What should I do with this relationship?

Ok, I'm going to give my warning now, I just don't know where else to turn to. I'm just going to tell my story, I need to get it out, I don't really care if anyone reads this, or responds. It will probably be very long, and I don't expect anyone to want to read through it all, so at the end maybe I will try and summarize if you want to just jump there. It is the end of Senior year in high school as I am writing this. So, I guess I will just at the beginning. It was Junior year of high school, and I was 16 years old. She was around the same age, a little bit older, 17 years old. I won't puff myself up, or put myself down, but I definitely am not the best looking kid out there, only about five feet nine inches tall, slightly overweight at 180 pounds, brown hair, brown eyes, I dressed in sweats and hoodies for the most part, even though I played no sports, and spent almost all my free time playing video games, I never really drank, or smoked anything, never partied, kind of how you would imagine a generic nerd to be, except for the studious part, I was no where near a good student. So I guess you could see how I wasn't the most desirable kid out there. The girl I ended up with, and am still currently with as this is being written, was different. Most people may not think she was anything too special, but to me, she was everything. She was a girl I talked about to my friends back in freshman year, I told them how hot I thought she was, and I never once thought I would ever have a chance with her, and I was ok with it, I never actually liked her or ever considered being with her, not before Junior year, atleast. She, lets call her Destiny, because at the time I really did think it was my destiny to be with her. She was small, probably not much taller than five feet, very skinny and petite, which I liked very much. She had brown hair, with blonde streaks, and bright blue eyes. I thought she was beautiful. She dressed like kids still dressed in middle school, with torn jeans and t-shirts, skater shoes, earrings, necklaces, and those colorful bracelets. She didn’t play any sports either, no extra curriculars. She mostly just hung out at home, with her parents and a friend or two occasionally. She did drink, and smoke cigarettes, and she was also kind of a pothead, but she smoked so much that she was kind of used to it, and so was everyone around her including me, so it almost didn’t matter. Her parents were, different. They had her very young, at 18 years old in fact, so they drank with her, smoked with her, she could do whatever she wanted with guys at her house, bring them up to her room and close the door, her parents knew exactly what was going on, it didn’t matter to them. Her dad didn’t live with her or connect with her much, she lived with her mom and her moms boyfriend. Neither of them worked, they collected welfare and hung out at home, smoking and drinking, the occasional and yet frequent shouting matches, so they were definitely not your everyday parents. For the most part she acted like any other girl at our school did, but I just figured that we would never be together, so the subject of me liking her never really mattered, I never once got hung up on it, or even make it known at all. So by Junior year, I really had no feelings for her, but that all changed quickly. I never considered school friends actual friends, a non-mutual feeling I have come to understand. One of her ex-boyfriends, a guy she was with off and on since Freshman year, and definitely still had some feelings for, sat at the same lunch table with me, and Destiny, and one of her friends as well. Her ex-boyfriend also sat next to me in my English class, and I considered us to be, well, school friends. The other girl that sat at the lunch table, she had a very, very big crush on me. I never liked her, I thought she was too ugly, I know, seems fucked up right? Well, I never really told her that I just, didn’t want to be with her. I kept putting it off, telling her I wasn’t ready for a relationship, stuff like that. I didn’t see her any other time than lunch. Destiny was in two other classes with me, in Health class which was every other day, and then in History class, we sat close together for the majority of both classes. Chatting here and there in between conversations with other people, it was like that for a while. Fast-forward a little while, towards the middle of the year, after our christmas break. At this point we had chatted on Facebook a little, and had many more conversations in person, we were both single. I began to like her slightly, but I never gave any hints. However, one night we decided to play 20 questions through Facebook chat, considering she didn’t have a cell phone at the time, and was borrowing one of the school laptops. During our chat through Facebook, more and more delicate topics were coming up. It got to the point where I kept asking her what her opinions on different people were, a few of my close friends, some people we sat with in our classes, and even on her ex-boyfriend, but then I finally decided to ask her a question that I really wanted to ask all along, what was her opinion of me? So I sucked it up and asked, it wasn’t too hard for me, I was expecting back a message basically telling me that she thinks I’m a great friend, blah blah blah, with no hint at all about being anything more, well, I