Is my long marriage over?

CLOVER - Apr 13 2014 at 20:13

Member since Apr 2014

Ok this is going to be a long post but will try to keep it short my marriage is in trouble and I need help!! I know this is going to be a bit one sided but I am going to try to put in both point of views of the relationship. First my husband and I have been married 24 yrs. this August and dated 3 years prior we have been together since I was 15 yrs old he is a year older than myself. After I graduated we married and he was already in the Navy. While in the Navy I went to school and stayed with my sister in law and took care of their small child and went to school until I eventually moved across country to live with my husband. He later had to go on 6 month tour on ship so I again came back home and finished school where I then stayed at mother in laws place on lake and took care of it for them. After my husband got back from his tour I then went back across country to start my life with him again. At the time I had sensed that he cheated on me and ask but was told that he didn’t. We eventually move back home together and later have our first child and my husband went to school and worked long hours and I took care of our child and worked as well so didn’t see each other as much as we wanted but we made it through it. There was a time I kinda suspected him cheating or flirting with someone from school but never said anything I just let it go. Later he told me I needed to go out with friends from work sometime and enjoy myself some. I went out with my friends probably about 4-5 times tops if even that many and once a guy that my friend was interested in and was a married man at that while out on dance floor with him he kissed me. I stop him then and there and told him im was just there to have fun that I was not into cheating on my husband. He apologized and never tried again. This guy I would dance with when my husband was with me as well by the way. I later told my husband about this but I will say it wasn’t right away I guess because I felt ashamed it happened but that was the last night I went out with my friends as well. Later after that we move across state where my husband gotten a job and everything was going well for a few years(going to church no drinking trying to live right until things happened at church and now my husband is against church all together a whole other story). Ok so we go through a difficult disaster (house fire) and anyways we start drinking occasionally and meet new friends and had our second child. Everything still going well for few more years. We had 2 couples that would come to our house every weekend to BBQ, swim, shoot the bull and drink and watch kids play. One night we all had a little too much to drink. My in laws was there as well and anyways I know what happened but one of our friends came up to my work a few days later and said that he thinks he may have came on to me that night and ask if he should say anything to my husband. Ok my husband can have a very bad temper but my husband didn’t seem like anything was wrong so I just told him evidently nothing was wrong to just let it go. Which in return he jokingly said but if you want to and laugh and I laughed back and let him know that was ok I was happy in my marriage. I really think he was joking but at the same time if I had of seemed interested im sure he would have jumped on it because he and his wife was always fussing. Ok several months even maybe year or so later they ended up getting divorce. His wife was always suspecting him of cheating on her and was always telling me he was cheating with so and so and anyways during their divorce she accused me of cheating with him which wasn’t happening. Now this girl was a pathological liar I along with everyone else caught her in lie after lie. Anyways this caused problems in my marriage for a little while but at the same time my husband knew how she was and that blew over. We quit hanging out with them due to the drama and started hanging out with another couple. Everything went well for a while and then one night we all got a little too tipsy and anyways next thing we knew we were starting the swing lifestyle with them. My husband and I had never talked about doing that or even considered it but the next day we were like rabbits in the bed so to speak. At first we were kinda nervous about talking about it but we did and discussed if this was something we wanted to continue to try. So we did it for a while with them until the drama started taking effect with them. They were having marriage issues as well and anyways we had agreed as couples we would never do without our spouses there. Well this guy ask me to meet him for lunch in town if I wanted but I told him I could not do that. Well we went out with them a couple days later and the couple get into and argument and we carry them home and my husband and I get to talking and I tell him about him asking me to lunch and that I declined. My husband then gets ticked at me for not telling him right away and that I must have been considering it he says. Later that same night the lady calls and ask my husband to come over that her husband has left and is worried and needs someone to talk to. He goes over there and tells her about him asking me to lunch and then she tries to flirt with my husband as pay back but I will say my husband calls and ask me to go over and later tells me he would have had sex with her if I had not of went. After that night that was the end of hanging out with them. After that we talked and decided to stay in the swing life but agreed if either wanted out all would have to say is wanted out and that would be the end and no hard feeling on either party. We were in it for about a year or so and had a few arguments during that time and I decided that I had enough that it was only hurting our marriage and said I wanted out. So it stopped but he has been resentful about it because he didn’t get to get FFM where I did get the MMF but I did not stop because I did not want to give that to him but because it was hurting our marriage and could see that. Anyways things got better eventually but he still hated me for that but let it go somewhat. Then we hung out with a friend and soon after we hang out with them they are getting a divorce. I don’t know why all our friends get divorces but anyways so we still hang out with the lady and she is at our house and we are drinking and her and my husband go for ride on four wheeler at night which is not uncommon for us and anyways I find out about 3-4 weeks later my husband made a a pass at her and she turned him down but then