In need of help understanding what he really feels

My boyfriend and I have been dating for over 7 years now and at the beginning of last year we decided to build our house together. In October of last year we moved in together and things were amazing. My partner is my best friend, we have very similar hobbies and interests and can be completely ourselves with one another and laugh and be stupid together. I have always thought our relationship was unique because we get along so well and can do a lot of our hobbies together and take holidays together (we both love photography). I thought everything was great. We were both happy and we didn't fight very much when we moved in and things seemed to be going smoothly. A few weeks ago he started getting very distant, not showing any affection, not really talking to me and just generally going for long rides (he bought a motorbike too). I asked him a couple of times if everything was okay, that he seemed distant and had I done anything wrong? He has been in moods in the past that tend to pass in a week so I let it go and gave him the space he needed. All the while I'm killing myself inside worrying about what I've done. After asking again and not receiving must in response, I was beside myself. I even asked if he still loved me any more and he said he did and that I had definitely done nothing wrong. A few days later he came home from visiting his parents and said we needed to talk. We sat down and he told me he didn't love me any more. After 7 years and sharing everything with him, I was beyond devestated. I went and spent the weekend at my parents and even when we met up at the house to talk more on the Saturday night, he was still convinced that he didn't love me. He called me randomly on Sunday and asked if we could chat more at the house. I didn't want to get my hopes up but it seemed weird he would want to talk when everything had already been said. When we met up, he said he had made a mistake and that he was certain he did still love me but that he'd felt like the passion or the connection with me wasn't there any more and that we didn't seem to agree on things as much. He admitted maybe he was changing because I don't think I've really changed much at all in the past few months. I took him back because I love him and never wanted it to end to begin with. I regret moving back in straight away though, because it's so hard being under the same roof as someone who is still figuring out how they feel. Generally, he seems happier but I wonder if it's just because he's got all the guilt and everything off his chest and I'm stuck feeling heartbroken. He also doesn't want to be intimate with me because of our lost connection, he said he just hasn't felt like it. The affection has been on and off though a lot better than when he was originally distant and thinking he didn't love me any more. I have tried talking to him a few times but I feel like it's very one sided sometimes. He cares for me, I know he does because he wants to comfort me when I'm crying but I feel like he needs to be trying harder. He refuses to go to counselling and that hurts me because I really think it would help both of us get our emotions out. I feel like I'm scared to talk to him or be honest with him. I've thought about just telling him I'm staying at my parents until he can figure things out but I'm worried he'll be too stubborn and leave me. I just feel like he should be wanting to do everything within his power to fix this and make me feel loved. I don't know if he's just genuinely being a guy about the whole thing and doesn't really want to talk about his feelings but he must see how hurt I am and want to try. Also, he left for the US for work on Sunday and he always seems to want to go riding on his motorbike, even when he was leaving that night, he wanted to fit in lunch with me and a ride even though he had ridden Saturday as well. I'm happy he has a hobby he loves but why am I the one trying to spend as much time as possible with him when he clearly doesn't feel the same way? I'm seriously considering moving back home for awhile so that I can actually be happy and not stuck in limbo, waiting for him to make a decision and wondering if he really cares about me at all any more. I'm just so shocked that all of this has happened. I'm just very confused right now and need to think straight because I can't make any logical decisions when I'm so upset all the time. I would really appreciate some advise and insight, even if it's something I'm expecting that I shouldn't be, as long as I can just understand what he's going through better, I might be able to deal with things in a less emotional manner. Thank you!

Callisto, when a man loves a woman and is truly IN love with her, wild horses won't drag him away from her. On the other hand, when/if he falls out of love with her, there's nothing she can do apart from move on. Your BF demonstrates a man who has other priorities above you and even though you've tried to get him to visit a counselor, it's seems to be your only option. If the connection, intimacy and respect is gone from your relationship then I'm sorry, it's quite likely your relationship as you knew it, is finished. You're correct when consider moving back 'home' to get some comfort and happiness..it's possibly the best place for you at the moment. When one partner stumbles in a seven year relationship, a substantial period of time, the other usually falls harder.