was wrong. I got a message back from her telling me she liked me, a lot actually, and that if I wasn’t such “close friends” with her ex-boyfriend she would probably date me. I was shocked, stopped in my tracks. I suddenly overcome with feelings, pure feelings of happiness, I suddenly felt so good in that moment, better than I ever thought I could. I immediately typed back telling her I liked her too, and I immediately disputed the fact that me and her ex-boyfriend were anything more than acquaintances. That night we talked a bit more, messages packed full with smiley faces, she made a status, one of those long waiting ones, obviously in the hopes I would like it, which I did. The rate on my wall was astonishing, I had just found out she liked me, and here was this thing on my wall like we were dating. Rated a 9 out of 10, smash, date, it filled me with butterflies. So much so that her ex-boyfriend messaged her, asking her if she was trying to date me. The next day at school, we decided that we should tell the two other people at our table our feelings. She was in charge of telling her friend who basically loved me, and I was in charge of telling her ex-boyfriend. She told her friend perfectly fine, although it wasn’t the same for me and her ex-boyfriend. I never actually told him, I was going to, but I just never got the words to come out of my mouth. So of course, he kind of knew, so lunch was awkward. Her friend sat at a different lunch table, and her ex-boyfriend sat with us still for awhile, until he too eventually moved. The day was almost over, and neither I nor her could stop smiling all day. At the end of the day, she came by my locker, we were both kind of just silent. We were going to say goodbye for the weekend since it was a friday, so we both kind of just smiled and said we would talk on Facebook and see each other next week. Then the bell rang, I was so in the moment I remember it startled me, and I just acted. I held out my arms very wide, and simply said, “goodbye”. She stood there looking at me for a second, and then smiled, with one of the biggest, most happy smiles I have ever seen, and hugged me back. After the last class of the day ended, I went to the front of the school to meet my friend who I was going to hangout with. We were getting a ride home. The area where the busses where was very far from where we were, so I was surprised when I saw Destiny there, who told me earlier she was taking the bus home. She came to see me. We then repeated what happened at my locker, a hug, a goodbye, a smile, and then I asked her if she wanted to hangout this weekend and something weird happened. She looked away, stopped smiling, and told me “sure” in a very, very unsure way. I was stunned. I had not understood what I had done wrong, was it too soon? Did I ask weirdly? Did she not like me as much as I thought? As much as I had now liked her? My head raced. We then departed. Once I got home she assured me that everything was ok, and that we should hangout on Sunday. We talked more the rest of the weekend, but all thoughts were on Sunday. On Sunday, my friend gave me a ride to her house, it was in a more, questionable, side of town. I got there and she was waiting on the porch for me, she smiled as soon as she saw I was in the car. I greeted her at the door with a hug, a smile, and we went inside. She introduced me to her mom, who seemed very happy to see me. And then to her moms boyfriend, who was quietly watching hockey. He was a bit of what you call, well, an asshole. He didn’t say much to me, he just watched basketball while I sat quietly with Destiny on my lap. He eventually left leaving us alone in the room, in which she put on the movie The Hunger Games, since it was her favorite. We watched and looked at each other occasionally, barely talking, just smiling, so much quiet, content smiling. I had no idea what was going on in the movie, I wasn’t paying attention at all, I couldn’t. After a while, I looked at her, deeply, and she kept looking at the TV, but she could see me out of the corner of her eyes. I went for it, I moved my head in front of hers, and we kissed. Our first kiss, so slow, so light, it was great. She immediately jumped over so she would be more on my lap facing me, and started talking a mile a minute, smiling the whole time. She eventually asked about who was going to ask out who, or if it would be a mutual kind of thing. Before she could even finish her sentence i said, “Do you wanna go out?”. She smiled and said yes, and then hugged me real close to my chest. That had been the most calm I ever asked someone out. We moved to a loveseat in her living room, she was putting a blanket over it and accidently hit me when moving the blanket and apologized several times in quick succession. I assured her it was alright, and she then made a joke about how she was already hitting me this soon, I laughed, and she then said, “Oh my god, you laugh at my jokes, I love you!”