Married and lonely

I've been married for 13 years we got married fast because my mom was passing away and wanted to see me married. Then after my mom passed away we moved to reno I thought it'd be a good starting over kind of place. It was going good for a while our love life was good then I had a buddy of mine I thought of him like a brother to me and he stayed with us for about 6 months. Come to find out he'd be having sex with my wife near every day of those 6 months. I found out when I walked into the living room and saw them chatting to each other while sitting in the same room saying I wish I could pull you into my bed right now. Naturally I was furious and hurt and just downright crushed. I went off on a yelling tirade and tried to leave. He took off running because he knew better then to stay after betraying me like that. Needless to say it was a very very bad time. I knew something was up because we went from having sex from at least 3 times a week to 1 time every 2-3 months. Some months later she finally gave in and ended up pregnant with my son. (yes I'm sure he's my son) but the sex life just never made it back. Everytime we disagree about anything she literally with holds all intimacy and for the past 8 years I've always been the one to initiate it and literally have to complain for days on end before she finally gives in to give me any kind of relief and when she does it's more of a hurry up get it over with. I feel frustrated because I've talked to her about this many many times even told her it was killing us and that I wasn't made to live like a monk and that I refuse to. She has anger issues and yells at our son every time he does something she doesn't want him to do or he gets excited and hyper and plays. He has adhd and can be very hyper but she'll swat him over little things that just talking to him solves. I don't mind a spanking on him now an then (when he actually needs it) but most times just talking to him explaining why we say to stop this and what will happen she goes off the handle an smacks him hard. Most times she misses his lil behind an catches him in the lower back and the screaming has had me in tears. Most times I provoke her when she's screaming at him to turn her anger to me and then I keep provoking her but in truth the provoking is only me standing up for my son I tell her she needs to calm down she needs to stop yelling at him that's how her anger turns to me an starts yelling he needs to listen. He's 8 years old and a beautiful kid his heart is so pure and golden and I cant sit by an let her ruin him. He has the makings to be such a good man. Back on subject the last time I had relations with my wife was last year quite literally. Everytime I talk to her about it I even said we should get some counseling and she refuses to do it she just says i'll do better I promise i'll make it right and some times even writes a big letter saying exactly the same thing and that I'm her love and her best friend and such but honestly..... I feel like a paycheck to her. She swore that when he was in kindergarten that she'd get a part time job to help because living in a city on one income that's not the highest in any way shape or form is very difficult. Living paycheck to paycheck having to wreck my body with extra work just to make ends meet. He was out of kindergarten two years ago and she still hasn't gotten any part time job. She makes things better for half a month or so when she does the I promise i'll do better or make it work but after a month at the most it's back to the same thing she sits in the office at the other end of the apartment and my son and me are in the living room hanging out and either playin with his toys or watching a movie. Only time I see her is when she wants a drink or supper wich instead of actually just getting up she has me get it. I do 90 percent of all cooking after working all day and there's days my son tells me daddy I didn't have lunch. Makes me so mad because I cant fix it for him and be at work at the same time. The only thing she does is laundry. I know laundry isn't easy I've offered tons of times to take on doing the laundry as well. But she doesn't clean house at all leaves dishes in the office asks me to get them and to do dishes after I've worked all day. I'm just so tired and fed up of giving so much to this marriage and getting nothing in return. I try to love on her and she shrugs me off or I try to just get a kiss a simple peck on the lips when I get home to take lunch ad she ALWAYS turns her head so I'm kissing the top of her head and I've mentioned it bugs me daily. I've mentioned the lack of sex bugs me every few days because even now I don't want to pressure to get sex. I've raised my voice at my son a few times but only when I need him to know how serious the situation has gotten and that's after several attempts calmly redirecting him from whatever he's doing wrong. I feel like I'm a horrible person a horrible father and a horrible husband for just wanting the marriage to be what it's supposed to be. I feel horrible because I'm wanting to leave the situation but the big ticket on it is simply this. I cant leave without my son he is my life. there is very few that have seen how she treats him because she puts on this persona of being the perfect mom up until that door closes on the car or at the apartment then it's yelling all over again. I'm thinking of trying to talk to the neighbors to see if they've heard the yelling and screaming before just in case I need any witnesses to it. But I'm lost and don't know what to do from this point. I don't know if it's worth trying to save or if I should cut my losses find a way to keep my son and kick her out or take my son and go back to the woods I grew up in with the small town values I miss as well.