calls him over to her house a couple days later to fix a water leak and she then tries to make a pass at him where he turns around and calls me to bring him some tools otherwise he would have cheated then too. Then it isn’t long we move from there back across the state back home. My husband has gotten a new job he worked out of town 2 weeks then home 2 weeks. We were trying to sell our house my kids and I were trying to take care of that house which was about 100-150 miles away one way (cleaning, moving grass, packing, etc.) and move our stuff home to our parents houses and a borrowed house we were living in at the time for until we found a home of our own. My kids started their new school the next day after we had moved and both were in football at this time one was in 9th grade the other 4th grade. So it was a very busy schedule for us. Football and school during week and moving and mowing grass or whatever needed to be done on weekends if didn’t have ball games. The weeks my husband was home we did not go to the house we were moving from we tried to enjoy them with him. At the time I had just joined facebook because I kept hearing everyone talking about playing farmtown on there. So I join and start playing as well and was playing it way too much but my brother in law would see me on there and start chatting me asking what I was up to etc... He played farmtown as well and anyways would gift each other and harvest each other crops in the game ect... and while we did that we would chat about kids, ball, when husband gets home, was his wife working, how work going, how his racing going, etc… Just the basic chat and playing games. Later my husband went to working overseas and works 4 weeks on and 4 weeks home now. Due to the way my husband works I have not went to work so can see to the kids and so I can spend time with him when he is at home. I will admit my brother in law and I chatted quite often online and by text. I did it because other than my kids and parents he was the only person I talked with other than my husband so I found it nice to talk to someone. However it did start to become aggravating because I couldn’t go on facebook and just play my game without him chatting me and he knew I always had my phone on me waiting for my husband to text me. I would stay up late at night just so I could chat with my husband after he got off work(there is a 14 hour difference with where my husband works). But during our conversations we were never flirting. He did start a game with me at one time where threw balloons back and forth on facebook and sometimes my younger son would join in with me throwing them and say things like incoming or you better duck type thing. And I guess that could be considered flirting but that was not the intent at least on my part. Then one night was up late waiting on my husband to chat me and we were playing the game and something was said that could have been taken sexually but at the same time I don’t think that was the way it was intended. Anyways just to make sure I turned the conversation by asking something about his wife to remind him that he is married and so was I and that I wasn’t going there with him. After that I quit playing that game with him. Soon after another game was started where could pass drinks to friends and actually my sister in law started that one and anyways I played it for a while and whenever I received I in turn sent back to her, my husband, and brother in law because that was the people I received from. A couple of times my brother in law ask “are you trying to get me drunk” again could be taken the wrong way which in return I always answered no everybody sending them to me so thought would send back or no just thought would send one to him, my husband and his wife so all can enjoy. But never with our conversations did it ever go any more sexual than that. I later found out can block people from seeing when go on facebook so I block so only my husband could see that I was on. My husband during all of this at one point thought we had something going on when we didn’t and even before he said anything I was trying to get away from chatting with my brother in law because like I said all I wanted to do was play games not really chat. Anyways at one point before the messages that could have been taken wrong my brother in law said he had something coming up and needed a haircut and ask if I could do it. Of course him being family I told him I could and we set a time after kids were home. He later called said something was up with his dad and it would be later and ask if would be ok if not he understood because it would be a little late. I think around about 8-9pm. I told him that was ok I could still do it. He comes I cut his hair just as im about to finish up it is the kids bedtime so send them to bed finish up his hair then sit on opposite sides of the room talk for little bit then he leaves nothing happened. No flirting, no touching, no advancements no nothing. That is the only time he came to my house I never went to his unless they needed something or to drop kids off to go camping with them or whatever but when was at there house I always had at least one kid with me if not 2. There was a few times my husband ask me not to delete my text off phone right before he came home in which I would have to tell him sorry but I already did. It wasn’t because trying to hide anything but cause had an old phone that after so many text it would get full and had problems texting. Yes as I said my brother in law and I did chat a lot and a lot of those text was “lol” repeatedly but never flirting. So because text was delteted and a lot of chatting going on he think the 2 of us were having an affair when we wasn’t. Yes I know it looks very suspicious and there were several things that happened through out that seem suspicious especially to him but nothing ever went on between the 2 of us. We did talk some about his wife and he mentioned several times that she drank too much. Where I told him he needs to talk to her and he said he had etc… but other than that it was always a bunch of bull talk. Well he quit chatting me and later him and his wife was separated and later got back together for about a year I think. But just recently they did get a divorce not sure of the reason and I don’t get into it. But now to more recent. Everything was going good with my husband and I so I thought until recently. My husband for about the past year when he comes home ends up having schooling due to his job which is good im not complaining for him advancing at all. But usually he is gone 1-2 weeks when he is at home and