How do I move on?

Here goes... I met a guy about 6 years ago, instant attraction. I tried not to fall for him, but I did. In a big way. Since then we have had an off again on again long term casual thing, always on his terms. By this I mean that whenever I saw him, it was always him wanting to see me. I would contact him and sometimes not get a reply for days, whereas he expected a response in minutes. I know that for part of this time he was in a relationship - I'm not sure if I saw him whilst he was. I could never understand why we had nothing more than we did - we got on well, both intelligent, talking was easy (except about "us") sex was good. He always seemed happy when he was with me. I have known for some time that it wouldn't work out, but he always managed to talk me into seeing him. I have tried to end it several times and I think I finally did last weekend. But now all I want is to be with him. I hate that I can't move on and meet someone else and if he was to call me tonight, I would see him because I miss him so much. I hate that I'm so weak, I have never put up with this from anyone else, so why him? I can't talk about it to my friends because I know what they'll say, I would say exactly the same! I feel so alone. I wish I'd never met him.

Becka, you've tried moving on before. You instinct tells you there is no future with this guy. He has controlled you and used you over a 6 year period, a pretty substantial chunk of your life. You've felt obligated to be 'loyal' to him because of the hold he has over you but all you've ended up with is misery and confusion. While you have allowed him to manipulate you, he has dragged you down to his level. You're not even sure if you were the 'other woman' at times with this guy. Yes, he's intelligent and easy to talk to but he's also a schemer who's avoided the big question with your relationship. Why would you continue to be with a guy who can't give you the predictability you need in your life? You need to stay true to yourself after breaking up with him and remain positive in the knowledge that time will allow you to move on from this guy. Ignore him and cut him out of your life. Easy to say, I know, but if you acknowledge him again, regardless of how much you miss him, you will find yourself back where you are now....miserable and lonely. You deserve someone who respects you and someone who shares your values and standards. While you allow this guy in your life, you'll never find that man who truly wants and needs you. Be kind to yourself Becka, and step away from this guy for good.

I'll say this much for you: It's great that your question is not "should i move on?", but "how..." That's a huge step in the right direction, but it doesn't help if no one has the answer, right? I've felt that way before, and i may not have THE answer, but who says i can't try :P Now, you said you think about him a lot, and you feel as if you love him. From the outside looking in it seems like he doesn't feel the same for you. From the inside, though, it's important that YOU realise that. I know for a fact that it's very difficult to love someone you're mad at. (not impossible, but still.) What helped me get through a similar (yet less physically intimate) situation was realising that she had no right to hold my love hostage. Either she took all of me or got none of me. I had to get mad at her for some reason... then, once I forgave her, I was able to forget about her. I hope you find true love, seems like you're at least halfway there :) (you know how to love, you just need a man who gives love in return.)

Also, you shouldn't wish you never met him. If anything, he has given you a lot to think about, and I bet you'll learn a lot from this regardless of what you decide to do.

Thanks for your comments - I know you're right and that ignoring him and having no contact is the way to go and it was working until last week when he contacted me. Hearing from him, just put me right back to where I was before. I just don't get why he won't leave me alone. If he doesn't want me, why contact me? He's attractive and very charismatic, he could find someone else easily enough. It just makes me doubt myself when he says he misses me. Then the whole what if ... thing starts. I know I can move on, but it would be so much easier if he would let me.

How much can you trust him that he is only with you? He is a downright manipulator and if you get committed to each other too he will keep manipulating you through out your relationship. Meaning he doesn't respect your feelings, your needs, doesn't care about your joys...it is always about him....when he wants to meet you, when he wants a reply...its always about what he wants....where are you in this??? The easy way to get over him is use all your anger as your shield against him. Whenever he is trying to talk you out remember your anger....remember your misery....remember your self respect and stay away. When you miss him while alone again use your anger and tell yourself "I don't want to be miserable ever again. He has just used me and I care a damn about him." Try this for sometime and soon you will be strong enough to face him without your anger shield.