To let go or not to let go

Heyy! Okay, so I am an Indian, who had lived in japan till 5th grade. After I moved to India, I fell in love in 6th grade. I know most of you would say "Puppy Love", and i want to think it is..but it isnt. We were together till 9th grade mid, and relationships for me are aways intense. I though tI would marry him, and never stop loving him, and would marry my first love. The fantasy I had gotten from incessantly reading Nora Roberts novels, and wanting a sense of stability because I come from a family in which my brother is emtionally unavailable, and parents fight every second of the day but refuse to get a divorce, because it goes against the "indian customs". Let me also tell you that parents finding about about relationships was hell. My parents found out twice, and I had to break up ( I still dated him). Then one day, he suddenly stopped talking to me. like suddenly. At first i thought it was a joke, and he was playing. But, he stopped looking at me, started to insult me .started telling people that i was mental. But the night before he had told me he loved me..the least he could have done, was to give me closure and tell me the reason. I spent 9 months of my life hoping he would come back, and kept giving him the benefit of doubt. He humiliated me, insulted me and did everything possible to ruin my life,WITHOUT giving me a reason. Until, my best friend came into my life again. He was always a person who made me laugh and I was deeply attached to him. Even though, we had big gaps ..we always had that connection. Hes always been a shy and introvert guy, which is why I would always call him "shy guy" and he would call me “fatty” (cause I loved eating, but wasnt fat) In this stupid way,we started flirting. I never thought I would flirt with a guy randomly, but then that butterflyish feeling came in. I realized that he started resting his head on my shoulder, and holding my hand. I couldn't breathe and I wanted more. I started looking forward to his texts, and loved the fact that I was the only one he could open up to..Ofcourse, My personality contradicted his , I was always jabbering while he patiently listened. He said he loved listening to me. Soon we had late night conversations on the phone. His parents and house is really conservative, and he would make sure everyone went to sleep , and then call me. Our talks would go till 3 30 in the morning, and we still couldn't get enough of each other. We had our first hug on valentines day, but since we didnt want to admit to each other, we called it “best friend affection”. But the feeling grew intense everyday. He hated V (my first love) for what he did and never wanted to hurt me. Things were going well as they were, and then he finally admitted to his feelings. We had our first kiss..first make out session, and I started to love him even more deeply. He has always had a logical and introvert mindset, and was really influenced by his father who thought “girls were the worst distraction”. Sometimes, he wanted to listen to his dad, but he said loving me was instinctive. My first love tried to get me back, and said he never stopped loving me..but I loved J too much to leave him.Until I had to move back to Japan, for the IB. The plan was to move for 3 years, and he said I should take the opportunity, cause it was the best international school in japan, and I would have great prospects for my future. He said that he would wait for me, and tiill then we would be “super bestfriends”. I was really scared about losing him, because I really really really wanted this to work. He assured me..but since he was an introvert, he started to prepare himself for my absence by trying to avoid me..(We always had the same classes..tutitions. And lived 2 minutes away) I gave him space, and on the last day we met at his house, and he cried and kissed me. After I reached Japan, things were pretty normal, until his exams started. He randomly went off whatsapp without telling me, for 26 days, during which I was in the hospital due to intense and severe lower back pain. I wasnt fitting in. I was depressed...It was living hell...my parents kept fighting, and I had noone to turn to. When he came back on whatsapp, all he said was “ I am sorry and noone told me” When I asked him to call...he simply said “ I cant” I kept telling myself it was because of his parents ( who were very strict) plus, it was his board year. In indian schools, how you do in your 10th grade final examinations ( A state exam) determines our college. I kept convincing myself, but I realized that he was just avoiding me! I tried to ask our friends to talk to him, but he just wouldn't! When I went to visit India in Dec, I went to my old school. All my old friends were leaping on me, but he just stood there, not knowing what to do. I tried talking to him in the break, he was just point blanc in his answers, and when I tried to hold his hand he took it away. I let it be, but was very hurt by his reaction. He didnt call me,..until I finally told one of his close friends to get an answer out of him...he admitted to his friend that “It was over before she left” !! Even though we agreed to remain “super bestfriends” we still acted like a couple for awhile, and bffs dont ignore each other when the other is in a hospital! I agree I got a bit crazy, cause I was depressed and in a really bad state...and my family even decided to move back to India after 10th grade.. I told him this news, and he didnt even respond on text ! Later that night, I sent him a msg saying that I was strong enough to get something big once, I was strong enough to do it again! ( even though I was lying) I said we could be friends like before . The next day he sent me a text asking me if I could meet him at his house, since his parents were out. I was shocked...i agreed, but his granny came so I couldn't go. He tried to call me to his house a number of times, but I was always at the doctor or hospital cause of my back. I so badly wanted to go :( But..i couldn't. Then on the 20th of December, they had a school trip to Imagica.! I was allowed to go with them..I thought he would be with me since he had been trying to call me to his house for the past few days. On the day, he acted as if I was just another person, until I went and sat next to him. He didnt talk to me, just sat there. I tried to make conversation, and tried to make him laugh. It was an epic fail. I slowly held his hand. He didnt stop me. I put my head on his shoulders. Tears fell down my eyes, but I didnt let him see. He just looked out the window and like he was in...agony. He was there physically, but something was missing emotionally. During the trip, he was ONLY with his friends. Not with me. While coming back, he continued to stay with his friends, and I was sitting in the back. I couldn't take it anymore. I didnt know what was going on. So I went up to him and asked him if I mattered. He said I DID. I was confused. I asked him why he called me to his house, he said he didnt know. He said he only wanted to concentrate on his studies, and did not want to go against his parents at all. He said that there was no other girl, (which I believed cause he literally stopped talking to every girl after I left). He also said he couldn't handle too much of a responsibility. He said that there would be no other girl after me, and he would get married wherever his dad tells him to. (Arranged Marriage) I asked him to make up his mind once and for all, and to look me in the eyes and say that he didnt love me. He said it. But after that, he sat alone for the whole trip, looking out of the window. I felt heartbroken, but he had decided. The next day, I felt guilty for putting him in such an awkward position, and agreed to be his bff. We met once before I left. (HE wanted to meet in a private place) , and we kissed, and hugged and made out. He is not the kind of guy to play with someones feelings. Although he didnt admit any feelings, I thought it was just a start. When I was leaving, he called me, to wish me a safe trip. I thought things would get back to normal, and agreed to leave him alone till his boards. But, one day injapan, my parents fought soooooooo much, I needed to talk to him, and called him after 15 days. He cut. After his preliminary exams, he came backon whatsapp and face book ( He was off it since 3 months) .He didnt message me. I dont know what is happening me. What was the kiss,,and hug for???? I really really really love him, and cant let go! Do you think he will come back to me after his boards...Most people think he will, as soon as the pressure is released. But I dont know how to be me without him..

You seem to be looking for someone to fill that hole your parents and family is leaving you. Their inavailablility of attention and lack of showing love. Your partner seems to have gone hay-wire for god knows what reason. And so, you turn to your best friend. Who flips your switch on and off. All in all, focus on school first. I sincerely hope you find what your looking for. Sometimes love is there...we just don't see it, because it comes in ways we don't expect. Family still loves you. Probably so does that partner. And so does your best friend. Good luck. Cheers, - A.