Just had to get this out

This may be a long topic. When I was little I never really learned how to talk to people or to make friends because we always moved around. So when I did get into school I kept to myself. I've always been the outcast kid no matter where I go. I was constantly bullied in school. I was fine, I made it through. Until I hit highschool. Sophomore year. I was always told no one loves me. Go kill myself. Go cut myself some more. One kid even tried to push me into a saw in shop class. I couldn't handle it once my parents left. My parents left to go trucking because there were no jobs available. I really did start cutting. Thinking terrible things of myself. Like my parents leaving was my fault. I felt abandoned. They left me with my brother. He's older and had a kid. The thing is he was always irresponsible. He always smoked pot and got drunk. He didn't pay any attention to his kid. He'd push him away. It got to the point where he'd leave early morning before I'd have to leave for school, and leave his son at home. He was only 2 at the time. I wasn't going to leave a 2 year old home by himself. So I basically gave up school to watch his kid. When my parents did come back it was because we were getting kicked out of the house we were in. Otherwise they'd still be on the road. I honestly feel like they don't believe me when I tell them I couldn't go to school because of my brother. They just kept making me feel like I didn't go to school just because I didn't want to. Like I'm just a big disappointment. I'm currently 19. I've had abusive relationships, controlling ones, cheating/lying. It's gotten to where I get easily attached to people who break my shell. Then they walk out and I get utterly crushed. Recently.. I was dating this guy named Jake. Was almost 2 years ago. I started dating him shortly after my parents came back. He made everything seem to just go away. I admit that I love/loved him. He was perfect up to a point. He just up and changed. He would yell at me a lot. Would make everything out to be my fault. Then during the time of our relationship we took two "breaks" The first one was because I felt like he was texting other girls too much. And he had nude pictures from his past relationships that I wanted him to delete. I felt like he was cheating. So we took our break. He hooked up with another girl, thinking I didn't know. Then we got back together. (I know, horrible choice) But I couldn't help it. I utterly love/loved him. But then a few months ago (around october) he decided he wanted another break. This being our second one. He said it was because I kept making him mad. He told me this by text. I was living with him at the time. He sent me a text saying " I think we need a break. I want you to be out of the house by the time I get home. Leave the key." So basically I had to pack what I could and find somewhere to stay. His xbox friend started messaging me on fb saying how he missed me and Jake being together. Told me he'd try to help solve our problem. So he'd tell me what was up with Jake every now and then. Then one day he just up and told me Jake was interested in another girl. So I took that as my queue to just try to get over it and move on. So I did try. Black Friday I met someone while I was shopping. We clicked a little and I thought to myself that maybe I should try dating him. Maybe that was what I needed to get over Jake. It didn't work at all. It just made me miss him even more. But I came to find out that Jakes friend... was lying to me about him being into another girl. So AFTER I found out he was lying, Jake had tried to move on as well. He met a girl, they started dating. He messaged me about a week ago asking me to text him. So I did. He basically wanted to talk to me about his gf problems. How she wants to break up with him and he doesn't know what to do. May I add, she changed him. He wouldn't drink a drop of alcohol. He didn't smoke at all. But she got him drunk, and now he has an E-Cig. He won't even shave like he use to because of her. So anyway, we talked about it for a bit. I told him what I thought after he told me about her. He said that he wasn't in love with her, but she did give him a different happy feeling. He said she's been in and out of relationships since she was 15. I told him that she isn't ready for something real like he wants. I told him that he let her change him. That she was basically just using him until she found someone else she found interesting enough to date. Because that's how I see it. She changed him to what she wanted then decided she didn't want it anymore. And walked out. He's heartbroken. I've hung out with him twice. Trying to cheer him up. But it's hurting me so badly. I still have those feelings for him. He hugged me. Cuddled with me. It brings back the good memories and it hurts so bad. I tried telling him to not dwell on a girl that just changes him and moves on. That she isn't the type to settle down right now. To find someone who he truly loves and someone who can love him for him. I made myself depressed. I want to be with him again. Even though there was bad things. A lot, I miss the good things more. I just don't know what to do. I told him how I felt. He says he still wants me, but I said not the same way. Then he basically just gave me ":/" So.. yeah. Just had to get that out there. It's crushing me, driving me insane, making me depressed.

hi , there is alot going on there for you. relationships are very complex indeed. The most important relationship is the one you have with yourself. Its a life long thing and you cannot really leave yourself, be kind to yourself and all the things you did for him, supporting him, considering, listening, hugging, showing care. Give all of it back to yourself , listen to you, you were hurt, replaced, messed around, did he acknowledge that? If it is not equal them run for hills, make some female friends and enjoy looking after you. Forget him.

Hi Sadpanda, you've really been through a lot, especially with your family. I'm a professional counselor and I've worked with many people with different types of issues... and one thing i noticed is that people who had a rough time growing up (abuse, neglect being bullied) usually have a lot of trauma and ends up having thinking and behavioural problems that usually invite the same kinds of troubles in their lives later; it becomes a cycle. For example it is often that people who have been abused unconsciously ends up in abusive relationships; and people who have not been treated well growing up becomes drawn to relationships where they are not treated well. Basically we attract the experiences that we're used to and familiar with, even though they're not good for us. It's a bit complicated to explain here but I would highly recommend this book: Reinventing Your Life by Dr. Jeffrey Young. It's an eye-opener to many of my clients who had read it and it helped them. I think it would also help if you have somebody to talk to, either a therapist or a friend/someone you can trust. Take care and all the best. By the way, this guy really doesn't sound good for you even though your heart is pulling you to him.