Letter to my mother

I have drafted the following letter to my Mother, its self-explanatory really just need some views and opinions before I post it!". My Dear Lovely Mother... I have been thinking about this letter for some considerable and significant time now, my problem has been trying to write it in the right frame of mind, and of course to minimize any unnecessary and mangled hurt (not easy at all). I do appreciate, that you will need someone to read it to you, which may be a good thing; you should not be on you're own when the contents are revealed in full, and of course, I have no idea how you're health is - do hope you are well!”. This may be quite a long letter, so let me get to the point. The relationship between you and I - and as you well know has (very regrettably) broken down, and being honest, yes I broke it. I feel you need to know why, and I feel it is very important to express myself in my own words why this has happened with an explanation. In doing so I will do what I have never done with you before, and that is to totally open up and say the things not only what I feel but what I truly believe, without any harm intended to anyone, least of all to you. You very well know that I took exception, and there is only one word for it “barred” from Dad’s funeral - and still I feel gutted and disembowelled and unable to get over it. I do not accept that the reasons that you gave are or were justifiable. Some points you made need clarification from me on my part, because I feel very strongly about them and of course, you do need to know, as it would be cruel and hurtful, a great deal more to me not to attempt do so. My first point is this; you have said that I did not get on with Dad - there is truth in that it has to be said ... Undeniably. However, let me put it another way - we did not always get along, and it cuts two ways or it did not?” Regrettably, the past is dragged up (when it should have been put to bed a long time ago) and even when after years of staying and being away, this along with other history is used. So in this letter I am going to go through some of it, because it’s ludicrous that anyone should use it against me time and time again distortedly. And of course, bearing in mind, that Dad is no longer here to speak up for himself, so I will keep to established facts. I don’t think Dad liked me that much, not being his biological offspring. It may have been difficult for him at times I do suppose, bringing up another man's child is never easy for some men. I feel that he was unnecessarily unpleasant and disagreeable many times over the years. I had no loving relationship with him, he was no role model to me, a person looked to as an example to be imitated and that was not for me!” At times, I hated him (sadly) and the way he behaved and treated me, and I must add not just me but others too. On two occasions he hit me with his fists in the face when I was no more than a boy of 17 and he a fully grown man. You may remember he was dragging you down the stairs by the heir on one of his drunken nights. There was more but why after all these years should I go through it all, as far as I was concerned he could be nothing more than a bully and tyrannize his entire family. His behaviour (at those times) affected everyone. What he did to me was nothing really, I was always concerned about what he was doing to you and his own kids, we are just lucky it did not come to me hitting him, because there were times I felt like I was going to do it, just glad I did not. I do admit that I challenged him and many times. And the most famous time was the funeral of Granddad, at his wake and in front of all his family but let us not forget everyone had been drinking (I don’t offer that as an excuse). I have given this much thought and contemplation over the last few months, and I have to say, if I had to do it again, I would and without hesitation to anyone that was like him. So some of his family did not like it - so - I don’t really care! I told you, that if you had asked me not to behave like that, and I had been able to attend Dad’s funeral, I would have done so (and there was no reason why I would behave like that) - but you had no “faith” in me!” Which has been bugging me so much over the last few years. As time went by, of course Dad changed and for the better - that’s good, but can't say that I appreciated it that much as I was never around to experience that, but I do believe it!” The very point in regard to Granddad - how can anyone use what had happened over twenty years beforehand to bar me?” But you did, and being told by you in the manner that you did has meant it is the right decision on my part to make a break with you, why, because you hold me in so “low” regard!” - to think poorly of me, this I can see very clearly. What has made this whole situation much worse, and as far as I am concerned, is that eight years ago on New Years Day I made my peace with Dad, I took his hand and thanked him for everything he had done for me - maybe he accepted it (he said he did) maybe he did not - I don’t know, but on my part, it was very much meant and the right thing to do, and that’s all that matters to me. I don’t think badly of him and to remember him, my very good friends the Monks of Canning Town, have said prayers for him on my request a few times. If I may say so: – Dad has been gone now for some years, in my heart I am sure that he never really intended to hurt anyone, it's just the way things were with him at times, and he should be allowed to rest in peace now, and for all the negative things I've said about him there are of course equally many lovely things if not more that we can all remember him for and be thankful that he came into our lives!” Being banned from his