. She had not meant to say that, and she was so embarrassed. Every girlfriend I have ever had, I was always afraid to tell them I love them, I never wanted to say it too soon in case something happens, I always felt locked in once I said it. She turned away, and was waiting for me to sit, I kept standing there until she looked at me wondering why I had not sat down, I looked deeply into her eyes, and just said, “I love you too.”, she was overcome with joy. We continued to laugh and talk, a kiss here and there, and then it started to get more intense. At this point, I didn’t know her parents were like they were, so I treated it like any other relationship I have had, do things quiet and secretive, so the parents don’t see. I kissed her, and we started to make out. I kissed her all the way down her neck, and even tried to move further. She stopped me, and I was confused, but she assured it was just because she was afraid her mom would walk in. She also told me, right before I left, that our kissing was better than any sex she has ever had. It was a long week, we planned to hangout the following friday, she told me she was going to show me her room. Her moms boyfriend was gone, he was in the hospital with some sort of stomach problems. He would usually make her wait awhile before bringing a guy up to her room, but her mom didn’t care. She always told me her mom was her best friend, which I still don’t understand. We barely sat in her living room for 10 minutes before we started to make out. I elevated it, moving my hands on to her, and before I knew it, she took me up to her room. It was magical, it was better than I ever thought anything to be, it hadn’t even been a week. We moved so fast, faster than I had ever moved before. I had always been scared of commitment, and so had she. I never imagined being married to someone I met in high school, but yet, there I was. I was so happy, we both were. This relationship was going great. A month or so had passed, and we had grown more comfortable with each other. Nothing had changed in our feelings for each other, it was just less intense, which always happens in every relationship, it didn’t get worse, it just got more relaxed. We had shared many things with each other at this point, our pasts, presents, and hopes for the future. I learned she had has sex with a total of five people, and I with two. We both said we wished that we were each others first, but we never got upset about it. Eventually, it got more down. Destiny was prone to mood swings, and it was nothing that I didn’t think I could handle, and for the most part, I shrugged it off like it was no problem. She would be mean to me once in a blue moon, and always apologize soon after. Mostly, she just got sad, or upset over small things, but she was happy again as fast as she was upset, and it was not as bad as it sounds. She would tell me she thought she was a bad person, that she always does this in every relationship, that all she does is hurt people. She told me that she has cheated in every one of her relationships, but that I would be different, and I trusted her fully, I never worried. I had never cheated before, not once on any girlfriend, but I had been cheated on in a couple relationships. But at the end of the day, we were still happy. Both of us were so in love, she was my world and I was hers too. Everything was pretty much smooth sailing. She still had her mood swings often, but I felt like I was dealing with them just fine. This continued throughout the rest of the school year, which was about half, we got together right at the halfway point in the year, so we had dated a good amount of time before school was over. We were still both very happy, that was until, the end of the school year. It was June, and exams had started. And at this point, Destiny had got a cell phone, so we could talk almost all the time through text. At this point I had turned myself around, decided to get serious about school. All four of my core classes were Regions classes, which meant exams were needed to pass the course. Destiny had two Regions classes, and she was doing fine. I started to see her less towards the end of the year, I had to study a lot. She hated when I was “too busy” for her, as she put it. Wether I couldn’t hang out, or couldn’t text back fast enough, she usually found something to be mad or upset at, because she missed me and it didn’t help her mood swings to add extra stress. So we had a few of our first arguments. We usually made up quickly, but her moods changed often, and there was now ammunition to fight with. She became more and more unpleasant towards me, not always, but on that part of the arc in her mood swings, which had become more frequent, she was just more angry and upset than normal. But we still, were ok. We never once thought about breaking up, it just was not an option for us, kind of like if you were married, thats how we felt. She definitely had a history of breaking hearts, and my history was sort of the opposite, I was always getting my heart broke. But this relationship was different, she felt different I know she did, she didn’t ever want to cheat on me, she never wanted to be with anyone else, and I felt the same way. Now this is where you probably expect me to talk about how I found out she had been cheating on me all along, or that she was dating someone else behind my back, or that she was just saying she felt like she did and didn’t mean it. You think what I am going to tell you next is that the awful girl who has cheated on everyone and had a degree in breaking hearts did what she does best, and break my heart. Sorry to disappoint. It was pretty close to the end of school, two or three more days left, then exams, then summer vacation. We were still so in love. I was still having trouble seeing her because of all my exams I had to study for, and