Married but unhappy!

I married when I was 23 and am still married to the same woman, we have three great grown and gone children, but now at 56 I feel like I have fallen out of love with my wife. I never felt this loss of love or loneliness while the children were around but I do now. It is like we don't have anything in common anymore. I try to stay athletic and she's doesn't, she spends a lot of time at church and I don't. I don't feel old and try to sourround myself with younger people. I just want to be happy and I'm not sure how to get there without making some kind of change. My wife and I have been going to a marriage counselor and I have gone also gone to one on my own looking for answers. The only thing that I came away with was that both counselor's said that people don't change. I don't want to be the "bad guy" and I don't want to hurt my wife, so I'm not sure about what to do. I just want to be happy!

Yes, she is aware of how I feel and she doesn't want to stay together if I'm unhappy. Me being unhappy makes her unhappy too. One thought was a trial separation to see if I could get a better idea of what to do after removing myself from the situation. Maybe I could think better being removed from the situation? I just don't have that excitement anymore when I'm around her. Am I being to self-centered?

Jeep, people don't change, but circumstances do. If you do make changes in your life for the better, it doesn't mean you'll be the bad guy. There's a lot of people out there in your shoes who think they're selfish when they finally get around to thinking of themselves. Just as you shared the same beliefs and standards with your wife that bought you together all those years ago, you now need to find common ground to be able to last the distance. You've highlighted your differences here between you and your wife and this is what separates you now at this stage of life. If your shared responsibility of nurturing children was a big percentage of your common ground, then you both will look for other challenges now. Whether you do this together is another thing. If you HAVE fallen out of love with your wife, then you'll eventually walk away regardless of the hurt because you need to happy and if you're not, you will be no good for anyone, especially yourself. It's obvious your wife is well aware of the situation if you've both been to counseling, but just as you both contributed to your success in the years gone by, you will both need to keep on contributing here. If one of you doesn't for whatever reason, then I'm sorry, but it's quite likely your marriage will fail. You will eventually realize, it's lonelier being in a non productive marriage than it is being on your own. You need to take control of your life to make the changes you feel you need to, otherwise your confidence levels will end up on the floor, regardless of who you surround yourself with.

No, no other woman, although I work with some younger women. They enjoy life and I tend to be happier around them than my wife. They are married and are just friends of mine. I just want to have as much enjoyment coming home to somebody as I do going to going to work and seeing my associates. I just want to be happy. Is this a midlife crisis I'm having? Maybe!

I do appreciate all of the input I'm getting. Thanks!

Hey, 'people cannot change' I am interested to the approach of therapy that you are attending.... the very premise of counseling is movement and change , but it is a process. I think you are stuck on something? I know many men that have been in your situation and they left and are now happy and no regrets. You say you want to be happy, you need to answer that question, what is it you need. There is always something good out there to live. I think you know you are approaching a hard decision, you are expressing to us that you have a energy for living,and are now seeing positive experiences outside of your marriage and you present life, with your wife. Are you both growing in different directions. The 'bad guy' that you are labeling yourself with, is your own resistance, for wanting to be happy, let go of that you already know that answers, I think you need to break away, even if it is for a trial..... but I think you should stay in counseling for you, and explore more during this transition you are about to face. Maybe the deep rooted stuckness is fear of the unknown. If you have been in a marriage for as along as you have decisions before were joint and involve considering someone else. This is 100% ownership on you if you leave , that can be overwhelming. The big question is do you love her..... ? I think you want to experience love again and I think you are scared it may not happen and if you do not leave you will never know the joy again. All I can tell you is you need to act, you have one foot and the other out, choose a direction and find what makes you happy... because anywhere is better than where you are in limbo.

I'm struggling with the effects that leaving my marriage will have on the children, their future children, and family gatherings. I would have a hard time coping with the disappointment and sadness that I am going to create if I do leave. My wife asked me which one of our friends marriages would I like to emulate. I said none of them and for probably the same reasons. A lot of the marriages I see are more just coexistence in the same house. I don't see a lot of affection but a lot of hurt being thrown around and public ridicule of each other. Not a lot of happiness going on. I want to be happy. Come home and be dazzled by my partner and wanting to do for her whatever she needs because I loved and cherished her so much. If I need to break my wedding day vows of 33 years ago, and it won't be easy, I probably need to. This forum has been very helpful to me and I again thank you for your input!

After so many years into marriage things fall into a bad routine. Knowing your partner well by then also makes one loose the zeal to please. Add to it all the years of hurt, ridicule given to each other makes the perfect recipe for loveless marriage. But you must have noticed even though superficially it might look empty the care and concern will be there when either partner falls sick. If you want to work it out with your current partner, you will have to bring some routine changes into your life. To rekindle the love, you will have to try and please her as if you both were just married and you need to impress her. Buying her gifts, taking her for outings etc. The more you give, the more you will receive from her too. For example if you both eat together and if generally you both serve yourselves, for a change serve each other. If generally you select the dress to wear yourself, try asking your partner to select your dress occasionally. You might not want to go to church with her so much but may be you can drop her at the church? Go for walks together. Don't see it as health excercise...see it as a time to bond. Keep doing things for each other. We rarely realise that doing things for each other has a lot of impact into marriage. In time the love will return. Also watch when you step on her toe and ask her to keep from stepping on yours. Try and develop a common interest. As of now whats happening is each of you are doing only what interests you alone leading to further time apart and losing the loving touch.