Trust matters

hi I deeply value relationships in life. Be it family, friends or love. I was in a serious relationship with a guy sometime back. We both really loved each other. We belong to an Indian society and though things and people's perspective are changing with time, we were still a bit old fashioned and did not believe in casual dating and all. We chose to be together because everything seemed to be going right, be it between ourselves or the families (that matters a lot). We had strong intentions of not indulging in physical relationship before marriage. But things did not go the way they were desired. In a private moment, we got so excited and emotionally overcome that we did it. I did not have much idea about the hymen being the biological parameter relating to virginity. In the process, it did hurt, of course, and when I saw the first drop of blood, I was taken aback and came back to my senses. He was scared to see me cry. Now, I feel that I am not a virgin. Things did not remain the same between the families due to some other reason and we had to part. I tried to cling on to him for the reason mentioned above. All in vain. Both of us were helpless. Now I have moved on over him. Since sometime, a very old friend of mine expresses his feelings for me. Not that I don't like him, but I am not in a mood to venture again. He too doesn't demand a reply. But I feel that e might present his desires in front of the family when time comes. I am puzzled if I should tell him about my incident or not. He knows that I had a past relationship. (I do not have the guts to say it. A girl's virginity is her family's respect. This is a sensitive issue in India.) Moreover, there are reasons like, "What will he think about me?" etc. And not just him, how can I tell someone, who comes to see me on account of an arranged marriage, if that is what's in my fate, all this? It's embarrassing.

Bubbly, virginity is not a big deal these days. Like you yourself have mentioned society is changing to accept more. As far as losing virginity is concerned it need not be lost only due to intimacy. It can be lost even during sports activities, heavy physical activities etc. As far as you telling the person is concerned, you can tell them that you have had a past relationship which didn't work out. But thats all you need to share. Why do you want to share the intimacy details? Not every person is mature enough to handle these facts properly such that they don't interfere with your daily married life.

As an Indian myself, I would say DO NOT tell this person you became intimate with someone else. Times are changing in the modern world but sadly, the asian mindset will always stay in the dinosaur days. Good luck.

but wouldn't it be fair on his part or anybody who might be in his place to know about it at some point or the other in life? if yes, then how shall i tell?

And thanx a lot for responding to the problem. Means a lot.

Bubbly, you can tell him if you want to ruin your possibility of marriage /marriage. Very few Indian men can digest intimacy details of their life partners. They may initially tell you it doesn't matter, I am mature, I am modern etc. But the reality is they are mentally groomed through generations to believe their partner has been and will be only theirs physically. My advice remains the same. Tell him about your past relationship but leave out intimacy details.

I wouldn't tell him. Not yet anyway. Think of it this way. You really like him, right? Telling him now may scare him away. But if you hold off, develop feelings for one another, come to really love one another, THEN tell him....maybe it wont even matter. If he really cares for you, it in fact wont matter. So I would hold off. When the times right, youll know. Now is way too soon. I am a virgin at 23 and I never tell the men I date until the issue of sex comes up. I know if they truly love me, they'll be willing to wait, etc. Of course, if he flat out asks you about your past, you will have to tell him. But just voluntarily giving up that info....? No..