she still wasn’t too happy about it, but it never escalated past mood swings and a class period or two of her being mad at me before she was apologizing again. And, at some point, during one of those last days of school, I had a thought, a thought that scared me when it crossed my mind, that slipped into my head before I could shut the door, a thought of, what if I can’t deal with this? Just a thought, a thought of what if. Just what if I couldn’t live the rest of my life with her, what if I couldn’t always deal with the mood swings? I tried to forget that thought, act like it wasn’t worth thinking about, but I couldn’t fool myself. I was pretty busy with studying during exams to really think about anything else. She had no clue that I had ever thought like I did. I never told her because I convinced myself that it wasn’t important. Shortly after exams, I started to ponder, what if? She now had a job at Burger King. And for the first two or three weeks she was very busy there, she worked almost every day. We hung out when we could, but I wasn’t that upset that we didn’t see each other a lot, and it just got me thinking more and more. Not too long after summer vacation started, I ended up making contact with my ex-girlfriend who moved to Tennessee back in the 8th grade. This wasn’t a big deal, since Destiny still talked to her ex-boyfriend from time to time, I just thought I would exchange pleasantries. Destiny was at work and couldn’t really text me much, so I texted my ex-girlfriend a little more than what would be considered average I guess. She told me about her problems with her boyfriend, and I told her everything was fine with mine, but then she asked me to elaborate. So, I did. I told her about the mood swings, and that sometimes she was mean and bossed me around, and my ex-girlfriend told me she thinks I was not being treated adequately and I should break up with Destiny. I didn’t want too, at all. Or, did I? It got me thinking, should I do it? I had never really, broken up with someone before, nor did I even know if I really wanted to do it, so I never decided. I just kept putting what was now basically a half-ass effort into my relationship. I stopped talking to her as much, taking sometimes hours to text back, and seeing her once a week at most. I didn’t know what to do, I just wanted to be happy again, but she was always upset, because I never saw her, and the only way I could fix that was to see her a lot again, which was hard to do when she was always mad and upset at me, and I wasn’t even sure If I wanted to see her anymore at all, if we should just break up. This went on for two or so weeks, then something terrible happened to me. I found out that my best friend since birth, my neighbor, was moving away. I had never thought of my best friend, who was female, as anything more than a best friend, and I can stand by that. Destiny had met her many times, and liked her, and she knew that I only thought of her as a friend. But this was terrible for me, and I didn’t know what to feel. I immediately told Destiny, looking for support, and I found none. I guess when I hadn’t texted her back for over an hour, and she gets a text about my friend moving and how upset I was, she may have been jealous, but I doubt it, I think she was just upset that I wasn’t giving her attention. She got mad at me and I wasn’t going to have it, not tonight, I was too sad. So I stopped texting her and started to just hang out with my best friend before she moved. We ended up going to a friends house who had a hot tub, so we could relax. He was older, and he could get us stuff to drink if we wanted. I didn’t drink often, but I was in no way a light weight. We relaxed in the hot tub, drank only a couple beers, I was in a bathing suit, but she was just in shorts and a sports bra since she hadn’t brought anything. I didn’t think she was at all drunk, and I definitely wasn’t. We relaxed for awhile until it was pitch black out, and when I looked at her, I was overcome with emotion. I had looked at her in a way I never had before, and it just happened. We kissed, not a lot, but not just once either. I touched her a little bit, just fooling around, and she didn’t touch me at all, we got out after a couple minutes, I kissed her again, and we went home. She came over the next day, and we both acted like nothing happened, I had barely talked to Destiny all day, typing one word messages while she sent angry ones, everything felt hazy and surreal that day. Later that night, we went back to the hot tub, played truth or dare, kissed once or twice, I saw her, and she saw me, I touched her a little bit more, and she hardly touched me. Then it was over, just like that, she had packed up and moved the next day. And I haven't really seen her, and hardly talked to her since. I felt awful. Down right horrible. I had cheated, even though most may consider it not cheating, since we didn’t have sex, at all, I definitely considered it to be betrayal. I never told Destiny, I couldn’t ever get it out, even though I wanted to, I had never been able to say hard things like that. I also never gave any hints towards what I had done, she had, and this is the one thing I can guarantee, she had no idea what-so-ever that I had cheated on her. So, the rest of summer was spent with me ignoring her, not seeing her more than once a week, just going through the motions, lifelessly. I never