Everything, just everything!!!!

I finally mustered up some courage to spill my problems here, after much debate and loneliness. This is a long long long story because my life right now, seems like it is more complicated than ever. So, I graduated a little over one year ago from a very prestigious university (ranked somewhere in the top 25 but for privacy reasons, I will rather not identify), yet I could not, for the life of me, find the courage to get a job. I have no idea why; everybody else, all of my friends have settled down with jobs. Yes, I had one interview for a very small start up that only interviewed me to reject me which I had a feeling from the start. They couldn't understand why I wanted to work there, basically being a phone operator-- with about 15 employees, and ultimately mocked me during the interview and later rejected me. Since then I have been so emotionally hurt because I took them seriously, I wrote a cover letter, brought a resume, studied interview skills, bought new clothes, practiced in front of the mirror, ...etc. I just couldn't understand why they mocked me, took almost 3 hours to interview me from managers to bosses, and then rejected me. I understand that new college graduates are having difficult time getting a job yet I felt so chewed out and I could tell that they were exchanging glances and smirking while interviewing me. This left such an emotional scar, I mean, I had other jobs too before with embarrassing titles like "Spoonologist" at a yogurt shop, as a waitress, server, cashier, I worked since I was 17 and have not stopped until I began my life at the university. Then it went downhill from there. I was very social, outgoing, with many friends and yet suddenly during college, I completely changed. I don't know why, and turned into a shy, timid, and scared little girl. I am sorry I am ranting on and on but I have so much built up. I have always been strong, but some things happened in college that really tore me apart. My best friend since 5th grade back stabbed me by secretly telling my boyfriend for weeks, to break up with me because she was jealous of me. She says she's been jealous of me ever since middle school because I always looked so "happy" while she wasn't. So she took a chance while my bf and I were having issues during our long distance relationship. Her and her bf have broken up because she has been sleeping with all the guys in our hometown at parties and these guys ended up telling her bf that they have been sleeping with her. She was a mess and I tried to help, but all she did was to make my life a mess as well. I am still with my boyfriend, we have been together for over 5 years. Here is another story: my little sister claimed that my bf sexually abused her and almost got him arrested. When confronted, I know, by looking into his eyes, that he is completely innocent. We all lived under one roof and he is always with me, he is a good, honest man, and my sister is a hard core feminist who is very active in defeating sexual predators. But I just know, intuition and for knowing him for so long, and everyone else also, agree that he did not commit such a thing. She has been abusing sleeping pills, been depressed since her teens, and acknowledged that she needs psychological help. She moved out ultimately, and my mom has this anger towards me, that I made her move out and that I told her to go crawl somewhere and die. I never said such a thing to my sister, yet she claims it true, and I just feel as if the world is against me. Could I be suffering from something here? I know my mom has been physically, verbally, and mentally abusive when we were little. She made us hold kitchen knives to each other and yelled to stab each other, stripped us naked with no underwear and kicked us out during winter when our neighbor saw us horrified and took us into her home and dressed us, I was so scared I peed myself. She cracked my head open with a toy car and my grandpa had to burn my scalp to mend it... Now both my mom and dad are disappointed because I can't get a job to be the breadwinner for the whole family. My dad retired yet he wants to take my money when I start earning, to buy a RV and travel, buy my brother a car, pay for my sister's college,... etc. I can tell they are disappointed with me and treat me rudely. I dropped all of my friends because I finally found out they were just using me and needed me around only when they were in need. My mom tells me that is just how the world is, and that money will solve everything so start earning money; they asked me to go get a part time job at least at a grocery store to support them. I feel used, my whole life, and mocked. I purposely refuse to get a job anytime soon as a first reminder to them that I wasn't born into this world as their retirement account. I grew up a good girl, and I can say it with a clear conscious that I never wronged anybody yet being "nice" seems like a trouble magnet. I want to start a whole new life. I decided to go into the military to change my sorry self around and yet, I feel as if my parents would take all my money, they already owe me 9000 dollars which they took during my teens, which I saved every penny of. I felt as if someone out there should know my story, these things, that I will never tell people close to me. What they see outside, is a strong and sometimes overly happy and enthusiastic little girl yet there are so much turmoil on the inside. I have college debt, no friends, no job, my parents hate me, and I'm pretty sure my friends all think I'm dead. I disappeared from the face of earth. I cannot figure out what it was during college that changed me so much. I am pretty sure also, that no one will read this far down of some random person's story online yet I thought at least if no one reads it, I guess I ranted to myself. Anyways, this is the biggest rut I've been in. What the duck am I supposed to do?!

