Should I divorce

Married for almost 40 years. Three kids—all grown. Own business—reasonably secure financially. Wife excellent homemaker and helps with the business. Not a lazy person. She is reasonably attractive and in shape. I am an engineer-inventor 1. Wife decided our sex life was over 7 years ago. 2. She will not so much as kiss me 3. Never uses a term of endearment 4 sleeps in another room 5 obtained a dog though we had never had one before despite my objections 7 routinely mocks me- makes fun of my forgetfulness—I have always been. 6 Other women find me attractive and I feel like I am being drawn into something because of my unfilled marriage- I have never cheated on my wife nor do I believe she has ever cheated on me. 7. To our friends things seem outwardly fine I find the stress horrible, I want to start over with someone that will at least hold my hand, laugh with me, wants to be near me. I am 62 and have had the thought of a divorce many times. But I feel I made a promise to her that I should not break. But I also feel time is running out. I am in good health and would love to spend the rest of my life with someone that loves me.

1. I believe your wife has also crossed her menopause. There are hormonal changes in women and this could explain her reason for lack of interest in sex. 2. May be her upbringing looks down on display of affection? 3. For some this does not come easily ...again may be dependent on upbringing. (I also have this problem) 4. Is there some underlying issue here like the requirement of mutually agreeing temperature for sleeping is different or snoring and sleep issues? I have seen many a couple shift to different rooms as they grow older. May be you should try talking to your wife telling her how all this is eating into you? 5. Its probably that she wants an experience of a pet? She also has only one life to experience all she wants to, isn't it? 6. You are right that you are being drawn in due to feeling unfilled. Speak out to her openly on how empty you are feeling. 7. She must have mocked you earlier on in your marriage too but it hurts more coz of the other issues. Concentrate on solving them first. Explain to her that in privacy atleast I require my hand to be held, a hug atleast, spend time with me. Explain to her that I feel that my whole being is mocked at. If she is taking it lightly, explain to her that this is serious, its getting into me so much that I am even considering to move out. You can't give up totally without making a last try, isn't it?

We have had the conversation regarding these issues for years. You are right about snoring--I can accept that . But this complete retraction of affection is so painful. we have discussed it often and her basic answer is "live with it". But I do not want to. Everytime I see a happy couple laughing- holding hands- it hurts. I feel like a prisoner. She is like the dog in the manger to me.

I just turned 63 and left my wife 2 years ago for less than what you are dealing with. I had made my mind up when I moved out but still agreed to counseling and Imago therapy (a very effective communication process). I, like you, didn't feel loved and I didn't think I could "dictate" you need to love me. Her mother was very "stingy" with her affection and I feel that was passed on to the children. I'm in a relationship now that is very satisfying yet there are still issues to deal with, some that I've carried for years.

I am 5'11" and weigh 190lbs, swim almost everyday and take pride in my appearance. I guess I am just starting to feel the clock running out and want to get as much out of life I can. she will not see a doctor-that upset her more. I do not want to leave her--maybe bringing this dialog to the surface instead of quietly suffering might do some good.

BNOVUS, I think you're right about bringing this dialogue back to the surface. You want to spend the rest of your life with someone who loves you -- of COURSE you do. And I'm sure your wife wants that as well. Wouldn't it be great if you two could be those people for each other again? To rekindle that love and passion after so many years? If, on the other hand, talking amounts to nothing, she must not want the same kind of life you do. If that's the case, you should end it. You deserve to be happy. But I think you'll only be happy if, in the end, you know you tried your best to salvage this relationship, with all its history.