did anything else like I had the rest of summer, I tried to flirt with girls to try and make me feel like my relationship was over, I got private pictures from some girls here and there, but nothing else and nothing more ever came of it, of any of it. I felt like I had shattered my own world, and it drove me insane. I couldn’t sleep, at all. I spent almost every night awake, I actually developed insomnia. I was so tired all the time, and I still was so depressed because of what I had done, and I still never got to think about how I felt before all of this happened. I became a totally different person, I had become the exact same kind of person I hated. Summer was coming to an end. Senior year of high school was upon us, and I had not improved at all. Me and Destiny had no classes together this year, except for a gym class every other day, that in the long run, we barely ever showed up to. During the beginning of the school year, well more like the first half of the school year, I saw her very little, almost less than I saw her over break. I remember my mother telling me, over and over, asking day and night when I was going to see Destiny again, my mom really liked her. I always got angry and yelled, told her to please stop asking me, to shut up about it, but she never did. Right at the start of Senior year, I met a girl, she was new to the area. She was oddly nice to me, so I thought, what the hell right? I asked her for her name, and I messaged her on Facebook. She barely messaged me back, and I didn’t know at the time, but she sat next to Destiny in one of her classes. I tried to flirt with her a little bit, I wasn’t sure why. She kept asking me questions about me and Destiny, like if we were happy together, I responded with no interest in it, or if we would go to prom together, in which I assured her, probably not. That was on a Friday, the following Monday at school, she had shown Destiny the Facebook messages I had sent her. She was furious. A very few, maybe five to ten messages, and Destiny came out of class screaming at me, so loud the entire hallway was looking right at me, then she walked away. I didn’t know how to feel. I was mad at that girl for showing her, I was mad at Destiny for embarrassing me in the hallway like that, I was mad at myself too, but I just didn’t know it right away. My next class was gym, I didn’t bring my stuff on purpose, so I sat in the corner texting Destiny. She texted me with such angry messages, and at the time, I was angry too. So I texted her back, just as angry, telling her to just dump me, that we should just break up. She changed her tone, she didn’t want to lose me, and she asked my why I wasn’t trying to fix it, because thats what we always did. I had no answer. We eventually got passed that, though nothing else changed in regards to how much time I spent with her, or how much I talked to her. And more importantly, I was now so much more afraid of telling her what I had done at the beginning of summer. Not too long after, she started complaining about some guy. Some guy who liked her, and flirted with her a lot. I never cared. One day, she told me he had tried to kiss her, and she pulled away, and it was weird. I knew I should have been mad, but, I wasn’t. She told me it happened three days before, and that she was scared to tell me. She always walked with this kid from her class before hand, and she still had the last three days, so, if she hated him for what he did like she claimed, why did she still walk and talk with him the last three days? I didn’t ask, because I didn’t care. More time went by, and I felt no different. Valentines day was approaching, and I was not really planning anything. It was still a week or so away from Valentines day though, and I was still acting the same. And then one day, in lunch, one of the few people I actually considered a real friend, and who was a real friend told me something. He told me that one of the other kids we hang out with, that I considered a school friend just like I had Destiny’s old ex-boyfriend, was texting Destiny a lot, and that I better watch out. I told him I knew, which I really didn’t, and that I wasn’t worried. She would never cheat on me, or leave me, she hadn’t yet, and I also told him I didn’t think it would be the worst thing in the world if she did. Then it would be over, I sure as hell couldn’t end it, so maybe she would and it would finally be over. The kid whom my friend was talking about, sat with me and the rest of my friends at our lunch table. Then, that night, I talked with my brother. He was my older brother, and he told me I should try and communicate about my relationship with Destiny. So I had thought, I’ll give it a shot. At this point, Destiny has broken down many times, crying, begging me not to break up with her, although I never once came close to doing so, and she kind of knew that. So I figured when I asked her if we could “talk” she would freak out, in fact, I expected it. So I texted her and asked, “Do you have a minute to talk..?” She replied with a simple, “Sure… About what..?”