My very shameful sexual disorder

In 2003 I started spending a lot of time in chat rooms. Men would try to cybersex with me For the longest time I ignored this. Then I fell into cybersexing with them. One thing lead to another and before long I was meeting them. I've had sex with over 25 men between the ages of 23 and 65. Tall men short men fat men slinky men nice men jerks it doesn't matter. I have sex with them on first meeting and do any and everything they ask or tell me to do. I am a full figured woman. I am married to the love of my life and we have 2 wonderful kids. We also take care of 3 disabled persons. Our sex life is amazing. About 2 years ago my husband found out something and my problem came to light. I know I sound like a whore and I realize I am. What I don't realize is why. Why I did it. That's not the woman I am. Its really hurting our marriage and my husband wants answers I can't give him because I don't know. Please help. If anyone can help me to understand what my problem is. I remember most of what I've done but then there's things that are blank. Some men I remember meeting and I'm sure we did things but I can't remember what. I was forced by one man to have sex against my will. I can't remember his name or where he lived. I do know I met him at his house. I remember us talking about his kids in all the photos on the wall. I have hurt my husband so bad. God he's still with me. He's trying so hard to hold us together but he's hurting so bad. I'm so sorry. I hate myself for the pain I see in his eyes. The hurt I hear in his voice. I've truly hurt him so much he's not the same person anymore. Please hate me but help me understand why I did this. Why I can't remember. How can I ever see the light back in my husbands eyes. He breaks down and crys almost every day. Such a strong hard working man. Such a wonderful husband friend father I have brought him so much hurt. Please please someone help me find answers. My husband and I both know this is not me. I'm not that kind of woman. At least I never was. He needs to understand and I can't help him because I don't understand. I've not been outside of my marriage for almost 5 years now. Still I avoid the internet because I'm not sure why it happen so I'm not willing to trust myself. I am only on line now because I have to find answers. I have not been able to ask him to stay I don't have that right but he's standing with me. He's still filling his role as husband and father. I beg please help me give him the peace he deserves.

hi take it easy on yourself....you got completely lost in a dark dark place. Your husband is a kind gentleman. I think you need to seek counseling that was a series of traumas and you are clearly in a bad bad state of mind. How did he find out? You say you are faithful 5 years, that is a positive to build upon. You are going to have to find a time to forgive yourself.... I do not know how long that will take..... but you have to move forward now for the sake of you marriage. I think you need to see someone on your own, for a time...... if you hubby join you if he is ready it is quiet a shock for him to take it in so he may need some time to process. You will get through this.....

You need help here! I think you have a medical problem here. You probably are suffering from sexual addiction. Meet a psychiatrist at the earliest and check up!

Your life sounds quiet stressful so maybe the sex was an escape , into another world of excitement and danger.... you just crossed over into a sinister world that in your head the idea is harmless in reality it has no boundaries, and nothing grounding it. It does tell you something big about people ..... that we do need rules, and boundaries . Please get yourself into a good place to explore this that is a sure way to guarantee that you will not go back....... the very fact that you got lost there, you were telling the world something major is wrong please help me.... I think you will be okay the fact the your hubby is still with you is a good sign......