After a while if things get repetitive relationship can get boring. Try new things with him which excites him. Change your hobbies and pursue newer ones. In short show him a different you that he already knows. Cook new dishes, new style of clothes, new hairstyle? After a while we either need to change ourselves in Life or get new partners coz things do get repetitive and boring when you can predict the partner's reactions and likes, dislikes. Try taking out old snaps and sit together and go through them. Will help in rekindling some passion.

Mixed bag of advice there. I would leave him personally. I think your relationship is over. You seem to want to make things better, by offering to go counseling etc. But has he come up with a solution? I think it is time to move on.... you either love a person or you don't. It is a sad time after 7 years but you will move on and things will get better for you. May I ask his age? it also could be a hormonal change, testosterone depletion he seems to be going through something...... I would certainly go to counseling for yourself...... get things clear for you..... and to give you support you need to deal with the end of this relationship....

Hi everyone, Thank you so much for your insights, it really does help me make a decision. It's strange because sometimes I almost feel like things are back to the way they were and then he will do something selfish like go for a ride or not showing the affection I want. He has never been an overly affection or emotional guy and I have always loved that about him because I've been through enough of my own problems to know that would make things very complicated. But for some reason, he just will not talk to me. He says there's nothing wrong with him but he seems suddenly obsessed with his bike and bike videos and does little else. It's like he's lost himself and is stuck in a rut but is claiming everything is okay. His solution for fixing the problem is to spend more time together on weekends, which I have been trying with everything I have to do. But then I'm still competing with the bike and whenever I suggest something he says, "It's up to you, I'm easy" - I feel like he's not giving any input. At this stage, if he said he wanted to go to a race track and watch bikes, I WOULD! I have given everything to this relationship, my heart and soul and I feel like I'm not getting much in return. He always makes me feel like a nutcase when I get upset about him wanting to go riding or something that he has said or done. He even admitted that he's probably being a jerk but didn't give any reason why or if he was going to change it! It sucks as well because when we broke up, I kept it to close friends and family but no one on his side knows except his parents and his boss. I feel like I'm hard done by and no one can see what's happening because they have no idea. At this stage with him away, I won't make any final decisions but I think my only course of action is to shock him, leave the house and move to my parents again for awhile and tell him he knows where to find me and has as much space as he needs to work out what he truly feels. I'm just so disbelieving of this complete change in him, I always felt so loved by him, he could never keep his hands off me and I'd feign annoyance but I loved every minute of it. Now it's like I'm living with a friend I peck on the lips and hug sometimes. I just really don't know what to do. I just know that if he truly felt as strongly as I do, he would be fighting for this to work and do everything he could to fix it. But then - I don't know if he's just being a guy about it and being stubborn about sharing his feelings. But when everything is on the line, shouldn't he open up to me? He gave me more and was worried about me more after we broke up and when he wanted me back. Now he does and it's like he doesn't have to try any more. Maybe he's just a total guy and is blind but I don't see how when I get so upset sometimes.

Also, just to add, he is 27 and so am I. My parents are concerned that he may be cheating but I refuse to take part in sneaking around after him etc. At the end of the day, if he leaves me, there is no blame on me. I did everything I could but if he IS going through a depression and finally opens up, I would feel so guilty knowing I'd betrayed his trust. As for doing things to spice things up, that is what I have been trying to do. We went to the coast and had a nice breakfast and walk on the beach, even then I felt like he was rushed to get back and then he packed for his work trip and went for a ride... The same happened the next day when his flight got delayed to that night. Here I was thinking we could spend the entire day together - I'm doing a weight loss challenge currently too and I was willing to NOT exercise that day even though I probably needed to so we could spend it together. But no, he wanted to go for a ride first and then again I had to suggest what to do... It's so strange because sometimes we'll have a normal conversation again, a silly conversation about nothing in particular that will both make us laugh. I'm really worried that he loves me still as a best friend but little else and that he didn't want to lose that friendship and is still confused. The lack of intimacy really makes me think so. He did snap at me when I brought it up again and said "We've gone without it for longer in the past" because as a woman I tend to not want it as much or often as he does. I told him I want that to change and apologised. I feel like I'm doing all the fixing when I've really done nothing wrong! I'm so lost and I don't want to lose him but I'm sick of being the submissive girlfriend afraid of conflict because I love him to death. I think the reality is, I'm going to have to be stiff upper lip girl, tell him how I feel and give him some space. That's the only way to make him realise what he's doing to me...