. That was unusual, any other time she would’ve gone insane if I asked that, she had for much less before, now it had my attention. We texted more, I replied, “About our relationship…”. She then messaged back with a calm, “You want to break up..?” This was weird. Why wasn’t she freaking out? Why wasn’t she going insane? Before I could even answer, I got a couple more messages; “Who's going to do it you or me?” followed by, “Nevermind I already did it, there.” I got notifications. She had turned herself to single on Facebook, and changed her profile picture immediately. I got a final two messages saying, “There, It’s done. Just like that…” and “You should change your profile picture now… It just looks stupid.” I was baffled. What the fuck just happened? I had so many questions. I called her and we talked, for awhile, she kept saying she did it because it was basically over anyways, and that it was going to happen eventually. I told her that I just wanted to talk, not break up, which was a lie. And that I wondered how she could end it so fast like that. I don’t remember much from that night, just that we got back together on the phone before I slept. The following day she seemed fine, better in fact, I acted kind of better too. We both had a little fright in us, a little excitement. The school day went normal, and at the end of the day, she didn’t even ask me to hangout. When I got home, we texted, I texted back faster than normal, and she started to act real odd, and when I asked what was wrong, she asked if she could come over. I responded with, “Why… Are you going to break up with me..?” She responded with something so opposite that I thought she could ever respond with, “Yeah. Probably.” I was filled with sadness. I immediately went to go get her, and bring her to my house. She acted totally different when she was with me, and when we got to my house, she hugged me tightly. I asked her why, I had to ask a couple times in a couple different ways, then I asked, “Is there someone else?” thinking that it was definitely not the case, but she was silent, which told me I was right. I ended up being able to guess it was the kid that my friend was telling me about, she had told me they had only planned two days in advance to do this, and that he was mostly against it. She also told me, that earlier that day, she had kissed him in school, right after she kissed me goodbye. She had cheated on me, I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t think she could do it, I was so upset, I didn’t think of anything else, not even that I should tell her about what I did. It only occured to me I should, after the fact. Everything worked out, we were still together, she assured me she was just confused and she didn’t want him anymore, and she swore on my life she would never lie to me again. But I still never told her what I had done. It was only a day or two before Valentines day, I started calling her every night again, like I had used too. And I had assured her every day, multiple times every day, that I was coming over on Valentines day, to spend it with her. Which I did do, we had an amazing day. We spent all day together until midnight when I had to go home, and after I still called her and talked until one or two in the morning. I got her a gift, she made me dinner, we made love better than in such a long time. At this point we both actually felt better. And then I realized, that I missed my chance to tell her what I had done. I started barely seeing her again, for the next two or three weeks its was just like before we decided to stay together after I found out she planned to leave me for someone else, and that she had cheated on me. Again she told me things that I probably should've been upset about, but wasn’t. Like that one of her best friends, their girlfriend said they should stay together but have sex with other people, or something like that. And that Destiny told him to tell her he was going to have sex with her, to see if she cared, which she didn’t. Wouldn’t any other boyfriend be furious just hearing that? Even if it was metaphorically. I wasn’t, I didn’t care at all when she told me. She then told me she was hanging out with him at the end of the week because they thought, “We haven't actually hang out before”. And I didn’t think anything of it at all. The night she did hangout with him, I was upset, and I asked her, not angry, but in a sad way, if she liked him. She texted me back angrily saying I accused her of cheating on me with him, which I hadn’t. But I let it go pretty fast. It was about a week later, and I still felt the same. I did the same thing I always did, went home, didn’t answer my phone, and just played video games trying to forget the world. I decided to go on Facebook, I hadn’t in a while. When I looked through the newsfeed, one thing stuck out, Destiny had posted a status that read, ‘This boy just keeps running across my mind.”, and I wanted to ask about it. I don’t know why I did, but I did, so that is exactly what I did. I figured she would say something like it was about me, but, she didn’t. She had told me it was about another guy, who I asked her if she was with, and she told me no. I demanded to know who, and she told me he was the guy who “liked” the status, there was only one “like”. It was some kid who I had never seen or heard of before. I was furious. I started messaging her long, angry messages, in which she responded with one or two words. I asked her if she was with him, and she said no, she was in the car on her way home, and that she would call me when she got home. I waited, it felt so long. She then told me she was home, expecting it to go like it usually did, where I end up not calling her until she calls me hours