sometimes I do get to go with him. In fact most of the times I get to go with him. Anyways my husband was coming home right before Valentines during his 4 weeks home my mother was just put in the hospital for surgery before he came home and not in good condition, my dad was in the ER 3 times within 3 weeks, we had a bday party scheduled for my youngest son, my husband had a class reunion meeting, and my husband had 2 weeks of schooling in which it is a 11-12 hour drive just to the school. Before he came home I was looking for something to do with my husband while he was at home but at the same time I did not know if it would be possible because of my mothers condition. We are talking about didn’t know if she would even make it through surgery but thankfully she is still healing at home but going well. Anyways after he got home things was looking up so that may possible be able to do something for Valentines Day so I get to searching on phone for maybe local bars with hotel nearby or something of that sort but we are in the Bible belt state so things of that sort is hard to find and didn’t want to go too far off just in case I got a call. During this time my husband had went to town and came back and I was looking on phone and was surprised when he walked in and anyways the reaction that he got was that of someone possibly cheating. That surprised oh and get off phone. I was surprised but was trying to figure out something to surprise my husband because I knew he would not expect it with the things that were going on. But anyways he walks out doesn’t say anything then later tells me we have reservations for dinner. So after that I figure well im too late and quit looking. We get to restaurant and he is aggravated because it going to be 10-15 min before can eat they don’t have the reservations. Knowing how he is I knew he would just get more and more ticked so I ask if he wants to go down road to place we been wanting to try. We get there service is slow food not that great and he gets more ticked. Wanting him to be in a good mood we leave and I ask him if he would like to go to a small bar he enjoys and have a few drinks thinking that will get him in a better mood. We get there place is dead have a few drinks and play couple games of pool and its not working so we go home. I finally ask him whats wrong and he tells me im chatting with someone earlier. I tell him what I was doing but he still does not believe me. After that next day we go see my mother he has reunion meeting and drops me off to see my mother. Couple hrs. later he comes in visits then we leave. Well the next day I have to go back to see my mother because my dad had a doctors appt. anyways I go and my husband ask if he can go with me I tell him sure. We get out to the car and then he runs back in for a blanket. I ask what is that for. Im told none of my business. So I think well he is carrying it for my mother because she was cold even though the room was 100 degrees in there. But he tells me he has some errands to run. He is gone for about 1-2 hours before he comes to visit with my mother. No blanket brought in or anything. Later I find that a sum of money is withdrawn from our bank account and ask about it im also told it is none of my business. At this point I tell my dad that I am going to school with my husband the nest weekbut did not tell them what was going on. But anyways I drive the 11-12 hr drive while he sits back off and on his phone. Im curious but don’t say anything then next day we are sitting back at hotel having few drinks talking I find out he has been talking to an old high school girl and flirting with her she needed money so he loaned her money. Not only that he had been flirting with another girl prior to that about 6 months earlier but she decided she wanted to work things out with her husband. My husband and I had a nice long talk about things and once again I told him I wasn’t or hadn’t cheated on him nor talking to anyone. He has all my account passwords. And anyways we came to im sorry if did wrong will try to make sure do right and treat each other right type agreement in the end. But during this time he has been back out again for 4 weeks during that time I thought he was possibly talking to her still but I thought im just being paranoid to let it go. Also the time before we face chatted and while chatting he had a pair of panties hanging above his mirror and ask him about it and he just laughed said he didn’t know that they must be there from guy that changes shifts with him. Which is hard for me to believe because he is the type if something is out of place he notices. Now since he got back home He got home Tuesday we went to town Wednesday and Thursday took off camping for a night to our self and kids came Friday and then came home Sunday. Monday he got a call for dental appt. I knew as soon as I hung up the phone with them that he would go to her house because it is in the town she lives in. I even mentioned it before he left and sure enough he did. Then a day or 2 later he got a text while in bed and yes I got ticked and flew off the handle and said sarcastic remarks I probably should not have and we have not really spoke in 3 days and now he is out of town again for the week and I tried talking writing him about it but it seems to be all my fault cause im cheating or did cheat so he thinks. He is blaming it on the incident with my brother in law that happened 3-4 years ago I haven’t talk to by now exbrother in law since then other than hey at family gatherings and most of time didn’t even do that and he and my sister in law just got a divorce here in the last few months. My husband thinks because he thinks that I cheated on him3-4 years ago that well he can now from what I gather. I told him that if that is what he wants to let me know now because I cant do the flirting and him running to her house first chance he gets. In return I get well that’s what you did and I didn’t nor am doing that. In return he has told me he doesn’t want this girl but he enjoys chatting and flirting with her I ask what she does that I don’t that maybe I can work on providing his needs but I get no response or haven’t yet anyways. I have thought about trying the open relationship thing again but I know it only caused problems before and have then feeling it will only cause more problems. I really love my husband or I wouldn’t still be with him today and would not be seeking relationship help so any suggestions would be greatly appreciated? I would love to save our marriage but it really is looking to be very doubtful that it will happen but still willing to give it a try.