all thrive in a relationship where love and respect is reciprocated back to us. We all look for and choose a partner who respects this. In your case, you need to look 'inside' a man. You need to hone and fine tune your instinct. We all need to finish properly with one relationship before getting into another, otherwise we end up taking our feelings from one to another, rather than being refreshed and having a clear thinking head. If you go into a relationship where you let the guy take everything from you without returning anything, then you're most definitely going to end up feeling the way you do. Used and discarded. Low self esteem and a lack of confidence makes you vulnerable. Your need to be loved makes you an easy target for guys who just want the one thing. These sort of guys zero in on your vulnerability. You need to step back and retain your dignity. If you continue to go 'down' to these guy's level, then you have a long way to return uphill. While you let people walk all over you, you will always feel like the way you do. You will be, as you state, constantly miserable and in the dark. You state that you're an attractive, intelligent and loving person. You need to wait for the guy who 'sees' all of that. You need to be respected and treated the way you deserve to be. You need to be loved for who you are. And rest assured, Mindful, when this guy comes along, it'll have been well worth the wait.

thank you for your thoughtful insight Manalone, it's really very appreciated. i believe you are right about being a vulnerable target - this was especially the case with the guy i was seeing last year - but i am having more of a problem with this one because it has been ME. he is not blameless. he is thoughtless and self absorbed as i said, but i kind of knew this. he tried to spare me my feelings by saying he wanted to stay friends yet i persued him because i knew he liked me in that way. am i so desperate to be loved i will settle for anything? any of the crumbs? i feel like i will and i hate it. i think with this guy i saw real potential in him because he has some very nice qualities, but he doesn't seem to want to spend any time with me and he never listens to me. i feel i should stay silenced or i will be discarded as you say. i guess that's the crux of it. i'm not sure how to build my self esteem and confidence. it seems inbuilt! because of this i wonder if i really will ever find someone who appreciates my caring nature instead of always people taking what they can get instead. thanks

Mindful, your confidence and self esteem is there, it just needs to be bolstered. When we set ourselves a positive goal, we are being successful with achieving that goal. You posted on this forum, you are looking for answers...you are being positive simply by posting here. This tells us you have the confidence to do this. You listed three things in your post of which you are..intelligent, attractive and loving..these are some of your strengths. You need to list your achievements and other traits which you admire about yourself. This will help you regain your self esteem. When it comes to relationships, we use our instincts. We may like their body shape and looks but our instinct tells us something else about them. If their actions confirm what our instinct tells us then we usually go about getting to know them better. We look for values and standards similar to ours. The right man will accept you totally for who you are without question. You just need to look for the person who respects you for who you are. This person will allow you to keep your dignity and not just use you. He will be your friend first and foremost. He will boost your self esteem. The guy you spoke about had turned his back on you (although I sense he tried to let you down gently) but your loneliness made you pursue him only to end up right where you are now. You don't need to remain silent, you don't need to settle for crumbs because those people are beneath you. And, Mindful, to wish you were someone else is a waste of the person you really are.

thanks so much manalone, i hope i do have it in me! i know you're right, but as soon as i try to be assertive in order to 'boost' my self esteem i always end up back tracking, because deep down i feel like this person might be the one for me, i guess because i have a lower opinion of myself than i do of them. perhaps my instincts are screwed up! i hope you're right and i will find someone who sees my good qualities and doesn't make me feel this longing that i've become so accustomed to. i get so upset that it seems he would rather do anything else than spend time with me. a few weeks ago i was ill and we had plans. instead of bringing me some soup and tissues he said he wasn't coming because he couldn't afford to be ill at work. i have lost my own ability to judge whether i am over reacting or not. that made me feel like he didn't care for me, but am i being too sensitive? who knows.

His actions were speaking when he declined to look out for you when you were ill. His work related excuse is just that, an excuse. You weren't his priority. Your instinct was right. You need to be more assertive with yourself. You know who you are, but you're lack of self confidence stymies you. It's no use just continually looking and thinking "is he the right one"?...because when the man for you does come along, it'll be totally unexpected and it will 'blow you away'...but you will know it without even thinking about it. The right man will boost your self esteem and therefore your confidence because you will instinctively trust him. You will have no doubt. You will be his priority and he will be yours.

Thanks again manalone. I feel so silly and low sometimes. Like I said, it always ends the same! Thank you for your help and advice.