later. As soon as I got the text, I called her. She didn’t answer, ignoring my calls four or five times, and I was so angry asking her why she would ignore me, in which she responded, “How many of my calls have you ignored?” It was true, I had ignored many, many of her calls, up into the hundreds. But I needed to talk to her, so I kept calling. She finally answered, I could tell she was in a car. I asked her, “I thought you told me you were home?” In which she responded, “Yeah, I lied.” I was overcome with sadness, and I began to cry, I asked her, “But you promised you wouldn’t lie anymore?” Barely able to even get the words out of my mouth, she responded with, “Yeah, I know. I swore on your life too.” I cried even harder. I then asked her, “Did you lie about anything else? Is he there with you?”, she simply said, “Yes”. I felt my heart drop. She told me she had to hang up, I heard her mom yelling in the background, I kept begging her, no, please no, please don’t do this. She said she was confused and that she would talk to me later, the last thing I heard was, “I’m sorry, please don’t hate me.” and then a click, she had hung up. I texted her over and over. Wishing she would tell me what was going on. She got home around 10:00 at night, and I called her again. I was a mess, I was sobbing and aching so bad, I was heaving like I was going to throw up, I felt sick. I kept asking her what was going on, and she wouldn’t tell me, just like I probably wouldn’t have known any of this if I hadn’t decided to go on Facebook. She kept telling me to just stop, to please stop. She asked me to please let her go to bed, she was so tired, I begged, I begged over and over, so hard for her to just stay on the phone with me, even if she didn’t stay anything, to just not leave me alone. She kept never said anything, just pleaded me over and over to let her go to sleep. I felt low, so low. I grabbed one of my pocket knives, the biggest one I had, a blade longer than the length of my hand. It was closed, I didn’t think I would do anything with it, I’m not sure why I grabbed it in the first place. I then asked her, again, calmly, to please not go. She responded again, this time with a threat. “If you don’t let me hang up, I will break up with you right now.” I stopped for a second and thought, isn't that what I wanted, what I wanted for so long? I didn’t have time to figure that out, because what she said was then followed by. “I’m serious.” I opened the knife. I was ready, I felt so hurt, I was ready to hear that click, ready to take my life, to make the pain stop. I had never felt like that before, never once. She didn’t hang up, and she didn’t break up with me right then, she gave me a moment to calm down, and said she just really needed to sleep, and that she would see me tomorrow and explain. So I let her hang up. I cried myself to sleep. Life was dull. I woke up that morning, I didn’t text her, I just didn’t. I was just going to wait to see her in school. I got to school, and went to my locker, she usually got there before me and I already saw her stuff in my locker, plus I was a little late. Her stuff wasn’t there. I texted her, asking where she was, and it was 20 minutes or so until I got an answer back. She said she just woke up. I was shocked, and hurt. But I felt so drained, so I just asked simple questions. She told me she wasn’t going to come to school. I asked her too. She again said no, she was too tired. Supposedly she went to sleep before 11:00 the night before, that's when we got off the phone. I wondered how she was tired, but I didn’t ask. I asked her again, this time to please, please come to school. I then got a message back saying, “No, I’m tired. I’m not coming to school just for you.” My heart dropped to an all-time low. We sort of texted the rest of the day, and towards the end of the day, breaking up came up again. Basically, she did break up with me, even though I told her if she did we would never get back together. She said she didn’t want to lose me, but she was confused. In the end, her ultimate answer was yes, she is going to break up with me, even though I told her we won’t ever get back together, and she believed me. I kept putting it off, asking if she was sure, she kept saying no she wasn’t, but she was going through with it anyways. She said she wanted to come over one last time. I called her before to ask her when to pick her up, and that I would do it right after school. I went to get her. When I was at her house, she came outside, we stood on that same porch, like we did the very first time. I noticed purple on her neck. It was a hicke. And it wasn’t from me. I pointed it out, and she tried to hide it, and then said to me, “Maybe I should just go back inside.” I was not going to let that happen. I took her to the car, and we drove to my house. I was going 20 miles over the speed limit at a point, and I almost want to just turn left, right in to oncoming traffic, I again wanted to just end it all. We got to my house, and I felt defeated. We sat on my couch. We closed the door. We talked. We told each other everything. And we didn’t break up. Life was dead. I had told her about what I did. And she had plenty to tell as well. She started with the most recent. The kid she made the Facebook status about. She told me they had had sex, done everything with each other, and that she wanted to leave me for him, because she liked