Spruce up the love life as much as you can. It takes a matter of 90 seconds and 4 minutes to decide if you fancy someone. 55% of the interest takes place in body language, 7% with what you say, and 38% is through the speed of your voice. This means that almost 40 years ago, it more than likely took 90 seconds and 4 minutes for you and your wife to develop a strong attraction, as well as connection with each other. Marriages are obviously a two person team, but sometimes it takes a bit of effort from one side in order to motivate the other. In this case, it seems as if you guys have had a relatively good marriage, you are both very faithful, this is a very good sign. Focus on the fact that you have both stayed faithful- don't get drawn into an affair, and if you can help it, don't file for an expensive divorce. If you've been married for 40 years it's blatantly clear that you have been through the natural up's and down's of marriage, getting to know each other, etc. Marriages tend to fail because people stop doing what they did in the very beginning. This doesn't mean dress the same way you did when you were 22 and ask her to go get drunk at the local bar, this means treat her* the same way you did 40 years ago. Compliment her, buy her flowers, and let her know how you're feeling. The lack of communication is one of the biggest doorways to developing an affair with someone else. Don't speak in an arrogative tone when expressing yourself (natural defense mechanism), try asking her if she'd like to go out, if she says no, let her know that you booked a dinner at the best restaurant in town. Basically, your wife will become the same flirty, charming woman she used to be if you do the same. Start slowly, and progressively bring your marriage back to the way it used to be. It's a process, but it's worth it if you want to save your marriage. Marriages CAN be saved! If she's unresponsive to your efforts, try seeing a counselor, show her that you want the marriage to work. Show her that you both are capable of being happy together. As a last resort, start discussing divorce. hope this helps! -AshBell http://www.reconstructyourmind.com

Maybe romance. But seven years of rejection. By that I mean pushing my hand away when I try to hold. Any act of intimacy is spurned. Over the last 6 months she has actually swore at me—she had never done that before. In a moment of emotion she screamed she hated me. She immediately caught herself a said she did not mean it. I let the argument go. I told her – latter that if she really hated me why stay? I told I would support her. But she will not answer the question. She was very warm to me for a few days and things went back as they were. When we visit our daughter’s family, it is strange, she sits next to me, cuddles and puts on a good show. But when we are alone-things go back to the way they were. She is intelligent, well read and when we are with friends-she once again treats me well. But I cannot get her to tell me what is wrong- what am I doing that is bothering her? I see no end. I feel like I am walking on eggs when I am near her.

I do understand it is very painful staying day in and day out with someone you love but makes you feel that you are not being loved. From what you just said, sure she has issues which she has not spoken to you about. Built up anger over the years which she has tried to push under the carpet and tried to forget but of course it has boiled over in this fashion. (Again that is common in long term marriage) Speak to her. Like Beehive put it, ask her are you happy with this kind of life? Wouldn't it be better if we can put lots more love and happiness into our marriage? I am going to try seriously and to start with here is a present for you. (Give her something she likes...jewellery, handbag, dress...anything she likes). For a while set aside your rejection and anger. After all decide whats more important to you .... your promise or your anger. You want to give your promise a full chance right? Next do little things like buy her, her favourite food, cook something special for her. Show her unexpected care .... over the years you might have fallen into a fixed care pattern...break it.....care for her where she least expects you to. If she likes travelling...take her out on a holiday. Take out old albums .... refresh memories of good times. See I know you would be thinking I am not getting what I need, how can I give her? But its often what you give that you will get back...so if you show love and care...there is every chance it will come back to you. You might have already tried but the method might have been wrong. Try differently this time...not things that you have already tried.

after fairly intense dialog- there is no compromise- no flowers-she wants a divorce ASAP. She is moving out- I am just remaining supportive but after 40 years -you must know your own heart. I am not surprised by the outcome-while uncertain about the future for both of us- what was could not continue. I am uncomfortable--I am sure she is- but what do you do but move forward into a future neither planned. I am sure in today's world that Is happening more often than most think. While only married once-my Father told me he had to start his life over again three times. So this will be two for me and likely another beginning to come.

Hmm....thats sad....yes but as you said its common in todays world. We have all become more impatient and more uncompromising than older generations. Even inside the marriage with the same partner we have to constantly keep working at it or like you put it, work on it as if you are starting anew. Anyway look at the positive side of it, you can surely find someone who will love and respect you more for who you are!

Not over yet. we are together again. I guess this is/was the most severe break-up we had. slowly I think we both knew we did not want to leave but both realized what was can not continue. For now it feels good. If only it can sustain.

Hey thats great news! It can sustain! Try the suggestions we gave one by one with gaps in between. Try to get your relationship back on track. Listen to her issues and try to work on them. She has built up issues(and anger) over the years. Will be difficult to undo it all but surely you both can work on most of them. All the best!