Hello, After going through your detailed draft, it is clelarly understood, that unfortunately, you have a very opportunistic circle of people around you. But as your mother said, world is like this and we cannot skip or escape from it. Infact, try to search for our space. Yes, you have lot of scope to grow and deliver yourselves. May be you have changed due to your colleges atmosphere, which you are not orinigally so. You know your own strengths and weakneses. Try to build upon your strengths. Sky will not fall, if you fail once. Going forward, many things can be achieved with positive attitude. Be positive and move ahead. Donot let occupy your mind with all the crap. Try to make or build your own world and donot let anyone to come and lead into your personal zone. Keep cool - things will definitely work out Good Luck. Surat

I think you are concentrating on the wrong things. Agreed a lot around you is just not good enough but there are things that are good too! 1. You are a top ranker. Means you have the capability in you to compete and succeed. Also means that you have the capability to land yourself a good job. 2. Rejected in Interview- Actually a very good point in it! Why you were rejected by that company is obvious - They consider you too good for working there. You should take up courage and apply for a better paid job. Every chance you'll be selected. Years earlier after my marriage and I moved out to a new place with my husband, I too was finding it difficult to find a job. It was quiet strange coz I had a 2.5 yrs work experience and expertise in my field. Yet I was not getting called even for an interview. Finally I approached a smaller company for a job and the interviewer said I was too good for their job. He said they would not be able to pay me what I deserve. I said no problem I am willing to take it up. Later I found out the others didn't call me coz I had been newly married and the women in that area around always quit their job and planned family soon after marriage! So you see getting a job or not is not on your capability but dependent on the company's thought process also. I was able to break that by having a direct one to one talk and convincing them of my plans. 3. Boyfriend - You have someone who loves you and cares for you. Many in life don't have someone like that too. Now for the bad part 1. Your best friend - As we grow people change and so do friendships. Your friend changed to grow into a selfish, jealous, characterless woman. So from your caring friend she changed into your enemy...happens in life sometimes if we don't keep our eyes open to the changes. Doesn't mean you can't trust another friend out there! There are lots of people who like your boyfriend are honest and loving people. Just keep your eyes open and enjoy the friendships. 2. Your mother and sister - Looks like there is a hereditary problem running here. Ignore their words. You are absolutely fine and a lovely person. Now what should you be doing? Go ahead and apply for higher paying jobs (getting rejected....no big deal....something will always click). One thing your mother says is right, money has its own voice but then even when you find it you have to keep your eyes doube open around you.

Are you me?? Get it, just came back forma an interview today...... the 5th one this year!!! I am struggling to find work also it is awful. Last year I worked for nothing for a year a voluntary position . I did not care. My family are nasty negatives jealous and kicked me in the teeth when I was down ,n left me hiking on the side of the road to go to a unpaid job....screamed ....it is just too upsetting to tell... my mum told me to give up, I was useless, she does mean it you don not know her. Anyhow I have regrets about studying and hitting rock bottom..... you will get there. I promise I still searching , it is a job in itself finding a job.... last week I did all the studying writing letters , Cv , did an interview, and they asked me to do a trial which was 2 full days no pay , and at the end they said I was not suited!!!!!!!!!!!! Talk about used..... so I am not happy but I care about what I do so keep going. It will work out for you, I thought the same about my college friends all of them are in jobs etc, but I was wrong not everyone is where they want to either. Keep the faith , stay focused.......