" I just know that if he truly felt as strongly as I do, he would be fighting for this to work and do everything he could to fix it." Your words Callisto and it sums up your whole issue.

His obsession with bike and rides is strange! Is your man a one focus person? I knew a person who had a single focus, meaning if he focused on love life he would put heart and soul into it, if he focused on work then it was only work for him...as if his partner didn't exist. No amount of crying, complaining had worked. Go ahead give him the shock treatment...and don't go back until he shows you his focus has changed from bikes to you!

Hi Shivangi, He's never really been like that, no. It usually makes him happy organising to do things on the weekend with me but his interest in photography that we've shared has seemingly died and now he's obsessed with this bike. He told me when he had been feeling off months beforehand that he thought he just needed a new hobby or excitement in his life. But it didn't fix things and after that is when he thought he didn't love me any more. I get that he wants to go and do his hobbies but I have been putting him first with everything, basing my every thought and feeling over him and just really not receiving anything in return. He is being a completely clueless male and I'm getting quite sick of it. I have no idea what to do, I'm just so worried if I make this decision to live with my parents for awhile, that he'll get angry or think I'm making a huge deal out of nothing and end it. At least when he ended it to begin with, I knew it wasn't my fault but if this ends it, I'll feel guilty even though I shouldn't.

Callisto, I'm sorry but you need to understand that you can dissect your situation anyway you want. You can convince yourself that he's a clueless male but the cold, hard truth is that you're no longer on his radar. He's found something else to take his priority away from you. This has happened because you no longer interest him as a partner because if he did, he would share his new 'hobby' with you...just as you want him to. He would have discussed his bike with you because you were a couple of 7 years and you built a house together. You were committed. He ended it and that was his call and therefore it's his burden to carry. You, on the other hand, have to go where you need to go, regardless if he gets angry or not because he initiated the whole issue. In other words, he has made his bed and he needs to lie in it. You need professional counseling that may help you or may not, but the answers you really need will come from him...and they could be a long time coming. There's no better place to wait for these answers than the comfort of your parents home.

Thank you Manalone. I have explained to him that I'm really not into bikes, I don't really like them because I worry he'll get hurt but I tried to support him and be thankful he got the proper gear for protection and I even try to ask him a few things about it and listen to what he has to say. Sometimes I roll my eyes and laugh because he talks about it all the time or mentions it every time we drive past a bike. It's just bad timing. If I was sure of our relationship and his love for me, I would be fine with him taking time to ride. I have my hobbies too! But because everything is so unsure and I'm the one baring the burden of our relationship, I think it's time to stop making excuses for him and putting myself through this without some results or assurance.

Callisto, your problem is not actually the bike and rides but lack of intimacy with him. The problem is he is ignoring you too much, way beyond whats acceptable to you. The problem also is he has not been able to reassure you that he still loves you. These are not small issues. A person can have a different hobby to the partner's but in pursuing that, the partner should not feel left out of their life together. If you want to avoid guilt, talk to him and tell him these are the issues making it clear its not his hobby. If you feel talking will cause fights and you might not be able to present yourself correctly, you can start the conversation on email. That way you will be able to present your whole side without interruptions. If he still cannot see sense in your arguments, best is to go to your parents house and let the reality dawn on him that he has to do his part if he really wants you back.

Thank you Shivangi, I really appreciate it. He knows that it irritates me when he goes for rides, especially when we had a day or so to spend together before he flew out and he was squeezing in a ride each day instead of spending the entire time with me. I would have given up ALL my down time to do so. He even confessed when I apologised for getting so upset about him going riding (in retrospect I had a right to be but it was TTOM so I thought it may have been that) - that he was probably the one being an a****hole and I said well yeah, well maybe not an a***hole but you're just a guy (I should have just left it as "Yes, you are being an a***hole) I have written him a letter to give to him when I feel the time is right once he returns from the States and I will be there when he reads it but I will try not to let him sway my decision to move out for awhile. My GP is getting me to go to counselling but he told me to end it. He said "You will never have what you had before, you can't go back to that. How can you go on in a relationship you can't trust and when you'll be constantly wondering if he feels the same?" I don't want to give up on my best friend after 7 years but we definitely need some time apart. Maybe it will make us stronger. Maybe not.