funeral, did it for me, it took time (trying to work it all out) but I just felt that was it - no more!” Buying me a computer, paying for my train fare up on a visit shortly after his funeral is not accepted, and it was wrong on my part to have taken them (gifts and money) off you, and I wish I had not!” I did not come up to see you last year, because I felt I could not, so I took the tickets back and got my money back. I have now come to the conclusion in all honesty, that enough is really just that... enough!” It’s best that I don’t come and see you, this is a very hard thing to have to say to you and at your age, but you know, you are a tough women and I am sure you can handle it. The truth is we have grown very much apart over the years, I am not close to you any-more and you are not to me, it’s not miles that divide us but much more, It’s very hard to put my finger on what it is, but, don’t ever think that it’s your fault alone - for it’s not. I did say at the beginning that I would open my heart to you and say the things I feel!” You’re own life has been a hard one, that I very much understand, don’t underestimate my sincerity. I do understand this. A young beautiful (very young) women in Germany with a child and some blockhead, that’s a stupid, irritating and ridiculous man (my real father) giving you grief, you had to get away, you had to protect a child, you had to protect yourself, so cutting the story short, you married and came to England and as they say the rest is now history. I cannot but feel... very grateful for everything you have done - Thank you!” As I said we have grown very much apart (unfortunately, but true), more to do with me possibly and not being able to handle the situation, and the feeling of being alone in a world on my own. So just one or two things more to say and then I must bring this letter to an end. I don’t think that you ever understood me, more like misunderstood!” I can of course, forgive you now, but whatever I did or did not do at school was my choice, I did not give a shit what any teacher expected of me, all that school has been anywhere in the world is a place to brainwash kids (my own opinion) - you will disagree with me, and that is just another reason why we are so far apart. Of course, people can have different views and still be close, but not us it seems, your problem not mine – any-more!” And none of the above is meant to be a criticism of you, I don't have such thoughts, just standing by what I believe as a freethinker and my own person, an individual whose opinions are formed on the basis of an understanding and rejection of tradition, authority or established belief – That is me, all my life and my choice!” Never my intention to hurt anyone, but now I realised that you have been al-along my biggest critic that is a real shame!” Stephen Fry once said: “Imagine, you get to Heaven and St Peter asks what you did with your life and you say, 'Oh I just said what other people did wrong!'" This letter has taken me a long time to compose, to tell you the truth I have sat on my own in front of this computer that you bought me “crying, thinking and agonising” about it all; but at the very end of the day I have to tell you the truth as I see it, and that hurts me more 50+ years on in life, to think that I got it wrong about you, it seems to have come all to easy, to have digs at me or sadly in the case of Dad to blame and sanction me – but you have – well that's life I suppose, and as you once said “life is cruel”. I have done my level best to write this letter intentionally trying “not” to hurt you, but by the time you get this far, you may feel hurt, and yet you know, life has instilled in me the understanding, that truth hurts more than anything?” I am hoping, I can find where to leave my hurt behind, and it is with this letter which has taken me a few days and much hurt to write, hopefully very carefully to someone I always held in very “high” regard! This has been the biggest thing I have had to do. In doing so I have had to analyse a great deal, that by the way that is what a freethinker dose a lot of. Anyhow, it is with a real sense of relief and understanding that I will move on, meaning, that my ties with you are being released and for the best, because I will not tolerate being blamed and painted so deep black, unfairly in the eyes of others by you or anyone for that matter. You really don't know me, you think you do, but I tell you respectfully “you don't”. And that very fact is good enough for me to call the time on our relationship, we don't have one, and the one we did was not really a harmonious one, well that's all in the past now. So for God's sake don't beat yourself-up just except what I am saying to you (not what I am trying to make you think, you do that) move-on from this letter and forget about me, I have now had may say!” I very much love you for the person you are... believe it or not, you are my mother - always will be and nothing can change that even if you don’t (and I am not saying you don’t) love me - but now in Scotland you have a wonderful family that love and need you very much more, an extended family a new generation that you must really concentrate on, you have all those around who really do love you and there is no room for me (my time has gone), believe me and do except that, enjoy the things you have but please, do it without me and with my blessing. Don’t contact or have anyone else contact me I cannot take that (otherwise, its best to keep away), just get on with life and please, very much without me - Thank you!” Just one more thing to be said... wherever I am in the world and as long as I live... I will think of you... as I have always...with affection...glad that you have been... and remain my Mother!”