Baeter - promises, promises eh? What does she actually 'do' to contribute towards your marriage? Nothing. Why on earth did she stay when she and your now ex friend got caught? She obviously doesn't have much interest in being married nor its commitments, plus the sexual side of things... Which for you seems to be quite a big issue. She was happy when your ex friend was there and did what she was supposed to do? Or was she always the same only you've noticed it more since you've had your son. Wasn't the brightest of moves trying to keep this stagnant, dead marriage going for the sake of what? And then to bring a child into an unstable marriage was unfair on all of you but especially the kid. Well he's here now. I think what you should do is plan a boys week or two away and leave her to it. Don't get into a row, sort out his bag and his clothes, food etc plan it without the wife. Then make sure he has his meds if he's on anything, organise it really well. Then off you go and have a fab time. Think things through. See how you feel at the end of it and then make a decision as you've taken yourself away from the situation and I'm hoping it'll be a blinding revelation and you will know what to do. If you are gonna put up with this Saint Baeter you are a better man that I (even tho I'm a woman!) but if you decide enough is enough, off to a solicitor you go to find out what you can do should the need arise to leave. Don't involve anyone else at this stage. Hang fire a bit and see if you can sort your feelings out first. Meanwhile when she smacks your son you must intervene and tell her its wrong as it's not fair on him... You have to stand up for him as no one else will. Try and grab her arm before it makes contact with him and say don't you dare! I'll deal with this! I'm so sorry you are going through this but your son is the most important person and his needs must come first. BUT that doesn't mean to say you are not important you just have to find your way around it.

that'll be the hard part she wont want to let him and me out of her sight. The sex isn't the biggest part of the issues but I figure when I can count how many times on one hand for an entire year something needs done about it. I agree entirely my son is the most important thing in all of this. She wasn't supposed to be able to even get pregnant at all. Needless to say when I'm home the spanking and smacking usually doesn't happen it's when I'm at work for most part. the few times it happens when I'm at home I do say something and get mad about it. I just don't know if I can take any more of it. I want to take him and leave but I know if I do then 1 I cant leave the state and 2 in court the mothers usually win and I cant envision my life without him with me.

Discussion is not working and neither are promises. Okay, how about a little indirect method? Try little jealousy. Casually one day praise some friend's (or colleagues) wife. Say with awe "She is amazing, the way she takes care of the house! The house is so neat!" If its working you will find her working more on the home front. Another tool that can be used is embarassment. Pretend some friend made a casual remark on how the home was shabbily maintained leaving you embarassed. From what you say I understand her image is very important to her so should work. And please stop doing all her chores all the time! You can do it occasionally but it should not have to fall fully onto your shoulders while she just relaxes! The house will be dirty, let it be for a while. There will come a point when she forces herself to do it. Right now she knows if she doesn't do it and sits lazy, you will do it. Break that....just don't do it. If required tell her so that from tomorrow I won't be doing house work...I have lots of pressure at office and I get really tired when I reach home. As for your other two problems, they stem from lack of love in marriage. Just kissing or doing chores won't generate lost love. You have to talk to her and understand what is that she fantasies her partner to be. Even in the sexual front you need to ask her what she'd like to try different from what you guys are doing. Try your hand at Role plays may be? When she gets interested in marriage the taking care of your son also will get better. The last straw when nothing is working is a threat to choose between counselling or calling off the marriage. But before you do that collect proof may be in the form of CCTV camera footages? And some legal advice?