I don’t know me!

Well my problem is emotional! I don’t really know… 46 days ago I lost my father,36 days ago my boyfriend broke up with me after planning our wedding and everything. This isn’t the whole story! Well I really lost my father when I was 12, he had a brain stroke that lead him made him totally paralyzed that lasted for 12 years. He was the family caregiver, and due to his situation I had to start working at the age of 12, I only have one direct sister and an unstable mother. My mother tried to sell me so many times, busy with her own life and several men and money she officially ruined my childhood and adolescence. Moreover and for her liberty she sent dad away to another city and left him in an asylum. I couldn't bear life with her, between the hectic restaurant shifts and school I was really dying, but I managed to finish my school and move to the capital where dad is left. Years passed with lots of tears and blood,my relationship with dad grew fond …he was more like my son, my being reason, my everything and I was his sole care giver… till the beginning of this year when dad was diagnosed with a 4th stage tumor. Right after the tumor news I met my ex through work, he walked into my life with high confidence and dedication. But since he lived abroad our relationship was limited on the phone. Then in an attempt of strengthening our relationship, he decided to come over for few days! I wanted to be with him so bad, though my dad was suffering so much! And that’s what I did, I told my family that I’d be traveling for few days for work. His vacation with me ended so fast, we had a really good time, but I saw some dark sides in him… He left on Monday’s evening and I returned home then. Right on Tuesday morning my father passed away! And life as I knew ended! Chattered in grief, sorrow and remorse…blame is eating me as I wasn’t by my father’s side when he passed away, my ex back then didn’t accept my sadness! Though I didn't tell him that I was hating myself for not being next to dad… Then he started complaining about the long distance and the gaps! Then he decided to end it up! Then I burst and I told him that I hate myself for giving him my time and being (in fact I do). We didn’t talk since that day! he removed me from facebook, and asked his friends to do the same which isn't an issue but he’s trying to ruin my career! I am not being able to overcome my remorse and my disappointment, besides lots of more complicated issues that I socially suffer from… Please help me out as I don’t know myself anymore and I just can’t bear people around me!!!

Hey, you are a born fighter of situations! Don't worry you'll be just fine. You have been a responsible daughter all your life. What difference does it make if you weren't by his side when it was his last? You have been strong as stone beside him for so many years! I am sure he will be looking lovingly down at you from where he is. Proud that he had such a daughter who stood by him while his own wife discarded him at time of need. Like I said you have been a fighter of situations. Not everyone can manage a job, school and an unstable irresponsible mother all alone!! Why do you harbor the guilt of going away while Dad was suffering? Your father also understands that in certain situations his responsible daughter also needs a break. Moreover this was for an important decision of your future and good you took this trip. You got to know your ex's true colors! Think if you hadn't? He could have wrecked your life. If people around are unbearable, try to make friends whom you like with whom you can spend sometime.

I appreciate your understanding and pure support, it is a true relief to be able to speak out loud and sincerely... SUSIEDQ thank you very much, you know before dad's death he didnt allow me to sit by his side! he used to warn me about my attachment, saying you cannot be this greedy loving me... some how they know and as their souls seek departure they wish us away, in here they say that the soul can never leave in the presence of the loved ones! may your husband's soul rest in piece...and may you carry on with lots of serenity and joy :) MSDAISY well i like your strictness and i appreciate it! you are fully right...you just gave me a new golden rule as i cannot be bounded to my past! thank you very much SHIVANGI its like you are living with me, seeing things as clear and simple as they are :) thank you for the faith you saw in me! and for reminding me of what i am ignoring lately :) do you know Lebanon? cause I'm Lebanese, if you don't well briefly its a mixed up country based on corruption and sectarianism :D it is right in the south of Syria... well life her for a woman isn't easy at all! sometimes i feel like i'm an alien as i can't adapt or confirm most of the social customs and patterns! though its really hard to live it through, but I am making it, and one day i'll look back at things in a different perspective... regarding my boyfriend well, you guys are fully right! and i am lucky things ended before any serious issue... Arab men are sexually sick! some of them are simply beasts, and we as women are seen as orgasm channels! after this breakup i feel like i won't give any man a chance to get close enough to my skin, I am a human being not a lust pot :/ thanks again :)

I had a school friend from lebanon (Long back though). Yes I have been in an Arab country too so I am well aware of the conditions women face in such countries! And yes you are right, you need not bend down to their lustful needs. Don't worry when the right time comes a right man will come along who will respect you for who you are.