him a lot. It had happened that morning, the morning she didn’t want to come to school. She had lied about wanting to go to sleep the night before, when I begged her to just stay on the phone with me. She had stayed up until 4:00 in the morning with him, he was drinking and smoking, but she for the most part, was sober. At the end of the night she brang him up to her bed, and they slept the entire night together. And then in the morning, after I had already texted her asking her to come to school, she had sex with him. She then moved on to another. Her best friend. Apparently, when she said that she told him to tell his girlfriend they were having sex, she wasn’t just being metaphorical. Destiny and him had planned it a week in advance, that he would come over at the end of the week, and the would have sex, and she also tried to get him to leave his girlfriend for her. She was never off the entire week, not once. I saw her hug him outside classes, they both looked me in the eye, and nothing was off. On the Friday they planned to do it, she walked with me and him out to the busses, and hugged me, and kissed me, and looked me deep in the eye, and told me she loved me. Just moments before she took her friend home, and had sex with him. And then again, around Valentines day. After she came clean about planning to leave me for one of the kids I considered to be a school friend. The day before Valentines day, after we talked on the phone until past midnight, after she told me she was going to sleep, she had cheated on me. There was a guy, he was in his late twenties, she told me he was like a brother to her, I never would have thought anything would ever happen. But the night before Valentines day, after midnight when we got off the phone and agreed we would be going to bed, she went downstairs to him. He kissed her, and she touched him. And then again, on Valentines day night, after I spent all that time with her, after I called her past midnight, after we agreed we were going to sleep, she went downstairs again, and they kissed, and she touched him more. Then, the following day, the day after Valentines day, when she told me I made it amazing, and thanked me, that night, after we talked on the phone past midnight, after we agreed we were going to bed, she went to him, and they had sex. The final was a small treat. That guy so long ago that kissed her, she had asked him too. When I asked her why, she simply said, she doesn't know. I have no words. Even my thoughts don’t make any sense. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to think. It’s been about a month since we let everything out. And I still don’t know what to feel. We are still dating as of now, I see her a lot now. Whenever she isn’t busy we are together. We try to pretend things are ok, she seems to have a much easier time than me. She told me it was only sex, that it meant nothing. I can’t bring myself to think like she does, no matter how much I try. I feel so empty. Like there is nothing left of me, of what used to be me. I act differently than I used too. I have a shorter temper, I get upset over things so small. I try to just blend, move through the days motions like a drone, until I can go home. I don’t do anything. No more video games, no more television, no more hanging out with the few friends I have had for years. I can’t focus on anything, school or home. I never feel tired, no matter how long or how little I sleep I wake up feeling the same. I eat like I should, but I never actually feel hungry. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what I want to do. My mind races back and forth so fast that nothing really even counts as a ‘thought’. Do I want to stay with her? Do I want to leave her? Should I stay? Should I go? Was it all my fault? Was it her fault? Should I be mad at her? Should I be mad at myself? Who was wrong? Why? Should we both just move on? Can we? Can I move on? Can I live with this if I don’t? I have so many questions, so many I can’t even think of them all. And I have no answers. I don’t know how I am supposed to summarize all of this, but I will try. I met the love of my life. Everything was better than great, perfect in my eyes. I doubted that the relationship could last, even thought I wanted it too. I wasn’t being treated great, and in my confusion of feelings I made what I consider to be a terrible mistake. I cheated for the first time ever, on the girl I have loved more than anyone else ever. I didn’t know what to do, so I did nothing, slowly killing the relationship. My girlfriend, having no idea what I had done, also cheated on me. She cheated on me with a total of five guys. Having sex with three, kissing two, and trying to leave me for three of the five as far as I know. She and I both lied to each other. And we both came clean. She seems to be over it, at least partly. I haven’t begun to even comprehend how I feel. I need help. Like I said before I started, I don’t know why I put this here. Maybe I just needed to vent. Maybe in the slim hopes that someone, somewhere, will read this, and know what to do. I know I said that I don’t care if anyone reads this, because I don’t see why anyone should care about the problems of some high school kid. But on the off chance anyone does, and you think you can help me, then please. I could really use some help right now… If you want to reach me, my email is “[e-mail address removed]”