Thank you SUSIEDQ That puts it into real prospective, have been thinking along the same lines, but emotions got in the way. The letter is not going to be sent.

Jim, there is so much of hurt and pent up anger flowing in your letter. Lots of it stems from lack of basic understanding as to what a mother is. You might have seen many mothers who are all praise for their children but all mothers are not same. Some are tough mothers. Like you mention your mother left your father to protect you. Thats what a mother is. She wants the best for her child...wants to protect her child. She went through ill treatment from your step father...why...for her kids. So that they will have a secure future. She sacrificed for you all. Is it easy to bring up a child who walks against set beliefs and rules? No. By you standing against society (I do not say you were wrong in doing so) ever imagined what she must have faced in society? How people must have hurt her each time saying wrong things about her child? That child whose eyes she looked into when born and said to herself I will try and get the best for you? Ever imagined what must have she undergone each time you stood up against your father in public? Asides from the treatment she must have got from your stepdad for your behavior, what would the people around have said to her? When she banned you from the funeral, you saw the hurt she gave you...what about the hurt she has undergone to even say that you are banned?? What about the hurt she has undergone when her expectations about you crashed? May be in time you must have changed just like your stepdad but how was she to know? You talk about her not trusting you....did you maintain her trust in you with your actions? You stopped regular communications and visits to her because you are stuck up in your own ego bubble. When the time has come to show her you are changed, when the time has come to show her how much you love,care and appreciate what she has undergone to protect you...you want to cut off from her because you can't get over your ego??? You both are stuck in a hurt cycle....not healthy at all. Break that cycle. Give her love and care and you will get back the same. By cutting off from her you will give her hurt and for a little time it will give you a small joy....but what about in the long run? It will only get you further hurt. By cutting off from her you will prove you have not changed from the person who cares a damn about anyone. You are the same person who will criticize people on the face at a public funeral. Are you? No?...then its time to prove that you care, not time to prove that you can hurt again and again. Put the past behind. Life is short to remain in negative emotions. Tomorrow you might regret this decision and then again it might be too late to correct it.

Thank you SHIVANGI for you contribution. I very much appreciate it, but it is far off the mark. I did not post a letter on here that was intending to send to my Mother to find supporters. I did it because I feel like I have been walking through a minefield of misunderstood hard to handle emotions, sending that letter may do more harm than good especially as she is 78. I have to think what I am doing, it is not going to be sent. I may not be a Mother but I am a Father of two grown up children, my oldest is in her thirties so I know a little about parenting. But one point I must take up. “She went through ill treatment from your step father...why...for her kids”. Are you real no one should put up with violence especially a woman from a man, how many women have been killed by their partners or husbands I do not know only God can tell us, and why should children be put through such traumatic domestic violence?” From my own experience of my half brother and two sisters it leaves scars and does not help them in there own lives and of course, relationships. The rest of your post is just nonsensical rubbish but thank you.

Thank you SUSIEDQ a very lovely reply

Jim, I do not support domestic violence or abuse in any form. Have fought it in my own marriage, leave alone others. Why I said that was, Neither can I nor can you change the past but what we can do is try and understand why she suffered it in silence....just tried to put in a female perspective.

hi , I just wanted to say that I cried while reading your letter. I also would like to thank you for having the courage to write it down. I think you should burn the letter, when you are ready tear it up , but for you and only you, let it go. I think this is a turning point for you. You have been through alot and you survived it....you are a survivor, you are a fighter, and a free spirited man,that is what is important, I want you to know how proud I am of you and I do not even know you. Everything is exactly where it is meant to be. All any one can do is your best with the cards that a dealt to us. If you have access to youtube this song is appropriate for you... http://youtu.be/8ehhZ53zysQ enjoy the rest of your life ......

Hi Jim, It is a good choice not to send it. Its is a even better concept to have written down your thoughts and feelings on paper, to let the hurt out and confusion that this matter must have been causing you all these years. It puts emotions into perspective and allows one to eradicate the negative emotions that must have been poisoning your soul, and hopefully it has brought you some peace in life. I'm a strong advocate of sorting ones emotional shit out, in order to move forward positively and embrace life, love and joy that one must experience in order to fulfil ones role in life, and ENJOY it, to the advantage of others as well. Here's hoping that your upbringing can be totally be put in the place where it belongs, and not affect your relationships with the people in your life, and always realise that even when we feel most alone, there are those who possibly feel more alone than you could possibly know. By your own understanding of this alone place, I wish on you the ability to reach out to others in your life who need it the most, including your mother, letting by-gones be, and one day soon, just take the courage to see your mother, embrace her with all the love you have for her, and let her know it. We are here, simply to feel that love, fulfil it, and SHARE it!

I think you should listen to the song again....... let go of the past its done!!!! You don't need your biological mum, the compassion that you have already expressed comes through your letter .... You are clearly a person with real depth despite it all. Walk tall and proud, its over, this is your time now.